Aug 9 - Daddy Warpig - When Gods War, Part 2

[Daddy Warpig]

Part 2. Thanks in advance.

Captain Karrus had been Marshall of the armies of Aiesha, commanding them and their Vedran allies in a war against the brutal Kithians. After five years, they liberated the last captured Vedran city. On the eve of victory, while others celebrated, Karrus was deposed and arrested, taken in chains. As he was escorted through the city, the Vedrans sacked and burned it, killing and raping the surviving Kithians.

Stars are the souls of Gods, and when a God dies, his star falls. Overhead, stars began to fall. At the same time, the city was destroyed by quakes and falling fireballs. Many people, perhaps everyone in the city, died. Karrus barely escaped.

He collapsed outside the city and was rescued by a stunningly beautiful Kithian woman, one of the enemy. She fed him and tended his wounds. Later that night, Karrus was woken by her cries, as she suffered a nightmare. He held her while she cried, murmuring words of comfort. The two kissed, which led to their having sex by her fire.

It's the next morning, the second day after the city's destruction, and Karrus has woken.

[hubay]

Ha, told you I'd reply quickly. First things first. You don't have a lot of dialogue for the first half of the chapter/part. I know a lot what's going on doesn't need words, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't put a little talking in here and there for punctuation. You do a pretty good job of describing Karrus's (Karrus' ? I never now how to do 's' ending possesives) actions and fight scenes, but every once and a while you throw in a flowery description in the middle of the action and it throws off the rhythm. I did like that despite Karrus's training as a soldier, his lack of arms makes him a considerably less competent fighter. I also enjoyed the howlers' feeding habits.

On that note, you might want to work a little on your headers. I do like that you divide all your sections up into neat little chunks, but the descriptors could be improved upon. "Things that howl" comes off as awkward, and as a copy-writer/journalist I cringe a little when I see a question mark in a headline. That said, the section heads shouldn't be a priority until way later in the game. Even if a couple sound off now and then, your time's better served on the prose. The fact that you're even bothering says a lot – I'm not even going to try giving my chapters headlines until the book's done.

Going into the first few pages of a story, it's hard to judge on the age level/tone the writer is going for, but I thought I had you pegged – until Karrus dropped a few F bombs. Now, I have no problem with that, and you can probably expect an ample amount of language to pop up in my writing soon, but it seemed to jar with the tone you set in the first few chapters. If stars are falling and armies are dying, I expect there to be swearing long before someone mentions travel plans. And I know you fit in a bit of swearing before that, but I guess I just make a distinction between saying "bugger off" and f***.

We also see our first POV from Akara, and I think it wouldn't hurt to hear it sooner, maybe as they make their way into the city. What are her thoughts on last night? What are her motives, besides following Karrus around? What does he even mean to her? You haven't put in a full description of Karrus yet, unless I missed something, so it would be perfect if we could see how he looks through her eyes. Some of that depends on how many more POV's you plan on using. If it's just the two of them, she should get her own spot sooner. If there will be a lot of viewpoints you can probably get away with putting her off.

You turned  mundane warfare and intrigue intro something more sinister pretty quickly, so I'm excited to see where this goes.

[LongTimeUnderdog]

I didn't read the first part, so I may be off on a few things.  But to me this story seems like it wants to be Conan.  Now I love Conan stories.  I think they're fantastic.  Robert Howard was awesome.  But there is a vast difference between conan and this piece.

The reason I assume it wants to be Conan is two fold.  The first is the short "chapters," and the fact that this story is marked as "part 2" rather then "chapter 2."  If you were going for a full novel, the quick breaks would seem pointless.  as they are, they detract terribly from what's going on.  Each break marks a new climatic ark, and because they're so short, that climatic arc never really gets very big, or goes anywhere, or however you want to say it.  In short, the fewer you have, the better you'll be.  Conan, while essentially long short stories (is that even a real way of saying it?) used breaks like you have here, but they were spaced greatly.

The second reason I assume it wants to be Conan is the feel of the piece.  The plot doesn't seem very large, with a singular goal and a very powerful principle character.  He's a bit more straight forward then Conan, but that's not bad.  Conan was a rogue and a barbarian.  This is a military Captain.  I would expect a difference.  Because the small plot (and by small I mean simple, not Wheel of Time Complex), I would expect more character and setting.  Since they're going from tent to city, I was expecting more immersion in that change.  But we didn't get it.

In Conan, we are immediately given a near perfect vision of how the setting appears (most notably in "The Servants of Bit'yachime or however you spell it).  Much of Conan is very visual.  We have no questions as to what the place looks like, and how Conan interacts with it.  In this story I often find myself curious as to the lay of things, learning they are there or what they are only when or after things occur.

The fighting is . . . okay.  It's very tough guy stuff and that's a great way to give us character.  yay.  However, hitting someone's face with the back of your head, hurts you more then them.  The back of your head is the weakest part of the head.  Hitting someone with the back of your skull will most likely drop you, even if you hit them in the nose.  That part of the skull, after all, is quite strong even if the nose is flimsy.

And since their in a city, I'm surprised our hero hasn't grabbed . . . I don't know . . .a table leg, or a chair leg, or a sharpened rock, to hit things with.  I'm sure most of the tech level of the piece was described in the first part so I'm not sure as to what would actually be available.  Then again, giving us more setting would help with that.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Overall it's a good middle piece, we've got some movement, some more character development...

I agree with Hubay about the dialogue though.  It doesn't take much, it's just a lot more interesting to "hear" people discussing their options rather than being told there was a discussion.

I also agree wiht LTU.  I'd like to see Akara's POV sooner... leaving the brunt of it for part three is awkward because you're going back to before the cataclysm- something we never got to see through Karrus' eyes, and then speeding things up all the way to the present.