Author Topic: January 25 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Jin 4  (Read 1009 times)

LongTimeUnderdog

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January 25 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Jin 4
« on: January 25, 2010, 07:55:58 PM »
This time with the right subject line . . . hehe.

Asmodemon

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Re: January 25 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Jin 4
« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2010, 11:19:06 PM »
Well, it took me longer to get to this chapter than I intended, but Iíve had little time the last few weeks. The first thing that came to mind when I read this chapter is something Recovering Cynic said about Anaiah 7, and thatís: ďWhen do the characters start leading the story?Ē

The characters in your story are mostly reacting to things happening, but itís not just the characters, itís the chapters as well. I feel like Iím reading a lot of aftermaths and consequences, but not the action that preceded them.

At the start of the chapter we get a glimpse of Jin having taken action, because heís being punished for trying to escape. In itself the chapter is not bad, but I donít want to see Jinís punishment (where heís just reacting again), I want to see him take affirmative action, I want to see him try to escape. What I want to see is what prompted this escape attempt. Why now? How was he going to do it? How did he fail?

This is Jinís fourth chapter and so far your beginning chapters feel slow Ė having a chapter where Jin actively tries to escape the Pits would offset this greatly I think. After his failure we know heís going to be punished, so we donít really need to see that. In fact it might be better if we donít so we can imagine our own worst punishments. You can have chapter five begin after the punishment has happened.

Thatís the big thing I noted on reading the chapter. I also found two smaller things, both of which have to do with Jalean. The first is a minor gripe and itís about how she insults Jin during his punishment. Heís been in the Pits for six years and sheís still using the Ďyour father sold you!í taunt on him.

After all that time Jin should be hardened to it. It makes Jalean seem like a common bully and not the mistress of the pits. It also makes it seem she lacks imagination in coming up with something better. And the worse thing she does is show to everyone watching how much interest she has in Jin, because I canít imagine her personally coming over to taunt every boy breaking the rules. Showing everyone Jinís important to her is not what she wants I think.

The second point is the punishment itself. Jalean doesnít want Jin to die, but if this is the case letting everyone throw rocks, sharp rocks, at him isnít a good idea. One stone in the wrong place and Jinís in a coma or worse. Stoning as punishment is fine if the object is to kill, but otherwise itís just too risky.

ErikHolmes

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Re: January 25 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Jin 4
« Reply #2 on: February 03, 2010, 01:24:13 AM »
So I like the writing, its easy to read, it flows well and its descriptive.

I just have a hard time believing it. Jin's a young guy, living through hell for the past six years, but he still acts like a baby. If he's trying to run every day and getting punished more then any of the other kids, you'd think he'd be the toughest kid in there.

I'm expecting him to tell them: "That didn't hurt."

I just don't get why he's the wimp of the group. He's supposed to be smart. He's got to be in good shape. He's tall. When he does decide to fight he seems to do ok.

If he's holding back for some reason we need to know why.

Aside from that I think the main problem is that the story just needs to have something happening in it. Even though Jin is getting beat on every day, there is actually no conflict in this story.

Jin displeases someone. Jin gets punished. Jin is made to do something he doesn't want to do.

But theres no conflict. If he had a plan, then something happens to stop that plan. That would work. The other chapter had some. He was trying to get bought. He won the fight but was stopped by Jalean raising his price.

I'd like to see some strong hooks too to keep me going to the next chapter.

But its good stuff. I'm just anxious for the story to really pick up.
Who the hell is interrupting my Kung Fu!