Author Topic: February 8 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Guli 1:2  (Read 1829 times)

LongTimeUnderdog

  • Level 9
  • *
  • Posts: 304
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
February 8 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Guli 1:2
« on: February 08, 2010, 03:29:08 AM »
Have funs!

Recovering_Cynic

  • Level 13
  • *
  • Posts: 581
  • Fell Points: 0
  • Except vampires. Vampires suck.
    • View Profile
    • my livejournal
Re: February 8 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Guli 1:2
« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2010, 08:34:01 PM »
The email had no attachment.
this is the way the world ends,
not with a bang, but a whimper
~T.S. Eliot

Recovering_Cynic

  • Level 13
  • *
  • Posts: 581
  • Fell Points: 0
  • Except vampires. Vampires suck.
    • View Profile
    • my livejournal
Re: February 8 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Guli 1:2
« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2010, 08:34:41 PM »
Wait, got it on the second one :)

Thoughts while reading:

Where did Tabitha come from?  At first I thought she was the Murt . . .  Wait, she is the Murt.  You need to name it earlier.

Okay, there are way too many characters.  I can't distinguish them, and I haven't the faintest idea of who they are, except for the dad.  This may be a biproduct of having read the last chapter far too long ago, but I recall having difficulty then too.

I don't understand.  Why don't the pygmies have the same witch phobia as the other tribes?

Why would there be a fire in a rock cave?  Why was that his mom's first reaction when Guli woke her up?

I don't quite understand what happened here:
Quote
The fruit shattered over the shell of the kaldo and sent the animal spiraling through the air.
  Wouldn't a blow from the side make it skitter sideways? 

Wait, is Guli making super-human leaps?  It's not clear.

Wait, the caravan is in the sunlight?  I thought this whole chapter was happening at night. . .

Finished.

Alright, so Guli is superman.  You got some 'splaining to do there.  The chapter needs a hard edit; there were a lot of mispellings and wrong words which made it hard to read.  Otherwise, I like the structure.  You planted enough plot to make it interesting.  The chapter did not feel over though; you didn't make it clear whether Guli escaped, or what his status was when the chapter ended up.

« Last Edit: February 08, 2010, 09:07:21 PM by Recovering_Cynic »
this is the way the world ends,
not with a bang, but a whimper
~T.S. Eliot

Shivertongue

  • Level 9
  • *
  • Posts: 329
  • Fell Points: 0
  • Enjoy your right to be intentionally ridiculous!
    • View Profile
Re: February 8 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Guli 1:2
« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2010, 07:01:16 AM »
I have to agree with Cynic. This chapter needs some serious editing. I was, however, able to follow it reasonably well, which is something considering I haven't yet made it to the first Guli chapter. (I've made it up to Anaith 2; everything up to that, by the way, is very engrossing). There was a potentially significant plot development, however, at the end, with the discovery by the men at the oasis that there is a village of people to exploit. I'm going to predict that they'll attack, and people will find out that Guli told them they were there, and people are going to be pissed at him. Then, he'll do something to win back everyone's trust. That or get exiled from the village.

Now, please prove me wrong on that. If you can't, then do a spectacular job at proving me right.

Some things that confused me, and this might be because I haven't read Guli 1 yet, is that this chapter had some things in it that were quite confusing. The song he sings to himself while mining is from the real world; does this story take place in the real world, albeit sometime far in the future or the past? Or is Guli from "our reality" and has been somehow transposed to this one? Some of the other words and phrases he uses make me think something like this as well.

I'm still figuring out the various animals and names for things.

Again, hard editing is needed, but this has the potential for a very strong chapter. Looking forward to the next.
This propaganda has been brought to you by High Priest and Occasional Pope Archbishop Shivertongue Von Slamdance VI, of the Vibrating Purple cabal of POEE (Paratheoanametamystikhood Of Eris Esoteric). All rights ignored. Salvation not available in Idaho. Hail Eris. All Hail Discordia. Fnord?

vegetathalas

  • Level 4
  • *
  • Posts: 62
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
    • Jenn's World
Re: February 8 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Guli 1:2
« Reply #4 on: February 10, 2010, 07:41:31 PM »
I haven't read Guli 1 yet, so I'll assume the terminology is explained there.

Tabitha the murt needs to be named sooner. Wait...if Tabitha's the murt and Guli's riding the murt, how is it possible for her to beat him?

Hober is a name from George R.R. Martin, although an obscure one. Or maybe it was 'Hobar.' Ah...looked it up, it's actually Hobber. Like I said, very obscure though, so I doubt it matters. Not to mention the fact that George R.R. Martin uses just about every name in the universe...

Having the song similar from our world is a little jarring, given that everything else is so different.

I like the description of the woman in white.

Size confusion. Guli talked about being a small boy and fitting into the pygmy cave, but later he describes himself as giant. If he's bigger than the rest of his adopted family, he probably doesn't think of himself as "a small boy."

If besmin is harder than steel, what are their picks made of? Besmin?

I like the Kaldo hunt description. I also like the description of the riding people, and when Guli hurt them.

I think you'd serve yourself most by simplifying down to the elements that matter most and sticking with those. I love the depth of your world and the backstory, but so much is in there that it feels muddled to me.

Guli feels a lot younger than eight in his thoughts, definitely younger than twelve. He thinks like I'd expect a four-year-old to think, very impulsive with no understanding of adult responsibilities. For example, an eight-year-old is unlikely to run into his parent's bedroom demanding an answer to his question right now.

If he's as big as his brother, why didn't he work in the mines sooner?

I'd like to see some more emotional depth to Guli. He seems to be motivated more by curiosity than a sense of loss. I'm not getting much sense of his internal conflict between loving his adopted parents and not knowing about his past.

It seems odd to me that his family can't understand him wanting to know and remember where he came from. It's hard to imagine anyone being that un-empathetic, unless there's some detail to the culture I don't understand. It seems like a straw-man discussion.

I liked this chapter more than some of the others, because there was a definite conflict and a definite sense of motion. And I like Guli as a character, though he feels a lot like all of your other child characters--voices that may be too similar.

ErikHolmes

  • Level 10
  • *
  • Posts: 394
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
Re: February 8 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Guli 1:2
« Reply #5 on: February 22, 2010, 12:03:04 AM »
I'm going to agree with most everyone else. This chapter needs a lot of work IMO.

Reading things from Guli's POV just annoyed me. He just doesn't seem believable to me. Most of the time he seemed much younger than 8 to me. In my experience 8 year old boys don't call their father daddy. I guess I'm much more willing to accept a young protagonist that acts and thinks like an older child then read about an older child acting like a younger one.

When I read Guli I can't help but thinking that he's supposed to be a mentally challenged child, etc.

As for his strength. If he's supposed to have superhuman strength that's fine, but acting like it isn't superhuman isn't. Guli would have to really be superhuman to pull that trick with the spear at the end. It's not believable for any living creature. Meaning, I don't believe that any non-magical or non-superhuman race could pull it off. He's lifting probably at least twice his entire body weight, one handed with really bad leverage working against him.

The flashback made me thing he was watching a parade in New York, with fireworks going off in the sky. Am I even close?
Who the hell is interrupting my Kung Fu!

LongTimeUnderdog

  • Level 9
  • *
  • Posts: 304
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
Re: February 8 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Guli 1:2
« Reply #6 on: February 22, 2010, 04:02:48 AM »
Ohh thanks guys.  I love your comments and advice.  Response time.  I'm starting with Erik because he's the first on the reply page down, and my hardest critic.  I'm responding in a way that I hope makes it easier to read, like responding to a conversation.  Not because I have anything against Erik (quite the opposite) but because I want this to be less boring to read.

Quote
Most of the time he seemed much younger than 8 to me.

Actually he's 12 years old, about, as the man in the Caravan pointed out.

Quote
When I read Guli I can't help but thinking that he's supposed to be a mentally challenged child, etc.

Good.

Quote
It's not believable for any living creature. Meaning, I don't believe that any non-magical or non-superhuman race could pull it off. He's lifting probably at least twice his entire body weight, one handed with really bad leverage working against him.

I guess that means he's magical.

Quote
The flashback made me thing he was watching a parade in New York, with fireworks going off in the sky. Am I even close?

Probably closest of anyone (who didn't think of it like that).

Quote
Having the song similar from our world is a little jarring, given that everything else is so different.

Yeah . . . I'm not a song writer.  I'll have to grab my music buddy and get his help.

Quote
If besmin is harder than steel, what are their picks made of? Besmin?

Bulou tusks, forgot to mention that, sorry.  And for anyone who didn't catch it, that stuff is just a blue and pink colored Jade (which is also harder then steel . . . and mined with . . . steel . . . back in the day).

Quote
There was a potentially significant plot development, however, at the end, with the discovery by the men at the oasis that there is a village of people to exploit. I'm going to predict that they'll attack, and people will find out that Guli told them they were there, and people are going to be pissed at him. Then, he'll do something to win back everyone's trust. That or get exiled from the village.

Now, please prove me wrong on that. If you can't, then do a spectacular job at proving me right.

Okay, you're on.

Quote
Alright, so Guli is superman.  You got some 'splaining to do there.

Well, if you must know.  It's because Guli [Censored for spoilers][Censored for spoilers][Censored for spoilers][Censored for spoilers][Censored for spoilers][Censored for spoilers][Censored for spoilers][Censored for spoilers].

I think that's everything.

Now my question to you is:  Did anyone remember the Prologue enough to catch the similarities between God's and Guli's memory problem?






« Last Edit: February 22, 2010, 04:25:17 AM by LongTimeUnderdog »

ErikHolmes

  • Level 10
  • *
  • Posts: 394
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
Re: February 8 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Guli 1:2
« Reply #7 on: February 22, 2010, 05:04:52 AM »
Quote
It's not believable for any living creature. Meaning, I don't believe that any non-magical or non-superhuman race could pull it off. He's lifting probably at least twice his entire body weight, one handed with really bad leverage working against him.

I guess that means he's magical.

And that's fine. But from reading the story I didn't get the impression that his parents thought so. This could just be me. But I see him picking up the caravan guy like he did a pretty extreme feat of strength. (I'm also kind of thinking that the spear would have just broke).

I guess from my read of it I didn't get the impression that his dad was all that concerned with the fact that his son can bench press cars.
Who the hell is interrupting my Kung Fu!

LongTimeUnderdog

  • Level 9
  • *
  • Posts: 304
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
Re: February 8 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Guli 1:2
« Reply #8 on: February 22, 2010, 05:27:41 AM »
You do make an excellent point.  Or rather, several excellent points.  But then he has been "Bench pressing cars" for a number of years now, so I should probably point that out . . . somewhere.  On the subject of magical Guli, parents aside, why the dancing rocks did not give away him being magical?

As to the spear, at the time I was thinking, "Oh everyone knows about hardwoods and weapon shafts."  And like a goob I forget that I'm the only crazy nerd who has wasted his life learning this stuff.  For the future since you'll probably never read the rewrite:

Oriental hard woods in particular,  though adequate trees exist in Europe, are able to support a full grown man's weight.  In fact that is really the test of their quality.  A staff fighter in Japan should have a staff strong enough to stand on it.  Spears are no less powerful, considering they are designed to take a full charge from an armored horse and be usable again.  What we as normal people consider combat worthy wood, and what ancient fighters considered combat worthy wood, are vastly, vastly different.

The above is of course not meant to be construed with throwing spears or javelins used by the Greeks and Romans, which were designed to break after the first throw.  So people could not throw them back.

Recovering_Cynic

  • Level 13
  • *
  • Posts: 581
  • Fell Points: 0
  • Except vampires. Vampires suck.
    • View Profile
    • my livejournal
Re: February 8 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Guli 1:2
« Reply #9 on: February 22, 2010, 05:04:50 PM »
Er...

Where did they get the wood?  There are no trees in your world...
this is the way the world ends,
not with a bang, but a whimper
~T.S. Eliot

LongTimeUnderdog

  • Level 9
  • *
  • Posts: 304
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
Re: February 8 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Guli 1:2
« Reply #10 on: February 22, 2010, 06:56:20 PM »
Northern Salts.  If you go far enough north, you'll find trees.  Also there's . . . any oasis in the desert like the one's around Mubasa (next chapter).  And there's the volcanic jungles by the ocean in the southwestern Hellfane (Zulbane 1:1).  Wooden choots made by the Ziphoas (Anaiah 1:2).
« Last Edit: February 22, 2010, 06:59:31 PM by LongTimeUnderdog »