42's Therapy Thread

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

well, let's reconcile both sides here.
No one's claiming that everyone is giving 110% all the time. But ideally you are able to give strength when the other needs it.
But it doesn't always work that way. finding a "perfect match" is nearly impossible, and often you'll both be down at the same time (it's different with friends when you have a pool of them, at least one can be having a good day at any given time) and probably one will be doing more supporting than the other.

Interestingly, Pres. Faust spoke about my original point in World Leadership Meeting this afternoon. He said marriage requires maturity and responsibility. This BEFORE you get married. He also pretty boldly said that marriage isn't for the husband or wife in the way 42 implies his therapists have said. They aren't to make you better or anything like that. They're for raising a family.

[stacer]

Will they put that up somewhere on LDS.org or something? I'd be interested in reading it. And Saint, thanks for that--that's a good way to put it. Point well taken about friends.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

I would assume so. They're going to be distributing the text to the leaders. Unfortunately, I didn't write the exact quote down, although I did take notes.

One quote worth passing on (and this one is word for word): "Don't magnify the work to be done. Simplify it." - Elder Scott.

You know that one was cool because my mom and I started writing at the exact same time.

[42]

That is a good quote.

Here's something interesting that kind of relates:
http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/West/01/10/life.stress.reut/index.html

[Mad Dr Jeffe]

whats funny is that that should be a no brainer.
Its not like when you get married suddenly a little switch clicks on and all your problems go away, quite the contrary they get bigger. Some relationships work when one spouse leans on the other for all their emotional support...at least  for a while untill after the 8000th time of dealing the same problems and not getting any support from the emotionally crippled side of the relationship. Then they freak and fight and possibly end up resenting the other person. Of couse they could just push that aside and store it deep down.. but (and im being very sarcastic) I dont know anyone who would do that...

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Well, you'd think it would be a no brainer, but there is a large aspect of our society that thinks there are solutions to emotional problems, and those solutions involve relationships. This is in our subconscious, and it's not silly or stupid to think it. I wouldn't call it a "no brainer" because of this.

Unless you're a therapist and it's your job to know better.

But let's complicate the issue. We've been talking about how there are new and bigger problems that come with marriage. But married people (statistically) tend to live longer and be more healthy. I believe studies show that married people on the whole suffer less from distress. So there IS soemthing that makes life easier if you're firmly committed to a marriage. Probably it has something to do with knowing there IS someone who care and values you and having something reliable in your life. Knowing that you're not alone and so forth.
Just dont' look at it as a quick fix to anything.

edit: just want to add to my thoughts on that last one. i'm not ruling out that it's the marriage relationship itself that causes the reduced stress and better health, but you also shouldn't say that the type of person capable and willing of entering into a committed marriage is what causes the benefits. I think that there's a combination of the two. Being that type of person and also being in the dependable relationship.

[Mad Dr Jeffe]

Id like to know just what type of therapist told 42 that cause none of mine have ever advocated complicating my life just to make it better....
remember wider is better...
Seriously though my therepist told me to wait and really think about getting married.

So I did.

But I can see why a married person might live longer... its a persons way to get revenge agianst the one they love... Its a race The one who lives longest wins!

[42]

See, in Utah there is a cultural attitude among the women here that marriage is the solution to many of lifes problems. Course, many women in Utah will deny that if you ask them, but their actions speak louder. And it has been the women therapist that think I need to get married. Utahns are also marriage happy as a whole. For example, a standard joke is that those attending BYU in Provo receive a tuition refund if they graduate unmarried.

There is also kind of an attitude that people who can't get married before 25 are somehow defective. There is some sympathy for women who can't get married, but very little for men.

So as I've been looking through some of my therapy notes I found a quote from one of my therapist that I'm still trying to figure out.

We are not our behavior.

It's short, but confusing. I think my therapist was implying that people are made of many factors besides just behavior or performance. Any other ideas?

[fuzzyoctopus]

There is also kind of an attitude that people who can't get married before 25 are somehow defective. There is some sympathy for women who can't get married, but very little for men.

Yes, so very true.  Although women being women, there is a lot of surface sympathy for single women over 25, there is also the smugness and hidden spite that women are so good at.  "I'm married and you're not, so I must be better than you."

To men: "You're not married? You're not trying.  If you were doing things right you'd be married.  

To women: "You're not married? Oh dear, there must be something wrong with you that make men not want you. What about that nice fellow you were dating 6 months ago?  What? He was an alcoholic?  Well you should have snatched him up and changed his ways.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

see, I don't think that behavior is a Utah behavior. I think it's embedded in western culture. 'course, Utah magnifies it....


anyway, let's talk about not being our behavior. I think you have desires and impulses. sometimes physical conditions influence your behavior. You do things you hadn't necessarily planned on or wanted to do. What that statement means is that when these times occurs, and you do something you don't like, it doesn't mean that the behavior defines you.

[Entsuropi]

Boy, the more you guys talk about Utah, the more intrigueing it sounds. No wonder Fallout 3 was going to be set there

[EUOL]

Heh.  It's an amusing place.  Imagine a world where everyone generally comes from a fundamentalist Christian background, and who are all trying to prove that they can be as mainstream and normal as the rest of the world while holding fast to their traditional values.  

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

plus, (and apparently this was a big deal in my MTC district), they count the number of antler points on deer differently than the Eastern US.

[Entsuropi]

Sounds like the sort of place a horror movie gets set.

[fuzzyoctopus]

Well, yes.