Author Topic: 25 Jan 2010 - ryos - To Wish Upon a Dragon  (Read 2323 times)

ryos

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25 Jan 2010 - ryos - To Wish Upon a Dragon
« on: January 25, 2010, 11:27:39 AM »
Hey guys!

I started this thinking I was going to write a piece of flash fiction. Hah, that's a laugh. It grew to 4000 words before it was finished with me.

This isn't the sort of thing I normally write. And, in all honesty, I don't really feel qualified to write a story like this. "So why'd you write it, Ryan?" Shoot, I dunno. Chalk it up to momentary insanity, and an irrational thirst for a challenge.

With that said, I'm a bit worried that the people in this story don't act like people should. And, I'm worried about clichés. So keep an eye out for those, if you would.

Thanks, as always, for reading and for your insightful comments.

This submission is rated PG. I'd rate it G, but honestly I think the kids would find it boring. :D
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Recovering_Cynic

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Re: 25 Jan 2010 - ryos - To Wish Upon a Dragon
« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2010, 12:42:28 AM »
I really, really, really liked the story.  Well done.  Other than a typo here and there, it is grammatically pretty clean.  I do have some thoughts and suggestions though.

First, the only structural problem is your format.  It starts out as just a story, but finishes as a letter.  You either need to make it all story or all letter.  Easily fixed, but know that if you make it all letter, it will be harder to do the dialogue and whatnot.  You'll have to be careful.

Second, what are you going to do with this?  It is not quite fantasy because it is ambiguous as to whether the dragon ever existed.  If you confirmed the dragon existed, I would say submit this to writers of the future or a fantasy magazine.  It's good enough that you'll get at least a hard look.  If you keep it the way it is and leave the dragon ambiguous, then you can submit it just about anywhere, although you might think about making the title a little less fantasy-ish so that other magazines might be more accepting.  Anyway, I really enjoyed it.  Polish it up some and submit it somewhere.
this is the way the world ends,
not with a bang, but a whimper
~T.S. Eliot

ryos

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Re: 25 Jan 2010 - ryos - To Wish Upon a Dragon
« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2010, 03:38:34 AM »
Thanks for the comments. :)

First, the only structural problem is your format.  It starts out as just a story, but finishes as a letter.  You either need to make it all story or all letter.  Easily fixed, but know that if you make it all letter, it will be harder to do the dialogue and whatnot.  You'll have to be careful.

I'll be curious to know if this was an issue for anyone else. I really want to have my cake and eat it too on this one. (that's what it's for, after all). I don't think letter format works for the whole thing, but having Cody writing to his posterity was the best ending I could come up with. I don't have the best track record with endings...

Quote
Second, what are you going to do with this?  It is not quite fantasy because it is ambiguous as to whether the dragon ever existed.  If you confirmed the dragon existed, I would say submit this to writers of the future or a fantasy magazine.  It's good enough that you'll get at least a hard look.  If you keep it the way it is and leave the dragon ambiguous, then you can submit it just about anywhere, although you might think about making the title a little less fantasy-ish so that other magazines might be more accepting.  Anyway, I really enjoyed it.  Polish it up some and submit it somewhere.

I hadn't really thought about it. In the back of my mind, I figured I'd send it to some fantasy magazine. Podcastle has run several stories that are every bit as mildly speculative as this, so I supposed there must be *someone* out there that buys this stuff (Podcastle buys second publication rights). Looking back through their archives, every one of the stories I was thinking of originally appeared in Strange Horizons. So, Strange Horizons it is I guess. :)
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MKDV

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Re: 25 Jan 2010 - ryos - To Wish Upon a Dragon
« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2010, 09:41:33 PM »
Hi there! This is my first time critiquing on this website. I think the story is good, but I do have a few suggestions. The surprise-letter ending was not a problem for me. I think you could keep that.

My main suggestion is kind of a big one--I think that most readers are turned off by works that finish with an overarching, moralistic assertion. I know you'd have to revise a good chunk of the piece if you decided to take my advice. I just wonder if there's a way to be more subtle about the realization that the dragon (if it exists) has been behind the speaker's key life events. I think that you could take out the scene during which the speaker converses with the dragon in his dream--or you could even keep it, but let the dragon reveal some clue that eventually leads the speaker to the discovery of the dragon's influence over his life (instead of telling the reader flat out). And once the this realization occurs, just let it sit.

I wouldn't denounce the dragon or make any sort of bold, moralistic statement. That way, when the reader comes to the end of the story and finds out that the speaker is on his death bed--I think it's far more compelling for the speaker to be conflicted, rather than telling a cautionary tale. If he tells the story of his life's involvement with the dragon without any judgments or sentimental filler, the conflict will be much cleaner. He could finish the story with that moment in which he's lying on his death bed. He's looking at each member of his family (and, the implication would be, thinking about what he would and wouldn't have if he had never met the dragon), and then his family leaves the room--he knows that's the last time he'll ever see them--and at the last moment he notices the dragon's tail wrapped around his granddaughter's neck. [End of story.]

Beyond that, I think there are a few fantasy[archaic language] cliches you should stay away from--"I am bound to set it aright," "there will come a balance due," etc.

Thanks for taking the time to consider my suggestions. I look forward to reading more in the future!


Recovering_Cynic

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Re: 25 Jan 2010 - ryos - To Wish Upon a Dragon
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2010, 12:03:04 AM »
Yeah, I'll have to agree with MKDV.  The moralizing was a bit heavy handed.  In fact, there were time when I felt this was the fantasy version of "Footprints in the Sand".
this is the way the world ends,
not with a bang, but a whimper
~T.S. Eliot

ryos

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Re: 25 Jan 2010 - ryos - To Wish Upon a Dragon
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2010, 12:19:25 AM »
Oh man, I'm so clueless. Help me out, guys. Where am I moralizing? I totally didn't intend to, but I need to fix it.

Also, "Footprints in the Sand"? You mean this? I don't see that either, at all. Please help me see what you see. :)
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Re: 25 Jan 2010 - ryos - To Wish Upon a Dragon
« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2010, 03:50:08 PM »
The dream in the chair where the dragon tells him about all the moments in his life that had been influenced by the dragon, that's what brings to mind Footprints in the Sand, although in this case the dragon was bringing balance rather than Christian comfort.
this is the way the world ends,
not with a bang, but a whimper
~T.S. Eliot

MKDV

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Re: 25 Jan 2010 - ryos - To Wish Upon a Dragon
« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2010, 07:58:37 PM »
Well, I guess what I was suggesting is that the speaker should figure out on his own (rather than being told) that the dragon has affected these major events in his life.

The following is an example of the dialogue that makes this story feel moralistic, cautionary tale-ish:

"Look at the place where you live, mortal! Have you not been paying attention? Bad things happen, everywhere, to everyone! You live in a crucible. Its heat shapes you, and either it destroys your impurities or it destroys you. I can't stop it; I can only shift the bad around so it doesn't hurt as much. You should accept your place, and what you have been given."

My thought is that, by leaving this kind of dialogue/narrative out, you are giving the reader something to think about (rather than telling them him what to think about).

And then my thought is that you should end on a concrete note (ie. my suggestion of ending with the image of the dragon's tail wrapped around the speaker's granddaughter's neck), and toss out the sentimental narration (as below):

"Was it a sick man's hallucination? Was the dragon ever real?

Would I trade the life I have lived for one without the gifts the dragon gave me, and without the damage it did?

I still don't have an answer. More importantly, I can't answer for you. I'm writing this to warn you, for I doubt the dragon will. Know that if you wish upon a dragon, there will come a balance due. Make your choice in light of the knowledge that you are but trading one ill for another.

Thank you for a wonderful life. I love you all, and hope that, whatever you choose, you can find peace."

lethalfalcon

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Re: 25 Jan 2010 - ryos - To Wish Upon a Dragon
« Reply #8 on: April 25, 2010, 09:01:25 AM »
I had to go look up this thread because I thought I was the other person. Guess I wasn't. I *did* read it back in January, because I remembered the story.

At any rate, I though it was quite good. Not quite what I was thinking of when I originally read the title (I'm a real sucker for dragons), but still good nonetheless.

The biggest problem I saw in it was the transition from a story told to a story written at the end. I almost wonder if there was some way you could make it more obvious in the beginning that it was a story being written.  Something like:

Quote
I rubbed my arthritic hands together.  The pain was nearly too great to even hold the pen, but I had to warn them that I'd seen it again.

Then put the actual writing in blockquote or something to denote that it's actually the story.  Or, alternatively, you could change it a bit so that you're actually *telling* the children about it the whole time. Then it would feel right. You could even caution Liza right then and there.

Going on the previous problem, this one sentence in particular throws me:

Quote
Was it a sick man's hallucination? Was the dragon ever real?

That sounds a lot more like an inner thought than something he would write, even though everything else feels otherwise. Also:

Quote
Caraline did have more children. Three more perfect children, who grew into wonderful adults.

Usually one doesn't write to someone and refer to them in the third person. I suppose it's not the worst thing you can do, but it still seems a little awkward to switch from third person to first person in the following sentence.

 So... I guess I did have a bit of a problem with that. :P Throwing the ending out altogether would work as well, I'd say. Maybe even have them leaving after he tells them his spiel, and have him feel something (dread, sympathy, etc.) for Liza when he sees the dragon as she closes the door behind her.  That would be kinda awesome for an ending, I think. One of those "Nooooooooooo! Not her tooooooo!" types.

Yeah, good job, though. I liked it. :) *Tag* Your turn, butcher mine! :)
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Frog

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Re: 25 Jan 2010 - ryos - To Wish Upon a Dragon
« Reply #9 on: April 28, 2010, 09:26:55 PM »
I'm going to disagree with MKDV because I love fairy tales (which always have morals) and if there wasn't a bit of a moral in there somewhere I might wonder if there is really a point to all this. Now you could make it a bit more subtle if you're afraid of 'preaching,' but I think the overall idea is just fine as is.

You probably are over-narrating though and should probably 'show' much more then you are currently 'telling.' All the rhetorical questions got old pretty quick and I also was confused on the time frame because it seemed like parts were in present tense when the end makes it clear this was written after the fact. I agree with RC and Falcon that it should be consistently a letter if that is what it is.

And again, just to drive you crazy, I will tell you that along with the letter thing not working,  the end was rushed, but probably not quite as badly as in your other two stories.   ;)

Good luck if you decide to summit it. Line edits coming.
« Last Edit: April 28, 2010, 11:21:44 PM by Frog »
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Re: 25 Jan 2010 - ryos - To Wish Upon a Dragon
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2010, 09:38:49 PM »
As for where to submit it: Strange Horizons would probably be a good bet. Other than that, I'd look for any market with an interest in slipstream. You might be able to talk some litmags into it, too. I wouldn't worry about the title too much. Just write a cover letter categorizing it as "literary fiction." :P

(I would suggest Beneath Ceaseless Skies, since I know they're into literary fantasy, but I think they're mostly into adventure fantasy. I've only read their submissions page, though; I haven't actually read any of the stories (this makes me a bad person, I know) so I don't know how far they might be willing to stray from this.)

I didn't think the structure of the story was a problem, and I wouldn't change it. It might help to give an indication early on that this is a letter. It doesn't need to be some sort of "I pause with my pen over the paper" kind of statement, either--to be honest, I find those faintly annoying, especially if they exist ONLY to remind/tell the reader that this is a letter. What if you just formatted the story like a letter? You know, with a date and salutation (or whatever) at the top. After that, the conversational tone to the voice should be sufficient to remind the reader that this is supposed to be a letter, and then people won't be too startled by the end.

I don't think you need to make this "all letter" or "no letter" either. We know that we're supposed to be reading a letter; we also know that we're actually reading fiction. I think most readers will forgive the slippages into scene rather than letter--don't let format get in the way of storytelling.

The moralizing. To be honest, I didn't even notice this while reading, but having read the comments I do see where you're coming from. I don't think that it needs to go away necessarily (especially if, as Frog has already noted, you're going for a fairy-tale feel), and it makes sense from a story perspective that the dragon itself would be a moralizing figure. A little subtletly never hurts these things, though. Maybe you could make the questions that the dragon poses a little more open-ended? True, the narrator admits that he doesn't have an answer. But he's also said that he's at peace with his decisions, and well, it doesn't really feel like a conflict anymore.

I don't think that the question of the ending should go away. I wonder if, instead of making it purely sentiment (where I don't mean that as a criticism, but it is a bit distant and philosophic) you could ground that same question in the narrator's reaction to seeing the dragon on Liza's shoulder (a reaction which we get almost nothing of). That might make it more emotive and immediate, and perhaps lessen the feelings that the ending is purely sentimental or moral.

(Hmm... maybe this is a letter meant mostly as a warning to Liza?)

Regarding what Frog said about showing versus telling: Well, I did notice that there was a lot of telling/summary. I'm honestly not sure, though, that this is a flaw. For one thing, I didn't feel bored with the story at any point, and it is more true to the letter-writing format. I think you've picked your "scene" moments fairly well, though perhaps one or two more wouldn't hurt if you want to ramp up the more emotional moments a bit.

And let's face it--if you try to write this all as scene (aside from the fact that you'd almost certainly have to lose the letter format) it is going to balloon. This thing could easily be a novella at least, and I'm not sure that's what you want.

Hrmm. That was...less helpful than you were probably hoping for. Hope you get something out of all that, at least. Good luck! :)