Oct. 5 - Bravesamwise - The Cellist (Writing Prompt)

[Bravesamwise84]

All right, tear me apart! (And also, let me know what I did well, if anything. hehe)

[RavenstarRHJF]

It's a good start toward your goal of becoming more emotional.  In terms of that goal, I think your best passage was the section in the hospital when he makes Phoebe turn around. 

The rest... you used a lot of action words, rather than feeling words.  You were trying to "show" emotion by describing expressions and actions, and to some extent it worked- but it felt stilted and a little unnatural; not unlike Howell himself.   In that way, it's something you could maybe use- refining your word-smithing as Howell discovers little by little how to express himself.  Thesauruses come in handy here.

I would suggest conferring with a musician when you make your next draft.  There are a lot of phrases that musicians use quite frequently to describe their music; not necessarily technical terms, but things like "rise and fall," "melodic," and "lyrical" to describe phrasings and lines.  I'm a musician myself, so I noticed their absence.  They are very much "feeling" words and would help get your point across.  Obviously Howell is out of touch with expressing his emotions- again, something that seems odd considering how long he's been doing music, but I've run across people myself who are very technically proficient, but are... lacking.  Still, he should know the phrases, even if he doesn't grasp their actual meaning. ... Also, instrumental works are called "pieces" not "songs."

As for dialogue- you didn't give us much of it, did you?  You tend to describe what was said or unsaid.  For example:

Sorenson made another impatient remark. [/i]
Why not just tell us what he said?

Good start.  Keep going!

[Bravesamwise84]

Thanks for your suggestions, they make a lot of sense. Could I get more of an example of how I could begin practicing "Feeling Words"?

Side note; I've been a violinist for 20 years... I probably held back on music terms for the benefit of non-musical readers, and not out of the lack of my own experience.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Feeling words... again, this is where a thesaurus comes in handy.   Ask yourself some questions: how does the cello feel in Howell's grip?  Is it comfortable?  Does it feel like an extension of himself- a conduit?  Is it awkward and rigid?  Are his fingers clumsy?  Does the bow come to life in his hands, or is it just a stick of wood and horse-hair?  How does the music he makes sound to him?  Does he have difficulty with some of the passages?  Does have favorite parts?  How does he play them?  Does his mind wander as he plays, or is he focused on the page in front of him (if he's reading from sheet music)?

Take your answers and plug them into your story.  Then contrast them with his interactions with everything else.

Side note; I've been a violinist for 20 years... I probably held back on music terms for the benefit of non-musical readers, and not out of the lack of my own experience.

Wow... I never would have guessed.  And that's not a good thing- especially since this piece is about a musician.  Let your background work for you!  If you're worried about readability, then just make sure the meaning can be picked up from context.

Honestly... it's like being a mechanic and throwing out half the tools in your toolbox before going to work.
Sorry for the brief rant-iness... it just doesn't make sense to me.

[Recovering_Cynic]

I'm with Raven; write the story as technical as you can.  Then non-musicians (i.e. me) will tell you what they did not get, and you can fix from there.  Better to be more authentic and a little technical than to appear unknowledgeable. 

As to my feedback, you do use emotion very well in the hospital scene.  Kudos for that.  I also liked your characterization.  They were real people and I could see them.

As to parts taking me out of the story, there were a few.  When the MC gets in the car, you give us phoebe's thoughts making it appear that we were switching to her pov.  Also, there were various grammar errors that took me out, but I won't nit-pick.  Most of it was sentence level stuff that made it difficult to tell who was talking or what they were referring to.  It made the story lack transparency, but it's all easily fixable in post.

As to your writing, there were many time when you would show us something, then tell us the same thing.  Leave the showing, cut out the telling.  For example, when Mr. Sorensen says Joie de vive [sp] and the MC responds "What?", you tell us right after that that he doesn't speak french.  I see two problems with this: (1) we already get that he doesn't speak french or he wouldn't be confused, and (2) why does someone who's been playing music for so long not know those simple french words?  Number (2) is nit-picky, so ignore it if you like.

As to plot, I liked it, but I think there needed to be more emphasis on the magical aspect of it.  There at the end in the hospital, the scene could have been something from the reader's digest--nothing paranormal or magical about it except for you saying he had discovered magic.  There needs to be some indicator that what happened was more than just his mind wandering.

And now, I will shut up.  I liked the piece.  It needs some polishing, but it was well done.

[Bravesamwise84]

More questions. =)

Raven

OK, I'm still confused and I think you may have misunderstood my question; It's not that I don't know what feeling words are, and I know how to use a thesaurus. My question dealt more with application. So I'll start with how I know I'm doing it, and see if you can build on that for me.

"Howell stamped in frustration"

That's just about the extend of my knowledge in conveying emotion - like you said, doing it through actions. I can see that I need work in this area but I'm a bit lost on where to start. Can you build on the example sentence I just gave, in order to show me what you meant by your suggestion?

Recovering Cynic

Oooh good point. I know I repeat myself all the time.  Good point! (hehe couldn't resist.) I know that when I read I definitely prefer show to tell, but I have a horrible habit of doing both in my own writing. Thanks!

OK I know I had some clumsy passages in there so now I know that the car part is one of them. I feel a bit clumsy about the first page too but I can't quite place it - please, let me know if you find any specific passages so I can consider how to re-write them. =) I think normally the small grammar stuff would not be my priority but in this case it's just a small writing prompts and I don't imagine any major revisions.

The Music Thing

I'm getting a bit sensitive on the music thing, mainly because it feels like I braced for impact on my writing creativity and now I feel like I'm getting the impact in two places - my writing, and my music. I don't want my own sensitivity to prevent me from learning all I can from your suggestions however, so for my own benefit, can we consider that subject sufficiently covered?

[Recovering_Cynic]

Sam,

It's okay!  On the music thing, all we were saying is that your reader loves an expert on something.  We like learning.  It's why people watch shows like mythbusters and whatnot.  If you've got the knowledge, flaunt it.  We'll love you for it.  We aren't criticizing your writing, promise.

As to the awkward passages, you really need to look hard at your opening paragraph.  I don't have your piece in front of me, but as I recall it had some problems toward the end.  Also, there's a line where the MC compliments they guy who got first chair.  This is in a conversation with phoebe.  The way it is written now, this compliment appears to come from phoebe, but then she responds to it, so it has to come from the MC.  Those are all I recall off the top of my head.  No biggies, you just need to do a grammatical edit so that your prose becomes more transparent.

[Frog]

Welcome to the lions den, Sam. We want to support you and all your wonderful work, but content and techinical aspects are just as important as style and will make a difference to those reading. If you write about music, people are going to comment about music. I am sensitive to you because the first time is always a bit hard, but it wouldn't be helpful if we didn't tell you our honest impressions. Just remember that it is still your work and in the end only you can say what you want for your piece and what impressions you can use. None of us are really experts here, but we all try our best to learn together. At least that is my feeling on it.
 
Thoughts While Reading:

Some of us are good at reading people;

I don't like being addressed in second person. At least not the very start of a piece. Play with your beginning a bit, might even consdier throwing out the first paragraph.

young wife

Really? I thought he was a kid based on his little temper tantrum. Oh well, not that big of deal.

“No. David got it.”

Already told us this and to me, it brings out more of a case just to drop the first paragraph.

Howell was victim of the near-sightedness that blinded all males of the species;

Way too telly. I don't care about the rest of the male species. Just show me Howell.

“What?” asked Howell, who didn't know French.

Howell began to discover, subconsciously, that true love is doing, not feeling.

Kill this. I like stories with morals, but if you ever point blank tell us what the moral is, you sound preachy. Let me feel and discover the moral for myself.

Overall impression:
I wouldn't call any of this magic or fantasy, but it was still a great piece. I had some problem with the showing vs telling especially when it got repeatitive, but that's an easy thing to fix once you are aware. As far as the techincal aspect of music, the only problem I had was consistancy. Some times you used the terms and sometimes you didn't, which made it a bit awkward. I think consistancy in that area is more important than the word themselves. Then with showing more emotion, I'll use your example and let you see if you can take it and apply it elsewhere.
"Howell stamped in frustration"
Okay, if the situation is fustrating, you should never have to tell us this. Build the scene and show his reactions. You can even tell us his specific thoughts, but if you want your audiance to feel it, never name the emotion. Do everything but. Final thought I had was that your scenes were short and a bit chopy. I think you could probably combine a few of your plot points and take out a few othe breaks so the story flows better.
I thought your story had an interesting premise and I enjoyed reading it. Clean it up and I am sure you can find a place to put it.
Great Work.

[Bravesamwise84]

Thanks!

I think I'll print it up and go over it with a fine-tooth comb. I seem to edit better on paper. The showing and telling is a biggie for me, and I appreciate you guys pointing them out so I can be more aware.

I know personally I'm a big fan of Charles Dickens, who often referred to the reader in second person. Personally I think I like it because I felt like he was there, by a fire, reading me the story out loud - however, today's books are selling invisible prose. That is another weakness of mine and something I can't seem to help doing from time to time... but I'll rewrite those, it's something I need to practice.

The last thing is your comment about consistency. I agree but I feel stuck there... I guess I'm feeling pressure to keep the story a quick and easy read, so I was trying to keep everything short and to the point, yet still saying everything that was important for the story and building up to the ending. Any tips or ideas on how or where would be best to fill in more terms in order to be more consistent?

Last question. One of my friends told me, "I knew what was going to happen to Phoebe before it happened". That got me thinking - is that a bad thing? I wasn't exactly trying to pull a Shyamalan on everyone, I was just trying to tell a story, and build up to the ending properly. It wasn't supposed to be this crazy twist that made your brains spatter the walls, just a bit of conflict. Any thoughts on this?

[Frog]

Consistancy...well one example I can think of off the top of my head was the one Raven used when she mentioned you called his music a 'song' instead of a 'piece,' but I remember you using both words within the same passage. I don't care which word you use personally, but if you want to use laymen's terms use laymen's terms, or if you want to bring out the techincal and musical aspects, use them all the time.

I didn't think of her accident as a problem. You're right in saying that it didn't shock me, but she needs to have some vital role in all this so you are fulfilling reader expectations. Pieces like this aren't really about the action anyway, more about the character/themes you chose to explore.  

[Recovering_Cynic]

I didn't see the accident coming.  I expected something (and something involving Phoebe), so it wasn' t a complete surprise, but I didn't suspect a car accident.  It fit well, however.

[RavenstarRHJF]

I did see the accident coming, but it wasn't until we knew she wasn't the best at driving a stick.  Then I thought, "Ok, she's not great at manual, it's raining, and it's dark (or at least twilight).  ... She's going to be in a wreck."  Which is fine, because I already cared about her and didn't want her to be hurt.  Sometimes anticipation (negative or positive) is worth as much or more than complete surprise.  So it still works!  Don't worry about it!

By the way, I sent you a PM Sam, did you get it?  Just checking...

[Silk]

The repeated references to Phoebe knowing sign language and therefore being good at reading people didn't really work for me. It was okay the first time, by the second time it came up it just seemed silly.

In the second scene, I'm not sure whose point-of-view it's supposed to be from; at first I assumed Howell, then a couple paragraphs down it seemed you had switched to Phoebe. If that's the case, I think you need to signal the switch a little bit sooner. But I'm not sure it is the case, because a few lines later you seem to be back in Howell's head again.

One of the things you're doing a lot, I find, is telling us the emotions rather than showing us; you describe to us in a sentence how irritated he's feeling, rather than just letting him show through his actions. Even his irritated sighs and things like that felt a bit like showmanship, in that it seemed a little, "well, how do I get across that this guy is irritated? I know, I'll have him sigh." I think you've got the right idea in trying to get things across this way, and that you can just pick your examples a little more carefully. Howell comes into the house, and instead of stopping and sighing, he closes the door a little harder than he'd meant to. That sort of thing. And yes, as Cynic pointed out, you've got a fair bit of the showing in there already. Sometimes you're just repeating yourself.

Hey, you've been playing the violin for even longer than I've been playing guitar! (17 years, for me. I'd like to learn to play the violin one day.)

Regarding the paranormal aspect: I didn't actually think there was a paranormal aspect to it at all. I assumed that the magic was just a metaphor, and that the hospital scene (which, I agree, was one of the strongest in the piece) was just an expression of emotions rather than some sort of magical event. I don't think it needs to be paranormal, either; it's complete the way it is.