Author Topic: September 20 – Hubay – Fathers of Gods, Chapter 4  (Read 1774 times)

hubay

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September 20 – Hubay – Fathers of Gods, Chapter 4
« on: September 20, 2010, 09:07:55 PM »
Back to Cumo; sorry if you want to hear more from dyp. I haven't had as much time to write, what with class and all, so I don't think this chapter sounds as polished as the last two. We finally get to see some action, though, which is sort of a new thing for me. Let me know how it sounds:

Fathers of Gods Chapter 4 (Cumo/Listener) 3100 words (V, S, L - a bit more of L than before)

Recap – In order to discover his god-power, or shri, Cumo was forced sleep with his best friend's lover, Aela. Aela manifested as a flamedaughter, and can control fire, while Cumo can instantly heal wounds. Other Polaesi include Metu Titan, a man with divine strength and resilience, Simeon Listener, a machievellian mindreader, and Imlur Commander, the king of Polaesi whose orders are obeyed without thought.

Summary – Cumo gets fitted for some clothes, jumps off a couple cliffs, and Daltri spies are spotted outside Shipolitae.

Asmodemon

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Re: September 20 – Hubay – Fathers of Gods, Chapter 4
« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2010, 05:41:46 AM »
On the whole this was a pretty entertaining chapter, with some good dialogue in the beginning between Ristem and Cumo. There are parts, mostly in the latter end of the chapter, where the writing turns a little rough – some grammar and spelling issues. But you already said you didn't have much time with this chapter, so you'll already know this.

The new character Ristem seems like a character with a good head on his shoulders; Cumo's chosen name does reek of hubris and it's good that he's called on it. Ristem's dry wit and clever suggestions are things I can appreciate in the character.
 
That said, Ristem is another new character. So far you've been introducing new characters left and right, which makes it hard to determine which are actually important. Given the foundations for conflict between Cumo, Aela and Crato, and the fact that chapters one and two both heavily implied said conflict, I'm a bit surprised we're not seeing more of them right now. I'm sure Crato could call out Cumo on his name just as well and would because he's not happy with his friend right now.

To deal with the huge cast so quickly you're making liberal use of Listener's telepathy and, I've said this before, it doesn't work for me. It reads like you're taking the easy way out. The way you're writing Listener's 'spoken' thoughts is a bit jarring; I don't  really like them. [I really don't]. You're telling us integral truths about your characters again without showing it. So Pyra doesn't like to kill – I'd rather find this out in a battle scene where her hesitance gets people in trouble rather than just having it out there. If she does flinch I won't be surprised, nor will I feel any real tension, because I'll be expecting it to happen.

The last thing I want to address is the Daltri. Their presence makes no sense other than as a plot device to get Cumo thrown over the walls and get him in conflict with Imlur. This siege is not new, so the enemy already knows the walls are solid. They also know the Polaesi are lax in their defenses but can mount a strong one nevertheless because they're gods. The Daltri can't learn anything more by just looking at the walls and if you're going to spy on the enemy city you're not going to do it with a group of soldiers on horseback. They'll stick out like a sore thumb.

Better to have individual scouts approach with camouflage, taking cover where possible, and simply staying low. The enemy commander can't possibly be this stupid.

Eerongal

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Re: September 20 – Hubay – Fathers of Gods, Chapter 4
« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2010, 02:46:48 PM »
ok, so i havent read the previous chapters, because i just (finally) got myself put on the reading list last week or so, however, given what i've read so far, i'm going to give my impressions

First off, i did notice some grammatical/spelling errors, and I went ahead and jotted 'em down as I read em, just so you don't have to hunt for em.

They are as follows:

What else what I call myself?"

"Cumo began to walk siege wall,"

"Until Pyra made it up thew wall"

"making Pyra and Metu guilty for the live they"

"or the whole in your chest."


Now, onto critiquing.

Obviously, i'm not terribly familiar with how this apparent magic system works, but it appears that your characters attain godhood through some means. I have to agree with Asmodemon on the spies. If the siege has been going on for a while, and they have no way inside the walls anyway, i'm not understanding the reason for sending 5 armed and armored horsemen to go stand outside the wall. All that's going to do is cost you 5 men, and you'll learn nothing.

All in all, i think the dialog came across very well.

The part where Cumo leaps three stories just for the heck of it comes across as kinda weak to me. Mostly because nobody really does anything, it seems like. They just kinda look at him and ignore it. I mean, heck, no one even says anything to him, including the angered leopard attie (i'm assuming she can talk, since you said she's the goddess of the wild). I would assume that at least she would try to chew him out or something, even if he has to cut her off with a "sorry, im in a hurry" sort of bit. I can understand the servants not saying anything (what mortal questions a god?) but a goddess who (i'm assuming) has been around the block a bit, who is kinda vain, who gets splattered with blood from a new, young, reckless god? I would expect her to at least try to hold him up and chew him out or something.
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RavenstarRHJF

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Re: September 20 – Hubay – Fathers of Gods, Chapter 4
« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2010, 02:51:28 AM »
Nice one!  Things are coming together, although I've got to agree that the Daltri spies seem more like an excuse to show Cumo in an action scene (which was very well written, I thought) than an actual plot point.  Firstly, because this siege is of apparently long standing- the Daltri would've learned everything they could from simple scouting in the first few weeks of the siege.  Secondly, because if it's been going on that long, the Polaesi must be used to being stared at by the besiegers, so why the big fuss?  It's not like they can climb the wall, or even see anything of import from that far away.  On the other hand, I guess if the gods might have cause to wonder why they are sending out scouts this late into the siege- what are they looking for?  In which case, maybe you should have them vocalize that concern... ;)

That said, the rest of it, the interactions between the characters and all, was well done.  They seem like real people leading real, and consequently complicated, lives.  Sure there are a few places that could use a bit more polish, but that's probably always going to be the case.
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hubay

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Re: September 20 – Hubay – Fathers of Gods, Chapter 4
« Reply #4 on: October 04, 2010, 07:07:41 PM »
Alright, well there seem to be a couple of things going on here that I'll need to fix for the next draft. For clarification – the Daltri randomly send out suicide raids in the hope of intercepting a family bringing a baby Polaesi. So their actions wouldn't have seemed too bizarre. But I didn't say that, and I will in my next draft. The commander is there for another reason, though, and he isn't being an idiot, but I understand why it seems so. Again, a fix for next draft.

That said, a couple of you made it sound like you thought there was an actual siege going on. I refer to the wall outside Shipolitae as a 'siege wall' because it's massive and I thought that sounded better than just a city wall. it's meant for a siege, but there isn't one going on right now. If you guys think the wording is a little confusing then I should probably change it.