Well it took some time for me to get to this chapter, but I first read through your other submissions. First of all I want to say I like your setting. There are some interesting locations and setting conflicts going on – the God chapter was especially interesting. Your characters also have a lot of potential.
With Anaiah 1:6 I like the dialogue between Anaiah and her partners in crime and that you get to some action. The chapter end in a cliff-hanger, which gives me the feeling her story line is going somewhere. She’s also really skilful, but what I do wonder is how old she is exactly – given Jin’Cathul 1:3 she’s also fourteen or something? Some of the enemies fall rather easily to her.
Now on to the critique. Aside from grammar and spelling (which I'll ignore for now because you've already said this is a rough draft) there are a couple of things I noticed on reading through your submissions. A number have already been said by others, so I’ll skip those. What follows is more geared to the whole of what I read, instead of just Anaiah 1:6.
Character Descriptions
The first thing I’ve noticed throughout all your chapters is how you describe your characters. I’m sorry to say they read like grocery lists, where you are just ticking off features; eyes, hair, skin, clothes, accessories, milk, cheese, etc.
Doing this once is not much of a problem, it happens in many books, but you do it every single time with every single character, including the minor ones. The total information you present is also too much to remember. I would suggest you tone down the description to just a few key features, maybe two or three. If it’s a minor character just stick to one.
What I found was that whenever you describe a new character my eyes started to gloss over – I don't think that's the reaction you're going for. The problem you’ve got here is you telling the reader what the characters look like, you’re not showing us and that’s jarring me out of the story. A better idea is to describe what characters look like through actions.
Example: On the left the woman was fair skinned like Talven and Jin, with red hair tied back in a long tail that dropped to her waist. She wore a blue skirt and most of her upper body was dotted in gold. She had a gold ring pierced through her naval and a ring of golden studs surrounding her breasts. Tiny, golden chains hung from her nose, connecting to her ears with little bells dangling from it. Even her lips had gold studs through them. She wears what she sells, Jin took note.
Counter-Example: The sounds of little bells drew his attention to the fair-skinned woman on the left. The woman’s slightest shift created its own kind of music, a symphony of chimes and the rustling of delicate golden chains and studs. She wore her merchandise proudly, Jin noted. Just the thought of one of those beautiful rings piercing his skin nearly made him cringe, but she was covered with more gold than was arrayed in front of her. If her wares were worth a fortune, she was absolutely priceless.
This is just a simple example, but you get the picture.
Story Flow
With Anaiah 1:6 you’ve skipped a couple of chapters ahead, which is good, since the feeling I get from Anaiah 1:6 is that little of import to the grand scheme of the story happened in Anaiah 1:1 to Anaiah 1:5. But then you bog down the story with her thinking about what happened in the previous chapters.
If you’re not going to give us those chapters, then what happened in them is not important enough for lengthy musing. If you are going to give us those chapters, the flashbacks are unnecessary. Either way, you’re telling us what’s happening again instead of showing us.
What I do get from Anaiah 1:6 is that a lot of time has gone by, but nothing is really happening. I get this with Jin’Cathul 1:3 as well. So far the lives of your characters are not easy, but in terms of plot and pacing they are just meandering along. With over 30,000 words into the story I should have the feeling that things are moving towards something – maybe I’m wrong about what that something is, but I should feel movement, and I don’t feel that.
The problem is that your main characters, Jin’Cathul, Anaiah, Zulbane, and Duli, are all in their separate beginning stories, with side-characters, conflicts, and locations, unique to each of them. That’s why I don’t feel any movement to the story; we’re still mired in the beginnings with no end in sight. I say there’s no end, because I’ve only read one Duli chapter so far and also one Zulbane chapter. Add the missing beginning chapters for Duli and Zulbane to the mix and you’re asking for a lot of patience before getting to the point where things start moving.
Chapter Confusion
You name your chapters after your main characters. Progressing through them is easy; Jin’Cathul 1:3 follows after Jin’Cathul 1:2. However, I’m getting a little lost with the connections between the chapters of different characters. For instance, does Jin’Cathul 1:3 take place before, during, or after Anaiah 1:6? And where do Duli and Zulbane fit in? In the finished work it'll probably be clearer, but for now it's confusing.
Points of View
What I really like about Jin’Cathul 1:3 and Anaiah 1:6 is that it’s told from Jin’s and Anaiah’s points of view. In the other chapters, such as the first chapter of Anaiah, Duli, and Zulbane, you use other view points. In this way we’re not really getting to know the main characters. I knew from the chapter titles which characters are truly important, but nowhere in Zulbane 1:1 for instance did I get the feeling he’s the main character. The same with Duli 1:1 and Anaiah 1:1.
