Author Topic: February 22 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Two  (Read 2284 times)

Asmodemon

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February 22 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Two
« on: February 22, 2010, 11:02:02 PM »
Hello everyone,

I ended up sending this chapter out a little later than I originally intended, but here it is. I'm looking forward to reading your comments.

LongTimeUnderdog

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Re: February 22 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Two
« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2010, 03:41:49 AM »
Didn't get it.

Recovering_Cynic

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Re: February 22 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Two
« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2010, 05:35:55 PM »
I got it and read it, but I was so bleary-eyed even before I started that by the end I was practically passed out.  I'll give it another look through so that I can give you some decent feed-back.
this is the way the world ends,
not with a bang, but a whimper
~T.S. Eliot

LongTimeUnderdog

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Re: February 22 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Two
« Reply #3 on: February 23, 2010, 08:59:04 PM »
Still don't have it.

Asmodemon

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Re: February 22 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Two
« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2010, 11:43:44 PM »
LTU, I resend it to you. Did you get it this time?

LongTimeUnderdog

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Re: February 22 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Two
« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2010, 12:07:12 AM »
Yep!

LongTimeUnderdog

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Re: February 22 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Two
« Reply #6 on: February 24, 2010, 12:41:46 AM »
It was very nice.  Okay it fell fairly close to awesome.

I say fairly close because, despite all the great stuff (the writing, the prose, the dialogue, the game of guess who the real bad guy is) every time some piece of modernity came up, everything else crumbled.  Through out the piece there are small examples such as "messed up," early on and others.  There are quite a few others, actually and I could point them all out but I'm certain you'll catch them/get rid of them in the eventual rewrite anyway.  One you might not notice though, is the use of the word Centimeter.  That word does not strike me as conjoined with the rest of the setting.  That's probably just me though.

I was really really really really glad Rosalin was not a chick in a dude's body, but mellang of the giant and herself (making her new body a chick body).  I can't stand gender switching stories.  Well that's not entirely true, but in general its such a cheap comedic gag.

Rosalin does not sound like she did before.  Perhaps that's intentional, perhaps not.  She seems older.  How you view that is up to you.  I did not have an issue with it (beyond noticing the voice change).

Still not a fan of the elemental magics but I'm letting it slide . . . this time . . . because everything else was neat and you used the word shaman (which always scores points).

Also at the end of the Rosalin part before you mustered off after the Sister, the men surrounded her.  The cut was good.  No need to go on.  I'm still surprised, however, that she did not suddenly become aware of their weapons.  I think, personally, that would make it seem just that more ominous.

Shivertongue

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Re: February 22 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Two
« Reply #7 on: February 24, 2010, 01:28:22 AM »
I was really really really really glad Rosalin was not a chick in a dude's body, but mellang of the giant and herself (making her new body a chick body).† I can't stand gender switching stories.† Well that's not entirely true, but in general its such a cheap comedic gag.

I'm gonna second this. I was worried about that happening at the end of the last chapter and through part of this one.

I was a bit confused at the scene break after the soldiers show up. First, are the soldiers and Amaryllis giants too, or is Rosalin/Rosen the only one? Second and more important, I was terribly confused at the scene following it. Viewpoints shifted, I think, but I wasn't able to tell to whom or what was happening. I had to reread the first few paragraphs of the scene to confirm that it wasn't Rosalin we were seeing the story through after the shift.

The idea of Paths intrigue me. Unlike LTU, I like elemental magic, especially if you can spin it a new way.

Very nice, especially the scenes with Rosalin, Rosen, and Amaryllis. It did take me a second look to realize that Amaryllis was trying to kill her, though, and it took "A crazy girl whose name and reason she didnít even know was viciously trying to kill her." to really solidify it for me. I thought Rosen's attempted infodumps and Rosalin's telling him to shut up throughout were hilarious.

Not much more an I can think to say here. I like what is happening, plot seems to be advancing, I really hope Rosalin doesn't spend too much time wallowing in self-pity or hopelessness. Prose and word choice could use a bit of tightening and polishing, but that's something to worry about when you start the second draft. Very nice work.

Looking forward to chapter three.
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LongTimeUnderdog

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Re: February 22 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Two
« Reply #8 on: February 24, 2010, 02:41:37 AM »
What did bother me a bit, that I forgot to mention, is some of the scene/PoV changes took too long, I think, to identify whom we were following.  She was used alot for Orchid before we actually got Orchid's name.  And there was nothing to otherwise indicate who it was.

ErikHolmes

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Re: February 22 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Two
« Reply #9 on: February 24, 2010, 07:17:50 AM »
I really liked the chapter. A circle of stones, mystical paths and a ghost-like fae girl are all right up my alley.

Having said that my biggest problem was that I thought the chapter was more confusing then it needed to be. It's hard to come up with strong examples, but between the confusion Rosalin feels at the opening of the chapter, to the POV and scene switches the whole chapter just had a confusing feel.

Which isn't always a bad thing but in this case I don't think it helped.

One thing I didn't understand or like was that we end one scene with Rosalin standing over the little girl who was attacking her. She asks Rosalin to free her. Then a few paragraphs down Rosaline is in a totally different situation. I'm guessing she left the little girl and started walking through the forest, but its really not clear. What happened to Amaryllis?

Switching to Orchid was even worse. It was just confusion for the first few paragraphs. Part of this might have been your using of the _________ as scene breaks. I'm used to seeing a # used as a scene break in a MS.

Also, I'd suggest using a method where Rosalin and Rosen's thoughts are separate. Like where Rosen's are underlined and bold, etc. It can be confusing enough with such similar names.

But don't get me wrong. None of this ever really threw me off, but I did go back and double check a few paragraphs.

Great stuff though. I'm interested to find out more about Rosen and Amaryllis.
Who the hell is interrupting my Kung Fu!

Recovering_Cynic

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Re: February 22 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Two
« Reply #10 on: February 24, 2010, 03:38:20 PM »
I'm going to second everything that has been said, especially Eric.  The story is good and I am interested in what happens next.  You've left plenty of mysteries to be solved.

Like Erik said, the part that threw me most were the scene changes/internal thoughts.  Many times, I had to stop and figure out who Rosalin was talking to or who was even talking.  Don't bother revising it now, just keep it in mind as you keep plugging away at the story.  One thing that might help is giving Rosalin a little more time to gain her equilibrium before the other chick shows up.  Give your reader time to get used to having Rosen in her head (and I agree that some special font would help with identifying his voice) before you toss in another character.  It doesn't have to be much, just a page or so for us to get used to things.
this is the way the world ends,
not with a bang, but a whimper
~T.S. Eliot

RavenstarRHJF

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Re: February 22 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Two
« Reply #11 on: September 03, 2010, 04:15:00 AM »
I have nothing to add, except to reiterate what everyone else said.  Good chapter.  Confusion abounds.  Work on it later. ;)
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