Author Topic: Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4  (Read 2875 times)

Chaos

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Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4
« on: November 09, 2009, 03:15:44 PM »
In this chapter, Tav is disturbed from what he saw earlier in the day, so he stares off into the night. Anxious, he goes to find his friends and talk. Then some other stuff happens. Read on and find out. ;)

Personally, I don't know how well the magic worked during the action. It's going to take me quite a bit of time to get the hang of it.

Thanks for reading, as always!

EDIT: Oh, there's violence. In case you have an affinity for those tags.
« Last Edit: November 09, 2009, 03:24:30 PM by Chaos2651 »
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Re: Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4
« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2009, 09:27:33 PM »
Holy sweet action batman!

I liked the chapter.  A lot.  Your book now firmly has my attention.  I'm sitting here smacking my brain to jiggle loose a criticism and failing.  I guess the only thing I have to say is that you need something like this closer to the beginning of the novel.  A prologue, something to indicate that your book has this kind of action later on so that your reader is warned/intrigued (depending on your reader).  You have chapters where you are backbuilding plot--which is great if/when they pay off--but you need to let your reader know fairly early that this book has action too.

The chapter is not perfect--there is some minor grammar stuff and some of the prose can use polishing--but other than polishing, I don't think it should change.  Well done!
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not with a bang, but a whimper
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Chaos

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Re: Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4
« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2009, 12:16:35 AM »
Glad you liked it!

I guess the only thing I have to say is that you need something like this closer to the beginning of the novel.  A prologue, something to indicate that your book has this kind of action later on so that your reader is warned/intrigued (depending on your reader).  You have chapters where you are backbuilding plot--which is great if/when they pay off--but you need to let your reader know fairly early that this book has action too.

Yeah, I agree. Would it work if Tavaris's first viewpoint came as Chapter 1, with its battle scene to set it up?
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Re: Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4
« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2009, 12:40:21 AM »
Actually, I had an idea on that.  Your story is your story, so feel free to reject this, but I think you should have your prologue split in two: keep the trial as the second half, but have a daring rescue as the lawyer guy (can't remember his name) storms the prisons to rescue the ruler's daughter.  While you are writing the scene, you can drop references to the savage destruction/slaughter of the day before.  It would work as a hook, I think.  I don't know if I'd use Tavaris as your first chapter, and here's why: you just got finished killing off the lord ruler dude.  Let that simmer a bit.  Reincarnating him (or revealing the reincarnation of him) in chapter one is a bit quick on the draw.  Nobody's going to be fooled/surprised either way, but I think the timing is better to bring him back in say chapter two at least. 

As to what you should do with chapter one... well, the girl's story needs to start sometime, so it might as well be then.  There just needs to be something sinister or some other kind of tension in her chapter.  There needs to be some kind of feeling that BIG THINGS are about to happen, be they good/fun/bad/interesting.  Her storyline is mostly exposition, which can bog things down.

Keep in mind that I am saying all this from memory, and I can't even remember the names of your characters, so take it for what it's worth :)
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Re: Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4
« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2009, 03:00:55 AM »
Okay, I need to clarify what I was trying to say earlier.  If you open with your first chapter the way it was, there really isn't a hook to push your readers forward into your other chapters.  You foreshadow some events, e.g. that the girl will be going to senate, that she's afraid of the senator who was hunting her, and that she is going to try to stop the war.  In my personal opinion (which people disagree with frequently mind you), while they are good events (and necessary), they are not the kind of events that make you read through the next chapter so that you get back to her character.  Since that's your first chapter, it's not giving your reader an incentive to read on.  There needs to be an event that makes your reader anxious to come back and find out what's going on. You need to plant a burning question in your reader's mind; it can be in the girl's chapter, but in my opinion, it's not there now.
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lethalfalcon

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Re: Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4
« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2009, 09:17:25 AM »
Yay, thrilling action!

Alrighty, now this is something I can get behind. I read the other 4 chapters as well, and it was rather... slow, but this! This I blew through (I read a lot faster when I'm caught up in it).

One thing that bothered me a little was how tired he seemed when he got to his suite, and yet, he ends up wandering off to the other side of the tower to find Amil and then Landon after just a short while reading the Tome. Did he feel rejuvenated by what he read (which doesn't make much sense, considering the dread of the first line), or is he just ignoring his fatigue? Once in the battle, I know that adrenaline would fix the problem for a time, but he's not going to get a rush just going to visit Amil or Landon.

Also, Tav's encounter with William at the beginning seems a little... like an afterthought. Like you wanted to make sure the reader knew that he was there so you could use him during the fight. It just doesn't feel as natural as the rest of the chapter to me. I think a lot of it stems from this:
Quote
On the way, he approached the night-guard...

When he's navigating through and in the Hall,  I got really confused. Normally I can picture how a character walks through a scene pretty well, but I get completely lost in your cathedral. I think it might be because you're referring to the sleeping chamber as a hall, when I think of halls as either small passageways (hallway), or giant rooms with expansive ceilings (dance hall). Usually the room would be called a dormitory (that's the literal word for describing a room full of beds in an institution). You also make multiple mention of the stained glass window, and you have both the corridor and the window "on/to the left".

When Cale arrives (at the far end of the hall, judging from where the one acolyte left), he's suddenly blocking the door to the common rooms, after Tav has entered the common room. This makes no sense. It's also odd how you say he made it into the common rooms, when I think it's likely you mean the corridor (the same one he enters earlier on his way to one of the larger common rooms itself). Still, I doubt Cale teleported halfway across the Hall/Dorm to where the corridor was.

The fight scene was great, but I think there are again some positional issues. When Tav originally entered the room, the kerosene lamp was near the door (on the wall?). At least, it seemed that way to me. The problem here is that it would be impossible for Tav to reach the lamp, because it would be behind the assassin at that point (since the assassin rushed into the room before halting). If it is on the wall (usually they were, so people wouldn't knock them over so easily), it's kinda hard to pick it up, too. Doesn't stop you from ripping it off the wall, though. Of course, perhaps there's a second lamp on a table or something, but it was never alluded to before.

Okay, I'm done ranting... wait, please don't run away! Come back! I can speak the good parts now!

The way your character acted was so... good. He didn't just go all-powerful on the assassin and kick him to the curb (although that would be cool, too). He really tried hard to be "better" than his previous self by using Suggestion and his brain to avoid using Potency. He only used it as a last resort to not die and save the night. And he'll have a nifty scar to show all the ladies! I'm really glad he didn't walk out of that fight unscathed. Main characters can get hurt too! :)

I feel kinda bad for ragging on your positioning, but when I'm reading, and especially when I'm reading action scenes, I want to visualize. And I can really visualize. It's one of my biggest curses, though, because if I can't visualize something, I can't write it.  One thing I find that really helps is to actually draw the floor plan of your buildings. Even if it's just a raw sketch, it can really help you see exactly where your characters all are in relation to each other. Or, you can use miniatures and act it out.

In conclusion, keep it up! I want to read more about this magic, and I want to see how Tav deals with his inner turmoil. Line level edits have also been sent. Let me know if you don't get them.
« Last Edit: November 10, 2009, 09:21:04 AM by lethalfalcon »
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Re: Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4
« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2009, 03:02:52 AM »
Again with the cheeriness and light.  Seriously, I thought you wrote dark fantasy? /sarcasm

This is really heavy stuff.  I mean really.  Punishing people for what they did in their past lives is NOT a way to engender feelings of responsibility- you know, the kind of thing that could make you want to be good?  "Oh, it's not use trying, obviously I'm a horrible person, so I'll just go and be horrible." :P

Obviously, you're trying to set up something like that with Tavaris, but again, society is going to be against him on this.  Speaking of... how the heck did the assassin guy know who he was/had been?  Is there some aspect of Potency or Cerebrance that will identify souls you've met in your past lives?  Even as fundamentally as "friend" or "foe?"

Sigh.  I guess I'm going to have to keep reading.

Anyway, from a technical standpoint, as far as I am aware, kerosene lamps aren't turned on by a switch on the wall- not unless there's electricity involved to operate a sparker near the wick- and if you have that, why not just have an electric light?  Even gas lamps need to have their valves manually opened and then lit before you can adjust the brightness.  That was, of course, the major convenience and mind-blowing factor introduced with electric lights- the ability to control the light with a simple flick of a switch as you entered the room.

The action could be smoothed out, yes, but I thought it flowed rather well.  I'll agree with Lethalfalcon, though, and say you need to describe the layout better- at the very least, you need to redefine the terms you're going to use if they have different universally accepted meanings IRL.

What you really did well, here, is in describing Tavaris' difficulties with his newfound Cerebrance.  Good job! :)

I do think you need to introduce at least the possibility of these internal struggles sooner than chapter four- I know you've hinted at it in chapters three and two, but we really need to see it in chapter one- that is that hook that's making me want to read more.  Not the action, but the idea that people have to live with the fact that their station in life- what they were born into and to whom- is of more importance societally than what they do with their lives.
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lethalfalcon

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Re: Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4
« Reply #7 on: November 11, 2009, 04:18:11 AM »
Kerosene lamps don't need (and generally don't use) a switch. However, most times, in high-traffic areas, what you'll do is turn the wick down really low, which just leaves a little itty-bitty flame on the tip of it, and uses very little kerosene. Then, you come in the room, turn up the wick, and it's bright again. It's a lot easier than having to fumble around in the dark all the time looking for another source of flame or your tinder to relight the stupid thing (I grew up with kerosene lamps and used them quite frequently because ice storms knocked out the power).

If you wanted to go the steampunk route, you could do something with a switch that operated some sort of mechanical striker (like those clicky charcoal lighters do), too.
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Re: Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4
« Reply #8 on: November 11, 2009, 07:13:24 AM »
So. Tav is the emperor, is he? I half suspected he might be. You're setting up a nice redemption story here, and I like where it's going.

I disagree that this needs to come earlier; I like it where it is. The Medora chapters haven't been my favorites, but I feel like they need to have the connection to the prologue that their position gives them.

Aside from the spatial confusion others have noted, your action is pretty mechanically sound. As in, the way it's paced and presented works well. My main complaint (again, aside from not quite knowing where anything is happening) is that the assassin sucks beans at assassination. He wastes far too much time and is distracted far too easily. Why bother to Suggest silence after Tav yells? Why not just rush in for the kill? How are the normal humans able to waylay him so effectively, if he's tapping his Potency? And why, when he has an unhindered shot at Tav, does he stab for the gut, and not the heart?

He also seems terribly misinformed for what he does know. How is it that he knows who Tav is, but not where he sleeps? My assumption is that one of the Cerebrants recognized the emperor's soul in Tav, and sent for the assassin. At least, based on the information we have to hand, that's the only possibility that makes sense.

Quote
This is really heavy stuff.  I mean really.  Punishing people for what they did in their past lives is NOT a way to engender feelings of responsibility- you know, the kind of thing that could make you want to be good?  "Oh, it's not use trying, obviously I'm a horrible person, so I'll just go and be horrible."

I agree that it's kind of a jacked up philosophy, but it's clearly based on the idea of karma. Makes sense—the religions that believe in reincarnation all seem to have some concept of karma that follows you into your subsequent lives. I think the doctrine fits.
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Re: Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4
« Reply #9 on: November 13, 2009, 07:32:28 AM »
I agree that this is best placed where it is - the Medora chapters help set it off from the prologue a bit, and gives a bit of time before reintroducing the emperor to the book.

Overall impression was very good. I haven't done line edits yet, and haven't done my nitpicky read through yet, but I'm tired, so I'll do it tomorrow.
« Last Edit: November 14, 2009, 08:36:35 AM by Andrew the Great »
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Andrew the Great

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Re: Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4
« Reply #10 on: November 14, 2009, 10:44:13 PM »
First line - something about the wording made me think that Tav was complaining. So when he started talking about the massive awesomeness of the rooms, I was more than a little surprised, until I went back and reread it as it was intended.

While we instinctively took to calling the MC Tav, I'm not sure that all readers will. Before you start using it to identify him, you might want to have a couple of other characters call him that (which I think does happen later in this chapter, if I'm remembering right), so it's a bit less sudden. It also makes the narrator seem a bit more informal. Not sure if this is a good or a bad thing, but it is the effect.

When Tav first enters his room, he thinks that he needs to do something to occupy time, and reads from the Tome. Yet the only two sections we hear about are concerning the dangers of greed, and punishments. Why would Tav want to read about these at this point, and why does he think reading from the Tome will help take his mind off of his earlier Introspection? It seems to me that after seeing a horrible past life, I would want to avoid reading about the punishments for sinning, and Tav himself comments that he doesn't want to read about the dangers of greed. So what is there in the Tome that draws his attention there in the first place?

You mention that Tav feels like the staircase feels vaguely familiar, but not because he'd been there earlier. Ummm, what? The only other reason for a staircase to feel vaguely familiar is if you've been somewhere similar, and since Tav's been there earlier, it would feel familiar because he'd been there earlier. This line took me out of the story a bit, mostly because it made me think too much about the logic of the statement.

You could achieve the same effect you're going for (building up for the reveal that Tav is in the Tower of Cerebrants) using only the stuff after, where you mention that it's too rich to be the Denyar wing, that he sees the throne room, which is on the wrong side of the cathedral, etc.

Again, if Tav's been here many times before, it's not vaguely familiar. He would recognize it as familiar, though he might not know why, or where exactly he is. I know this doesn't really make sense the way I'm saying it, but it does in my head, and I can't think of a way to express it, so I'll just hope you get what I'm saying.

This paragraph intrigued me:
Quote
   He exited his suite; Amil should know what he saw from the Introspection. He could probably instantly recall a verse which would deal with this exact issue. It was a shame he was a Cerebrant. His sermons would have inflamed the world.

1) It's possible to read other people's minds, or monitor what their seeing with Cerebrancy? If this is the case, why isn't Tav more worried that he'll be punished in some way for what his past self did, or at least barred from learning more (to prevent him from becoming like his past self). Or did Tav (or someone else) tell Amil, and why? Basically, why does Tav think Amil should know. This confused me a little bit.

2) Cerebrants aren't allowed to preach sermons? Seems kind of random, and a little unnecessary. Unless they can Suggest things to bunches of people at one time. Then it makes sense, though it still seems a little unclear in the passage. That may be a good thing, though. Not really sure if this is going anywhere, (or even if I'm reading it right) but if it isn't, you might want to clarify a bit so it's not just a random line in there. If it is going somewhere, great, leave it and let the reader see it as that point develops later.

Why does Tav react so negatively to finding out that he is strong enough to be a Cerebrant? Everything we've seen of Cerebrants so far indicates that they are respected and feared by others, and generally well thought of. Why is it a bad thing for him to be a Cerebrant instead of a Denyar?

The phrasing of 'bayonet-affixed musket' kind of weirded me out. I'm not sure that that's ok, and even if it is, it kind of threw me for a minute. You might consider re-wording. Plus 'Musket with a bayonet affixed' is more words, which for NaNoWriMo makes it better (though granted, it sounds kind of lame)

I'll also agree with whoever said earlier that Tav approaching the night guard doesn't really work. He has no motivation to approach the night guard. He might casually run into the night guard, or see the night guard and stop to chat.

Why is the night guard standing guard over a bunch of Cerebrants, if he can't use Cerebrancy himself? At least, that's the way I read it. Furthermore, where exactly in the cathedral does the conversation with the night guard take place? In the tower, it makes even less sense, though I'm pretty sure it's not there. But where is it?

I don't know that we need to know that Landon sleeps in Hall D, and Tav used to sleep in Hall G. It kind of distracted me, in all my OCD and/or ADD ness.

Not sure why, but for whatever reason, whenever Tav calls Landon 'Lands,' I think he's cursing. Then I remember he's talking about Landon, but at first it comes across as a curse. Not sure if this is just me being weird again, or if it is a more widespread problem. Either way, I think it's really funny.

If Landon can't sleep, why is he sleepy-eyed?

With the lamp, I like the idea of a mechanical striker. You should mention something of this sort, though, since otherwise it seems inconsistent with the setting.

Again, Landon says, "I'm sorry" when he finds out Tav is a Cerebrant. Why is this bad? Was this mentioned earlier and i just missed it? Or is it driving toward a big reveal later? If so, I definitely do want to know, so it's working.

Landon mentions that Tav's past self must have been at least fifty years ago, then that this is three incarnations of potencers. Couple of things.

1) Why does Landon think that the other two incarnations are potencers? Why couldn't they just be normal Cerebrants?

2) Assuming that the incarnation of himself Tav saw died exactly fifty years ago, which is the latest we can assume, according to Landon, two incarnations means that each lived 25 years. That's a rather short life expectency, especially for a society where people come of age at 20. Also, we know that at least one of Tav's earlier incarnations is Kurick, and he at least seems older than 25. How old is Medora during the prologue? Like 11 or something, right? That puts Kurick a little older, though not necessarily by much. Anyway, point is, you might want to reduce this to two incarnations, or move the war back a few years.

Earlier, Tav curses saying just, "Devos." Is saying "Lord Devos" a stronger curse? It seemed a little weird to acknowledge that he's a "Lord" when cursing using his name. Although, it also makes sense, kind of like cursing by saying "God Almighty" (Which I have heard people do, hence I used it as an example).

Why does the assassin say anything? If he's recognized Tav and Landon (wait.... and landon? Does the assassin want landon too? He does say "You two." Is this a typo, or does Landon have extra significance too? Tav we know why the assassin wants, but Landon we haven't the slightest. By the way, if this is a typo, I'd fix it, because otherwise people wll do what I'm doing now and assume Landon is really important)  then he wouldn't say anything, but rather just charge and try to kill them. If Tav needs to realize he's Khabor, have him do it by distinguishing the man's features, or just realizing that the man could be a Khabor Potencer, since the church doesn't train them.

Tav just cursed using 'God.' Is there a difference between God and Devos, or is this a typo?

Tav mentions that he won't use potency, then remembers back to a lesson about Suggestion defeating Invigoration. Then, he says:

Quote
“Get down,” Tav said. Amil never said anything about a Cerebrant who used both Invigoration and Suggestion, so Tav had no idea whether this would work. Yet, he was determined to make this work. His teachers had said the two times used Suggestion he understood it quite well. That would have to be enough.

So is Tav thinking about how he's going to use potency right here, like two sentences after he said he wouldn't? Or is he wondering about whether he can defeat the assassin, who used both Invigoration and Suggestion? I'm guessing the second, but I read it like the first, so this might need some clarification.

Please don't take offense at this, as I really do respect your writing, but I burst out laughing when I read the phrase 'fireball of death.' It was a pretty awesome mental picture, but I'm not sure it's quite the image you want associated with the assassin. I don't know, I think it's the 'of death' part. Virtually anything else works there, but in my opinion, 'fireball of death' is just a tad corny.

Again, why doesn't the assassin just kill Tav, instead of stabbing his gut?

Finally, the last phrase doesn't really make sense in the context of the last paragraph. Tav mentions how many had died because of the assassin's attempt to kill him, but Tav doesn't actually do anything that results in people dying. On the contrary, he saves them with his Potency. So, the only thing he can be horrified at having done is using Invigoration. This doesn't seem to be what he's flipping out about, based on the previous paragraph.

Ok, now, reading through that critique, it sounds really, really harsh. Don't get me wrong. I loved this chapter.  Overall, it was very well written, kept me very interested, and moved along a lot. It taught us a couple of very important things (ie Tav is the emperor), and had some great action. I don't want you to think that I dislike it, because I honestly am loving this book. But there are things that could be improved.

That, and if you look, a lot of my critique is just phrases that I found weird or annoying, and that don't necessarily affect other people.

Anyway, great work, keep it coming.
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Re: Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4
« Reply #11 on: November 15, 2009, 12:43:35 AM »
Honestly Andrew that's mostly a lot of line-level things, so I didn't think it was that harsh. (Of course having "I loved this chapter" in bold was helped) We're deep in my NaNoWriMo stuff now, so I apologize in advance for a little bit of uneven quality. Eviscerate with extreme prejudice!

I will answer a few things though.

Quote
2) Cerebrants aren't allowed to preach sermons? Seems kind of random, and a little unnecessary. Unless they can Suggest things to bunches of people at one time. Then it makes sense, though it still seems a little unclear in the passage. That may be a good thing, though. Not really sure if this is going anywhere, (or even if I'm reading it right) but if it isn't, you might want to clarify a bit so it's not just a random line in there. If it is going somewhere, great, leave it and let the reader see it as that point develops later.

It's more like they tend to be really busy.

Quote
Landon mentions that Tav's past self must have been at least fifty years ago, then that this is three incarnations of potencers. Couple of things.

1) Why does Landon think that the other two incarnations are potencers? Why couldn't they just be normal Cerebrants?

2) Assuming that the incarnation of himself Tav saw died exactly fifty years ago, which is the latest we can assume, according to Landon, two incarnations means that each lived 25 years. That's a rather short life expectency, especially for a society where people come of age at 20. Also, we know that at least one of Tav's earlier incarnations is Kurick, and he at least seems older than 25. How old is Medora during the prologue? Like 11 or something, right? That puts Kurick a little older, though not necessarily by much. Anyway, point is, you might want to reduce this to two incarnations, or move the war back a few years.

1) RAFO. It has to deal with the interaction between the aspects of the soul.

2) Fifty years ago was when the war ended, as that was the year of Kurick's ascension. There was quite a long period of warfare before that, on-and-off, but the Civil War was most brutal.

Okay, I should probably clarify a lot of that in-world.


Quote
Finally, the last phrase doesn't really make sense in the context of the last paragraph. Tav mentions how many had died because of the assassin's attempt to kill him, but Tav doesn't actually do anything that results in people dying. On the contrary, he saves them with his Potency. So, the only thing he can be horrified at having done is using Invigoration. This doesn't seem to be what he's flipping out about, based on the previous paragraph.

He believes if he wasn't here, this death wouldn't have happened at all.

Quote
Why does Tav react so negatively to finding out that he is strong enough to be a Cerebrant? Everything we've seen of Cerebrants so far indicates that they are respected and feared by others, and generally well thought of. Why is it a bad thing for him to be a Cerebrant instead of a Denyar?

It's more who this previous incarnation/Potencer was scares him. See also the previous RAFO comment :)

I really thank you all for reading. It astounds me that you like it at all, and it makes me happy. Sorry for the uneven first draft quality. It's only going to get worse this weekend, as I must write 14,000 words to get up to speed. Chances for inconsistencies: extremely high. So please, eviscerate with extreme prejudice.

(That's a pretty cool sig right there)
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Andrew the Great

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Re: Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4
« Reply #12 on: November 15, 2009, 12:54:42 AM »
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It's more like they tend to be really busy.

Makes sense.

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RAFO

You've wanted to say that all your life, haven't you?

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Why does Tav react so negatively to finding out that he is strong enough to be a Cerebrant? Everything we've seen of Cerebrants so far indicates that they are respected and feared by others, and generally well thought of. Why is it a bad thing for him to be a Cerebrant instead of a Denyar?

It's more who this previous incarnation/Potencer was scares him. See also the previous RAFO comment :)

So then, why does Landon say, "I'm sorry," when he finds out that Tav is a Cerebrant? I'm still a little confuzzled on this one. Though, granted, that's not necessarily a bad thing.

You're right, it is mostly line level editing, now that I look at it. It just seemed like a lot of things to say, so I didn't want it to come across as being too harsh. While I like giving useful comments, I don't like people thinking I hate their work just because I have a lot of comments.
« Last Edit: November 15, 2009, 01:12:28 AM by Andrew the Great »
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Chaos

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Re: Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4
« Reply #13 on: November 15, 2009, 01:46:37 AM »
Quote
RAFO

You've wanted to say that all your life, haven't you?

Quote
Why does Tav react so negatively to finding out that he is strong enough to be a Cerebrant? Everything we've seen of Cerebrants so far indicates that they are respected and feared by others, and generally well thought of. Why is it a bad thing for him to be a Cerebrant instead of a Denyar?

It's more who this previous incarnation/Potencer was scares him. See also the previous RAFO comment :)

So then, why does Landon say, "I'm sorry," when he finds out that Tav is a Cerebrant? I'm still a little confuzzled on this one. Though, granted, that's not necessarily a bad thing.

You're right, it is mostly line level editing, now that I look at it. It just seemed like a lot of things to say, so I didn't want it to come across as being too harsh. While I like giving useful comments, I don't like people thinking I hate their work just because I have a lot of comments.

Oh, now I get what you're saying there. Landon said I'm sorry because immediately before, he was upset for being unable to succeed at the Introspection, and Tav got it so much more quickly than him. The fact that Tav is a Cerebrant makes it far easier for Tav to use Introspection. Therefore, Landon is apologizing for his slight outburst there. This is me just not being clear enough in the writing.

RAFOing is really fun, by the way. :)

Also, RAFO on this whole "war" thing.
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Frog

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Re: Nov. 9th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 4
« Reply #14 on: November 15, 2009, 05:26:50 AM »
K, done.

Lots of stuff to go through, but most of it has already been mentioned and/or will come out in my line edits. Medora's chapters had a tendency to go long and there really isn't much to the first one until the very end. They are probably necessary and good enough where you placed them, but I would I'd try to break them up or condense them. Characters were fine, and I like what seems to be your story premise and its basis in the magic system, though a lot those explanations went over my head (don't feel too bad, I'm not really all that big into learning all the specifics of complicated new magic systems...). One thing you should watch is your tendency to overdo the internal thought. It just weighs the story down if you do it too much.   
Anyway, I'll send the rest out to you.

Good work. :)
« Last Edit: November 15, 2009, 06:32:40 AM by Frog »
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