Author Topic: September 6 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Ten  (Read 1572 times)


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September 6 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Ten
« on: September 06, 2010, 08:31:15 PM »
In chapter ten we return to Rosalin's point of view, caught between monsters and soldiers, only just shaken from her days long stupor.


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Re: September 6 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Ten
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2010, 03:18:50 AM »
This chapter was... confusing.  This is the first time we've seen Rosalin sober in days, and yet her viewpoint is even more fractured than when she was drunk.  Part of it is spots like this:
The knights on the other hand looked like they had found trouble. The footmen accompanying them looked even worse; they had been on the walls, Rosalin realized, but not anymore. Even though there had not been a retreat signal they were here already.

“Stop that,” she whispered to Rosen. The things that bubbled up from where she had pushed him weren’t welcome. While the speed at which Overlook fell might be of interest to him, Rosalin refused to care, save for how she was going to live now that her place lay in shambles.

You indicate after the fact that she's getting information from Rosen, which makes it difficult to discern what she's deducing for herself, and what she's getting from him.  It fractures my idea of who Rosalin is and how good she is at figuring things out for herself.  Granted, that might be what you're going for- the split personality thing- but if so, please make it more obvious what's coming from who.

Also you've got related lines of dialogue that are interrupted by blocks of description and explanation.  This makes for conversation that feels choppy and is hard to follow.  I'd suggest having the characters converse uninterrupted, and then explain whatever needs to be explained.

When they're actually fighting the shifter, and Black Rose makes her appearance, it does flow better.  But the last section where she's talking to Amaryllis, again, it's very confusing.  I gather her memory decides to show her what she did to that group of soldiers on the plain, but it took several read-throughs to pick it up.

However, you've accomplished your overall-goal: push the story forward.  They are now a group, however uneasily allied.  I can't wait to see where they go from here.  And whether Black Rose decides to pursue.
A crown does not a King make, nor the lack of one a commoner.