May 24 - LongTimeUnderdog - Six Stones chapter 2

[LongTimeUnderdog]

Due to critical reception and suggestions I've been rewriting the first chapter of the story and making some jargon changes.  What happened in the chapter remains relatively the same as far as events go, minus pick pocketing and the Elidor section.

Vals - The disembodied spirits of people.
paltis - Not a citizen of Hell, but not dead yet.
Pantheon -  The Four Gods worshiped by the Church.

Chapter 1 - Tasia, Dao, Yael, and Ranok are members of the same gang looking to make a huge score from a hiest.  They're plan is to steal . . . something . . . from the Cult of Lunus.  During the preparation stage, Tasia believes she's seen a Naalim in the city and panics, believing he's stalking her.  Dao comforts her and they get ready for that night's plans.

Chapter 2 - In which we learn more about Naalim, why they're so scary, and a little bit more of life in Hell.

[Recovering_Cynic]

Just to clarify: the three dead guys aren't the the three dead guards who were killed in the first chapter?  Your preface seems to indicate that, but I wasn't sure.

Okay, I'm going to finish the critque assuming the above, but I'm not sure. 

First, the story is definitely interesting.  I like the setting especially and the various creatures and races you've invented.  It certainly made for an interesting read.

My number one problem with the chapter is the infodumpiness.  A lot of the conversation between the god and the judge seemed to be there just to explain your world.  They said things that the other already knew and basically acted out of character.  Your world is really complex and difficult to grasp initially, and you will have to coax your reader along, but there was just way to much telling instead of showing, even when it was the characters doing the telling.  There were even a few instances where you tell us something, then turn around and show us it.  For example, you tell us:

His neck, though translucent from the lose of his soul, carried the marks of Naalim claws.

then tell us the same thing in dialogue:

Awrtek looked down the body, noticing a limp bend in the ankles and feet.  “He's translucent, so it looks like the Naalim drained him of blood before eating him.  Otherwise he would be purple.  Most likely because he did not want to fight with him.  From the bend in the ankles he was suspended in the air while being consumed.” When a Naalim ate someone's soul, their bodies froze in place.  Bending the limbs or any part of the body now was impossible.  He might as well be a paper weight or a stone for all the body was worth now.

It seems like the God would know everything that was just told to him already.  This is just one example of many, and probably not the best.

Let me stress, I really like the chapter, the ideas, and the setting, but this particular chapter felt like you were in a rush to show off your world.  You wanted to explain everything all at once.  While you don't want to leave your reader bewildered with your world, you don't want to try and explain your entire mythos in one chapter either.  If your writing is good enough, your reader can deal with a little being lost.  They'll keep reading to learn more about the world you've created.

Anyway, carry on.  Well done.

[ryos]

I will repeat RC's advice: show don't tell. For explaining the vals, rather than having them described in conversation, why not just describe one that your characters see? As it is, I'm still confused about what a Val actually is. I get that it involves encasing someone in amber, but how you get from bloodless husk to motive, imprisoned soul is still confusing.

The structure of the world is also still confusing. This is Hell...but it's not the afterlife? There's another hell which is? How is it that being drained of blood does not kill a person dead, but stabbing them in the heart does? That just makes absolutely no sense. I wish the answer to this were hinted at. There's plenty of other exposition in this chapter that can wait until later, but I feel like this is necessary to grasp what we see in the three bodies.

Those three bodies are the other thing that's not clear. Perhaps you are trying not to be too grotesque, but the way you describe the bodies is just unclear. Specifically, the one that is translucent; you imply that his soul was removed. But, wouldn't that send him to the afterlife? Or, at least, make him a val? This could just be a mistake, but it seems to me that his soul has to still be whole inside his body.

Awrtek doesn't seem very divine. He doesn't ever actually do anything, and the way he talks leaves the impression that he resents the role he must play as god of mercy. This could be a character conflict that ought to be exploited.

The dialog was better in this one. The prose is still rough as a file. And...I can't think of much else to say. Here's to hoping that chapter 3 will not be confusing in any way.

[Drew P]

Uhh...I'm lost. I understood the last chapter much better.

I think something you're running into, at least on my part, is that your world is so foreign it creates instant confusion. Where most stories take place in a world we can relate to in most phases, yours is completely different. Very little is common, so we have to learn everything all over again. This is not necessarily bad. It shows your creativity. However, I am still trying to make sense of what this place is, while trying to grasp your story. This chapter was overwhelming me with all of the explanations of what the "HELL" this place is.

The first chapter was not nearly as dense with background so it was easier to follow. I think you might want to take 4 or 5 chapters to get the groundwork for your world laid out. Work on a little character developement and world building in each and then I can care about your story.

I'll also agree with Ryos that the prose is rough, but I'm assuming these are all 1st drafts, just getting your thoughts down in a somewhat organized manner, so it's excusable.

I actually am intrigued with your concepts and want to enjoy this story, but my confusion is getting in the way of me doing so.

[Asmodemon]

I’m going to agree with what’s been said already. The strongest point of this story is the world you’re trying to build, but the way you’re showing it right now is also its greatest weakness: the info dump disguised as a conversation for instance, as well as some of the redundancy in the telling (see my comments on the prologue for instance).

These things have already been said, so instead I want to focus on something else. While I find the world very interesting I’m not really hooked on the characters yet. Each instalment so far has had a different POV character and not much time to start to feel for them. Dariel is dead, Tasia read as a generic rogue so far, and now we’ve got Awrtek. Like TNoG you’re starting off with a lot of character – maybe too much, but I’ll suspend judgment on that for now. Populating a book or story with too many characters is something I do too, so I know it’s something to look out for.

Concerning Awrtek, I liked the dialogue between him and Tyrus when they weren’t info dumping at each other. One of them is a god and the other seems, in terms of power, pretty close, so a lot of what they say should be left unsaid. I also like how he has trouble with his role as God of Mercy, it’s a good character conflict, especially with his vows of pacifism – that can be tough thing when in Hell.

Chapter 2 - In which we learn more about Naalim, why they're so scary, and a little bit more of life in Hell.

The great thing to fear about a Naalim is that they can apparently destroy one’s soul completely. All three victims are torn up pretty bad, but you imply that all three can be saved. Therefore, none of their souls were destroyed, even though you say one of them was.

So, why didn’t he destroy their souls? It can’t be about keeping a low profile, because the manner in which he attacked broadcasted to everyone who saw the bodies that a Naalim was responsible. After they are fixed they can testify to his appearance which may lead to his capture. This seems like a pretty big mistake for someone reviled and hunted simply for existing.

Or maybe I just don’t understand the Naalim – or this particular one – well enough yet.

My advice would be to focus a bit more on the characters for now, and slip in more of the world slowly while we’re getting to know them. Your world building is strong, which you’ve already shown in TNoG, but your characters can use a bit more work. Especially at the beginning you want to hook the reader – if you can combine the strength of the world building with the characters you can have that covered.

[RavenstarRHJF]

I agree with ryos and RC that you do have a lot of redundancy in this chapter.  I get the feeling that the reason your characters are being so precise with their dialogue, at least as concerns the bodies, is because they're making some sort of attempt at being... professional?  Thorough?  The kind of thing you see in crime shows- where they clinically discuss what happened, even if the characters can see for themselves exactly what happened.  The thing is, you're also telling us what they're going to be telling each other, before they tell each other.  Why not just let them proceed with their investigation and we'll learn as we go?

You can do a lot more with Awrtek's character, and I'm sure you will as the story progresses.  At least his vocation is clear-cut.  One thing, though- the first time you refer to him as the God of Mercy, it threw me out of the story as I tried to figure out if the POV changed, or if Awrtek *was* the God of Mercy. 

Tyrus is confusing, and you do nothing to make him less so.  You describe his appearance as if it means anything to the reader.  He left his sword behind- well, ok, but we already know that blades aren't allowed in the city limits from chapter 1, so why would that be such a big deal? 

The Glabn- is that the species name? is visually confusing.  I'm not quite sure what you're going for here.  It certainly sounds intimidating, so Tyrus at least gets points for standing up to it.  Also, these Syndicates- are they synonymous with the Cult of Lunus?  You imply that they are, but never come out and say so.  If they are, I would assume that they are already as "united" as they're going to get, all being a part of one cult.

You do need to take the time to go through and really organize your scenes- right now they're really chaotic and it's hard to get a good picture of anything.  And you keep misusing homonyms.  In particular "Veiled Boarders".  Is that a person who pays rent in a building and goes veiled?  From context, probably not.  Is it a sort of veiled pirate who boards ships?  Again, probably not.  I gather you are talking about borders between countries, or dimensions, or maybe even states of existence, but please be more clear.

But obviously you grabbed my attention enough to make me complain about all this stuff, so good job!  Keep at it and worry about proof-reading when you've got the story down!