Finally, I'm done.
Keep in mind, I read the second version you sent me. From the little I read of the first, you did a good job of clarifying when it was Janna and when it was Aryl. This is a good thing, because I found after the first shift in viewpoint, I didn't notice the tense any more. It was just Aryl and Janna, not present and past. I liked your choices for both of them. Congrats for pulling of present tense.
It did move a little slow for my taste, but the pacing suited the story. I would have liked a little more dialogue and character interaction, but I don't know where I would have put it. It was very clean with no unnessessary details, and I liked the comparison drawn between Aryl and Janna when Janna finds her way up to the cliffs, and the way they think of the stars.
Questions: What was Aryl's relationship to Karson (sp?) I know he is Janna's father (although that wasn't completely clear at first, but easily figured out, so no changes are needed). Janna's feelings toward Aryl at the beginning, led me to believe Aryl was some sort of romantic interest of her father, but the interaction between the two was totally platonic. I could be grasping at straws here (it is 2 am), but that was just my initial thoughts.
I also wondered about the lights thing. To have a city full of lights without magic or electricity would be extremely impractical. The imagery is nice, but if they are lanterns, it seems unrealistic. Your world doesn't seem to be inclined to any particular period, so I'm sure any choice you make will work.
Great read. glad I finally got around to it!
