Author Topic: March 1 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Guli 4  (Read 1335 times)

LongTimeUnderdog

  • Level 9
  • *
  • Posts: 304
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
March 1 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Guli 4
« on: March 01, 2010, 05:17:55 AM »
In which Guli's time as a prisoner proves informative . . . and old characters come back.

Shivertongue

  • Level 9
  • *
  • Posts: 329
  • Fell Points: 0
  • Enjoy your right to be intentionally ridiculous!
    • View Profile
Re: March 1 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Guli 4
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2010, 09:30:38 AM »
Another Guli, so soon? Is it wrong that I want to see more Anaiah next week? (Not really complaining, just curious as to what she's been up to.)

Thoughts while reading:

You know, it strikes me how little I see "mommy" and "daddy" used in a fantasy setting.

Quote
ďI would . . . .Ē he paused.  ďBake her a cake.  Then she'll be my friend and won't try to hurt my other friends.  We could share the name.Ē

A perfect solution. Everyone loves cake!

Ahh! Superfluous apostrophes! "Talven Del'Nosa'Gosa"?

I like the mention of telling him stories to help him sleep in the sunlight. It helps to solidify that despite night not falling until all three suns have set, people do still sleep in regular intervals.

Finished

Yes! More plot progression! This was a very strong chapter, I thought, providing not only further advancement in the overall story but finally an explanation, of sorts, for Guli's stupidity. You may notice my 'Thoughts while reading' kind of stopped halfway through the chapter; this was entirely because I became engrossed in what I was reading and forgot I was making notes at the same time.

Talven's appearance came as a bit of a surprise, as did the way he referenced the events of the first Jin chapter. This, of course, raises questions that demand answers, a sure way to keep me reading. As mentioned in one of the previous Jin threads (I think, can't remember off-hand) hooks, hooks, HOOKS! And this chapter had plenty.

(While on the subject of Talven, I have t ask about the apostrophes. Do they mean anything? Like "Talven Del'Nosa'Gosa" meaning 'Talven Del son of Nosa son of Gosa'? I ask because a common fantasy cliche/complaint is the use of seemingly superfluous apostrophes - of which I am occasionally guilty. It's fine with a characters here or there, but having too many, and two in one name alone, it mean they would have to mean something.)

I thought you did very well at scaling back the major shifts in Guli's personality. I don't know if this is because he's been threatened or if it's a conscious decision on your part, but either way it make shim much more likable. I found him consistent throughout the chapter. His intelligent thoughts seemed toned down, and flowed well into the more childish aspects of his personality. The 'I would bake her a cake' line had me burst out laughing, too. Although it did throw me out of the story a bit. I didn't know aborigine tribes had cake...

Overall, I would have to say well done. I felt a strong connection to the overall story with this chapter. You kept me interested throughout the chapter, and seeded plenty of hooks to keep me going and make me want more. The latter is something previous chapters have been lacking a bit in, so when you begin revising and rewriting, it might be something to keep in mind.

Looking forward to the next one! *crosses his fingers and hopes for Anaiah*
This propaganda has been brought to you by High Priest and Occasional Pope Archbishop Shivertongue Von Slamdance VI, of the Vibrating Purple cabal of POEE (Paratheoanametamystikhood Of Eris Esoteric). All rights ignored. Salvation not available in Idaho. Hail Eris. All Hail Discordia. Fnord?

Asmodemon

  • Level 6
  • *
  • Posts: 175
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
Re: March 1 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Guli 4
« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2010, 10:29:40 PM »
This was a good chapter, the best one so far I think. I donít really have much to say about it.

The chapter addresses the problem with Guliís behaviour and he didnít annoy me once. And better yet it moves the story forward and sparks interest with several good hooks, such as Talvenís final remark of the chapter. These are the kind of things Iíve been wanting to see sooner, because if youíre going to aternate the Jin, Anaiah, Zulbane (we havenít read about him for a while), and Guli chapters this might be, worst case, chapter sixteen Ė and thatís late for these hooks.

How are you going to order the chapters? Come on, throw me a bone ;)

The only real problem I had with the chapter is the sentence flow and structure; youíve got a plenty of sentences missing key words or sentences with the wrong words in them, but thatís for later to solve.

LongTimeUnderdog

  • Level 9
  • *
  • Posts: 304
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
Re: March 1 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Guli 4
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2010, 05:40:41 PM »
Quote
While on the subject of Talven, I have t ask about the apostrophes. Do they mean anything? Like "Talven Del'Nosa'Gosa" meaning 'Talven Del son of Nosa son of Gosa'? I ask because a common fantasy cliche/complaint is the use of seemingly superfluous apostrophes - of which I am occasionally guilty. It's fine with a characters here or there, but having too many, and two in one name alone, it mean they would have to mean something.)

It's actually my first attempt and creating the Naming stuff.† Since people can move names around, I'm trying to develop a way of writing someone with several names so they all appear and are understandable.† For example, both Jin'Cathul and Talven have the "last name" of Del'Nosa'Gosa.† But Talven's wife is Pai'asei Del'Nosa.† Pai'asei is a title (like Masei and Lady and Mistress).† Talven's two names are really TALVEN and GOSA.† Since he's married to a Del'Nosa, he's Talven Del'Nosa.† Because he has another name, he's Talven Del'Nosa'Gosa.† Jin is Jin'Cathul Del'Nosa'Gosa.† I find this confusing and not at all understandable (first attempt after all).† You'll have to tell me what you think of this other method, and that is to use hyphens.

Talven would become Talven--Gosa Del'Nosa, while Jin would still be Del'Nosa'Gosa, being his son.

Quote
How are you going to order the chapters? Come on, throw me a bone.

I'm ordering them chronologically right now (in the manuscript not the submissions).† Guli and Zulbane are the oldest, while Anaiah is still older then Jin.† When Jin is 16, Anaiah will be 18 and Guli and Zulbane will be 22.† Those numbers are just ones I'm pulling out of the air as examples.

The story opens with Anaiah and follows with Guli and Zulbane and then we meet Jin.† The chapters then progress chronologically according to time passed and when the events occur.† Guli 2-5 for example take place after Jin 2, but right now, before Jin 3.† Anaiah and Zulbane are interspersed in there by alternating chapters.† I thought about just keeping things alternating but that seemed confusing as far as keeping track of a time line.† While I'm okay with non-linear, there would be no sense of advancement save in each person's individual story.† If you've got a better idea I'd love to hear it.

Thanks for all your comments guys.
« Last Edit: March 03, 2010, 08:10:36 PM by LongTimeUnderdog »

Shivertongue

  • Level 9
  • *
  • Posts: 329
  • Fell Points: 0
  • Enjoy your right to be intentionally ridiculous!
    • View Profile
Re: March 1 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Guli 4
« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2010, 07:53:33 PM »
Quote
It's actually my first attempt and creating the Naming stuff.  Since people can move names around, I'm trying to develop a way of writing someone with several names so they all appear and are understandable.  For example, both Jin'Cathul and Talven have the "last name" of Del'Nosa'Gosa.  But Talven's wife is Pai'asei Del'Nosa.  Pai'asei is a title (like Masei and Lady and Mistress).  Talven's two names are really TALVEN and GOSA.  Since he's married to a Del'Nosa, he's Talven Del'Nosa.  Because he has another name, he's Talven Del'Nosa'Gosa.  Jin is Jin'Cathul Del'Nosa'Gosa.  I find this confusing and not at all understandable (first attempt after all).  You'll have to tell me what you think of this other method, and that is to use hyphens.

Talven would become Talven--Gosa Del'Nosa, while Jin would still be Del'Nosa'Gosa, being his son.

Alright. The arrangement makes sense, especially in this matriarchal society (having his wife's name come before his own). Something I would recommend would be making sure that the reader knows early on how it all works. Especially with Pai'asei. Using apostrophes in names and titles means you have to distinguish which are which. This could be handled by having her referred to as 'The Pai'asei' or some such.

Hmm... Del'Nosa'Gosa... I can't help but this there has to be a better way to do this. I can't offer any suggestions at the moment, but if I do think of something I;ll be sure to send it your way.
This propaganda has been brought to you by High Priest and Occasional Pope Archbishop Shivertongue Von Slamdance VI, of the Vibrating Purple cabal of POEE (Paratheoanametamystikhood Of Eris Esoteric). All rights ignored. Salvation not available in Idaho. Hail Eris. All Hail Discordia. Fnord?