Author Topic: October 4th-fireflyz-To Fulfill a Promise, CH1-VLS  (Read 1520 times)

fireflyz

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October 4th-fireflyz-To Fulfill a Promise, CH1-VLS
« on: October 04, 2010, 02:55:08 AM »
Summary:

Prologue:  In Media Res
  The prologue introduces us to Mathieu Bragadin, the protagonist.  As the title suggests, the reader is thrown into the midst of the conflict.

 

 CH1:  What Does a Man Do?
  Mathieu is finally returning home with the army.  His entire life has been spent serving in the armies of the Doge.  The Doge's daughter (Doga) has recently made peace and is calling the army home to be mustered out.  As his comrades celebrate, Mathieu finds himself questioning his future in this new era of peace.
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hubay

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Re: October 4th-fireflyz-To Fulfill a Promise, CH1-VLS
« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2010, 06:09:27 PM »
I think your intro that is, the beginning of the first chapter, not the prologue is channeling a little too much Jordan, in that it's very reminiscent of his "wind" beginnings. You might want to tone it down, change the presentation a little, or maybe scrap it altogether. For the most part you write well, though you might use 'that' a little too often. But I enjoyed your prose.

As for the setting, I like general feel you have going with the language. I'm not well versed in any of the romance languages, so there's a good chance i'm completely missing the mark here, but it seems like you have mostly spanish with the ocassional Italian going on; if you tightened it up just a little more to make it cohesive I think it would be good. I also enjoyed the general science/mysticism going on with the humours, it's a bit early to tell but it seems like you're talking about the ancient theory that thought we were governed by the fluids in our bodies. I would suggest you work on a different name besides 'Cold Ones.' It's sounds a bit generic and I'm sure I've read a dozen books that uses that phrase. Even if the actual concept of a cold one - you haven't really gotten into that yet is novel and unique, if the naming is bland it hurts the idea.

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Re: October 4th-fireflyz-To Fulfill a Promise, CH1-VLS
« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2010, 03:34:28 AM »
All in all, i think this was very well done.

I agree with Hubay, the "cold ones" need a less generic name, even though we don't really know what they are/do yet.

One small thing that kinda bothered me a bit, though, was your use of language. Or rather, the mix of it. Some parts were spoken like they were out of a modern day setting (e.g. "My thanks, Jeffe. May your lips never miss the taste of my ass.") while others felt like they had a more archaic/old world feel (e.g. "Just be ware lest your pupils accidentally prick you instead.") and the mix back and forth just felt kinda odd. Overall, it was pretty good, but the two mentioned lines are the two that, to me, struck the most opposing cords.

The first example, also, brings up something else i'd like to mention, though this may be a preference thing. The swear word. As a disclaimer, I have no problem with swearing in books. However, modern day, common swear words to me feel really out of place in a medieval fantasy setting. I think it's better if you use a less-common equivalent, or preferably make up your own that sounds like it fits the rest of the language pattern. Like i said, this could just be personal preference, but to me, it feels really out of place, so take that as you will.
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Asmodemon

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Re: October 4th-fireflyz-To Fulfill a Promise, CH1-VLS
« Reply #3 on: October 18, 2010, 08:10:45 PM »
I agree with Hubay and Eerongal, you've got a good start going here. I don't really mind the name 'cold ones' it gives off a reptilian vibe to me, though they probably aren't that.

There are some language issues, where on the one hand you're very modern but in other places you go archaic. The Spanish/Italian words are a nice touch.

What I didn't like was the flashback in the first chapter, I'm not a big fan of them and in particular ones that aren't necessary. It's a bit early in the story for a flashback and it only goes back to the previous night. You could have easily started the chapter on the previous night and run things linearly. I think that makes things progress far more naturally than this flashback does.