Author Topic: Sept 14 - The Sword of Worlds - CH 27 - Kail  (Read 1638 times)

ErikHolmes

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Sept 14 - The Sword of Worlds - CH 27 - Kail
« on: September 14, 2010, 07:57:58 PM »
Sorry for being late. I didn't think I'd have it done today but I woke up early this morning and finished it.

To recap:

Kail and Kajsa traveled to the home of the Trolls under the Mountain to get Kajsa help after she was poisoned with iron. While there Kail discovered pieces of her past, that she was a kinslayer, called a thief and an Oathbreaker, something punishable by death among the trolls. She swore never to return until she had take someone "greater than all the trolls in the mountain" as her mate.

During a short trial Kail defeated the troll Kajsa had been promised to in battle and drew forth a sword no troll could pull free from the stone. Possibly proving himself greater then the assembled trolls.

And yes, I know I'm stealing a line from Mulan... but it just fits. :)

Thanks for reading!
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RavenstarRHJF

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Re: Sept 14 - The Sword of Worlds - CH 27 - Kail
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2010, 10:12:02 PM »
I will post on this once I've caught up. ;)
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ErikHolmes

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Re: Sept 14 - The Sword of Worlds - CH 27 - Kail
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2010, 08:16:39 PM »
Thanks. I have a lot of catching up to do myself.
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Asmodemon

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Re: Sept 14 - The Sword of Worlds - CH 27 - Kail
« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2010, 02:34:24 PM »
Another nicely written chapter. You're doing some great dialogues between Kail and Kajsa and I like the descriptions of where they are. The last few Kail chapters occasionally felt like they happened in a void. There are some things that didn't work quite as well, such as:

Quote
They were all women who each held a silver bow trained on us as they approached and wore armor that was also silver and extremely lightweight looking.

It reads a little off, like it's a run-on sentence even though the sentence itself is pretty short. But on the whole those are some minor issues.

There is something I'm getting concerned about though. Maybe this is due to the time between chapters, but I did not really get excited about this chapter. Kail and Kajsa ride off to fight a god and I just shrug. They get in some trouble at the chapter's end, but again, I'm not feeling it.

I think it's because I'm not worried anymore for Kail and I'm not worried for Ellie at all. This feeling of disconnection has been growing for some time and in my mind it's because of what the characters can do.

Let's tackle Kail first. He's super powerful, keeper of the Sword of Worlds, Godslayer, can take on Sigil Knights and trolls, runs like the wind, has Kajsa (who is also ridiculously powerful), can see magic, and now he's also super rich and can buy anything he wants. Hell, he buys two magical horses with one gem from one of his thirty chests goodbye economy and hello army of the Godslayer.

And then there's Ellie, who from the start has a dagger that rots with a touch, rings to shoot fire, a ring to increase physical strength so she can toss around Sigil Knights, the Sword of Worlds, Bloodbath, aid of Malik the Black Dragon, and she's sort-of friends with Morrigan (that's THREE super powerful characters on her side, or close to her side for the time being). If push comes to shove she can always just shove back and sent things flying.

There is very little reason for me to feel concerned for any of them things have been rather easy from the start; none of their powers or skills are actually earned.

Even when Kajsa got hurt a few chapters ago the tension was only there for a moment before Kail revealed a new power (running) and just ran her back home in time.

Granted the enemies are also super powerful, but your main characters trump all or most of them and they didn't even need to do anything for it. Even with more than a dozen Valkyries against them I still think that, based on what I've seen Kail and Kajsa do, that they can beat them easily. So this new capture doesn't make much sense to me either except to cement the connection between Kail's storyline and Ellie's through the army of Modi and Magni.

There isn't much you can do at this point except take some of the powers away, but if you do a rewrite I think you should consider downgrading some of the powers or giving them over time when Kail and Ellie actually do something to earn them.