Aug. 17 Heroes of the Necowar ch.1

[westwriter]

This is the place to lambast and ridicule...

[Frog]

Yay! Another YA! I'm so happy!

Thoughts While Reading:
You can tighten up a lot of these descriptions and this is just sloppy:

He felt exposed because his magically enhanced vision turned what wasAs

So, yeah just look over the paragraph a few more times...

and made the only decision a greedy kid could make. 

Pet peeve of mine. Some things you have to tell, but personality types are easy enough to show, so don't use the cop out. Show him being greedy and let his actions speak for themselves.

Apparently

Useless word, along with most -ly phrases you are going to want to stick in there.

"What's your name?!"

Is that really the MOST important thing right now for him to be asking? I'd just cut that one and skip to the next question which seems more important.

Careful with the made up language. Easy thing to overdo and do poorly. And there are other ways to get across that he is speaking gibberish.

Overall impression:
Needs some cleaning up and tightening, but you probably already know that. I have some concern that you may be trying too hard to hook us with the action without giving us enough of a base (character, background, world stuff). Remember to show more than you tell. Other then that, I thought that your screechers were cool, and I'm interested in seeing more. Great first submit, and just keep going!

[westwriter]

Awesome comments!  Thanks!  I struggled with the language thing, but decided to try it because it goes away in the next chapter.  I'll revise without the actual language and see how much that helps.

[Recovering_Cynic]

I second Frog's comments, but I have a few other things to add.

First off, if I were running like mad from creatures that will destroy my soul, I would not stop to chat with anyone I happened to run into, even if it were the pope himself.  Instead of having them chat because they ran into each other, it would be more beleivable if they were cornered, say Will ran into a dead end or something and found the boy hiding there.

Second, I really hope you aren't going to have will dragging a fighting person underwater to safety... Sure lifeguards can do this, but 1) they have to stay above water, 2) they have training, and 3) the person drowning is weakened and while they are struggling, they generally aren't trying to knock your block off. --edit: On re-read, you mention that there will be a "final plunge".  Is this going to be a waterfall?  In that case, you might mention that it is swiftly moving water, something to indicate how this boy is going to be moving along with Will.

Third, what kind of cavern is this?  I've been in several kinds, some with slick walls, others with cracks and fisures.  Most of the caves I've spelunked (cool word, neh?) were darn near impossible to climb up the walls.  Following the main path was easy, but to get to the ceiling, you would eventually dangle and not be able to use your legs, so there had better be really good hand holds (the fact that he dropped into a "loose circle" of screachers would indicate that he was at the apex of the passage).  You also say he was "holding himself up by his knees".  What does that mean?  Anyway, my point is, sure he could reach the top, but a description of how he did so would be nice; otherwise, it's hard to swallow (for me at least).

Other questions: 

Why was he "trying to think of a good line to shout back at the screechers"?  Aren't they dumb monsters?  Or is this telling us something about Will's character? 

Why does Will continue trying to talk to someone who obviously doesn't understand a word he is saying.  You might include some semi-sign language here (except it's dark, so... I don't know what to suggest).


Anyway, those were my thoughts, and I'm not sure they helped too much.
 

[Silk]

"...his magically enhanced vision turned what was." The sentence ends here. What was what?

I know you're not that concerned with grammar right now, but watch for your its and it's. I've noticed a couple of "it's" that should be "its" and I'm only on the first page. Mentioning it mostly because your spellchecker won't catch this one.

The mushroom thing had me interested at first, But it threw me off when you first mentioned the "creature" (easily enough fixed. I just didn't understand that the "creature" was the glow).

Also, I don't really understand what Will's doing, if it's important, how important it is, why it's important, etc. (I don't need to know everything, those are some details that you conceivably could fill in.) So when he kicks the stone and the glow creature gets all angry at him, I don't really feel a whole lot of tension.

I find it surprising that the spirit didn't know he was there from the moment he blew on the mushroom, too. But maybe that's going to be explained later?

At first I thought the spirit was the glow that came out of the mushroom. Is that so? Or do the mushrooms just glow, and the spirits are hanging out elsewhere?

"He dropped his arm in disappointment..." Heh. I like this. Being disappointed by what happened even though he was frightened and even though the alternatives probably would have been unpleasant. Very believable young man.

Since the touch of the screechers is supposed to be so very bad for you, I'd like to see Will even a little bit more afraid when  the claw thingamjig touches his arm. If not right when it happens, then maybe when he tells the boy that his arm is broken, after it's had some time to sink in.

"When he finally stepped into the water..." According to this sentence Will is already in the water when he pushes the boy in and then jumps in after him.

Having finished the chapter, the biggest criticism I have is a reiteration of my earlier statement: I don't see anything wrong with this as a starting point, I just think we need to know SOMETHING about why Will is there in the first place. I get that the mushrooms are expensive, but that's not quite enough. I don't have to know everything, but at the very least I want to have some basic idea of how important these mushrooms are to him.

Other than that... I think you could use some variation in your sentence structure and a good tightening up, but those are things to worry about on a later draft of course. Good work so far.

Frog comments, "Is [the boy's name] really the most important thing for Will to be asking right now?"  Frankly, I don't think it matters. As far as I'm concerned it's a believable reaction, which is what counts--however much it might make us roll our eyes. I mean, WE'RE not the ones being chased through caves by murderous spirits.

I second all Recovering Cynic's points.

Sorry I didn't have much to say. It's always hard to comment when the story has just begun.

[westwriter]

Wow.  Can't argue with anybody's points.  It's all easy for me because I see the whole story, but fresh eyes see the holes.  Thanks for all the comments.

[ErikHolmes]

Good start to a story I thought.

Starting off with a kid picking glowing mushrooms in a ghost filled cave is original if nothing else. 

About the only problem I had with the story was him stopping to talk while he was running for his life. I'd have him see the screechers back away from them. Or just mention that when he was running he managed to get way ahead of them. "I ran fast and their screams got fainter as I put distance between me and them" just anything like that.

The kid healing his arm was kind of abrupt and was then just ignored. It might be better for the next chapter.