Author Topic: Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4  (Read 2886 times)

Andrew the Great

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Re: Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4
« Reply #15 on: November 15, 2009, 09:17:22 AM »
Thanks for the clarification there. That makes much more sense.

And I look forward with great anticipation to the day that I get to RAFO someone.
Sign on wall: "We're doing everything we can to get you to the math lab and get you help."
Random girl: "That explains so much about the way my professors have been teaching..."

"Look! I can play Mary had a little lamb on my rape whistle!"

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Silk

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Re: Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4
« Reply #16 on: December 17, 2009, 10:09:37 AM »
Why did Tav not know that he was accepted/annointed/whatever else happens (what DID happen after the Introspection, actually? You should probably touch on that) as a Cerebrant rather than a Denyer? It makes absolutely no sense to me that they wouldn't, you know, tell him this. Also, I know he's tired, but he didn't recognize a staircase where he'd been many times before? Come on, man.

The name "Rowse" came up in your biblical quotation thingies, and now Rowse is also a friend of Tav's and Landon's. I'd pick a different name for one of them. It's just a bit startling otherwise, especially since they come only pages apart.

(Well, maybe not. In retrospect I suppose it would make sense for people with religious upbringings/aspirations to be named after a Biblical figure. Still, it surprised me.)

I think your action scene turned out better than you thought that did in terms of making the magic work within it. That said (you knew it was coming, didn't you? *wry grin*) I had a couple of issues with it. 

I called you last time on using big blocks of italicized thoughts, and I'm going to do it again. Tav is remembering Amil's lessons in Cerebrance while trying to fight the assassin. It really doesn't take much to slow things down in an action scene, because while the character is standing there thinking about stuff it feels like he's not doing anything else. Some suggestions: Have him think in fragments rather than complete sentences maybe, or rather than having him remember exact words. Have him think while moving somewhere or doing things. Have him explain--if you really need him to--while he's trying to work his magic, rather than before.

Actually, having read the rest of your action scene, I really don't think you need the big lng explanation from Amil's memories at all; it's fairly self-explanatory, and I don't think you would have to change much of the action sequence at all. If you feel that the bit about using your soul's memories to power Suggestion is important, that would be easy enough to sneak into the sequence. Things like "Suggestion will trump Invigoration every time" and "well my teachers SAID I was good at it" would be totally believable frantic thoughts as he tries to wrap his mind around this challenge. But don't stop everything to explain how it works. Just show it in action.

The justifications that Tav is coming up with to try and... um... justify tapping into his Potency are interesting, but I think I would prefer to see them later. At least, in any detail. A couple of fleeting thoughts about it are totally understandable, but again, he's kind of going off into la-la land a little bit here. Off in la-la land, after just being crashed into and (presumably, since you mentioned the assassin getting to his feet) thrown to the ground, and then stabbed in the gut. While ON FIRE. It's great that he's having moral qualms even now, but uh, he probably shouldn't spend all day thinking about it.

(Yes, of course I'm exaggerating. I still think you linger a bit too long here.)

The obvious assumption here is that the assassin is after Tav for the things his soul has done. If that's the case, how does he, actually know he has the right soul? I'll presume he (or his superiors, or whoever) has some way of tracking that. Because if not, well, almost nobody seems to know that Tav is even a Cerebrant, let alone what he actually saw during his Introspection. So we would need to know what the connection between the Introspection and the attack was. (Assuming, of course, that this little bit of speculation is correct.)

Oh, and on the subject of the assassin, I'm afraid I have to agree with Ryos. When it comes to assassinating things...he kind of sucks.

I didn't mind that he went off to visit Amil/Landon even though he was tired. That introspection could probably keep you up nights even if you're tired. ;)

You can also be tired (and therefore, one presumes, sleepy-eyed) even when you can't sleep. Trust me on this one. I've been an insomniac for as long as I can remember.

To touch on some of the things Andrew said: I didn't have a problem with Tav reacting negatively to being a Cerebrant. Or, more to the point, I didn't think that he was reacting negatively to being a Cerebrant. I think he was reacting negatively to who or what, specifically, his soul was in its previous incarnation. Since he's busily freaking out over that, it makes perfect sense that he might feel that becoming a Cerebrant himself is somehow undeserved or even dangerous. Likewise, I think Landon was apologizing for being oblivious, not because Tav said he was a Cerebrant.

Hey look, it's now an hour and ten minutes after the time when I wanted to be in bed! I will now end this critique abruptly and go stare at my ceiling until I manage to fall asleep.