Author Topic: July 27th - The Sword of Worlds - Chapter 13 - Ellie  (Read 1068 times)

ErikHolmes

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July 27th - The Sword of Worlds - Chapter 13 - Ellie
« on: July 27, 2009, 06:53:49 AM »
Another Ellie chapter.

I think I've decided that I really haven't been writing them in the order that I am going publish them in. I get in a mood to write Ellie, and I write a few chapters for Ellie, then I get in a mood to write from Kail's POV.

This chapter is also sort of short, about 1700 words. I debated on if I should keep going with it, but what happens next to Ellie could get lengthy so I decided to cut it off here. Let me know if you think this was a good stopping point.

As always, thanks for the help!
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Chaos

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Re: July 27th - The Sword of Worlds - Chapter 13 - Ellie
« Reply #1 on: July 27, 2009, 11:05:56 PM »
Well, Ellie got even more likable in this chapter. I still don't know if we are as "close" to her as we could be--I don't feel an emotional impact when she's crying, for example--but they were very fun to read. Like this line:

Quote
Then I got an idea. “Bloodbath, can you smell the blood on my clothes?”

“Everyone can smell the blood on your clothes,” he told me.

That was awesome. It's also very refreshing that the wolves weren't after the Sword. And prophecies, interesting! Prophecies are fun.

On a purely sentence level thing, your comma use is really bad :D. No offense. There are places where they should be there, which aren't, (one example i found: "You have much to tell I think, Little Sister.", I'd put a comma before "I think", too, to offset them) and other places where they really make the sentences feel weird.

And good! The wolves are going to search for Kail. Why do I have the feeling that not only will Kail be utterly surprised from wolves helping/protecting Ellie, but that the wolves absolutely hate Kajsa? :P

So, in review, the biggest problem in my opinion is the lack of emotional impact. I could probably roll with it, and just rationalize that this is supposed to be a "cool, fun book" rather than an emotional one. Still, it could be better...

Also, you're right, this does feel like the beginning. I'm waiting for the main plot now :)

...Okay, I recant my previous statement--yes I'm waffling. At the start of the chapter, Ellie was likable. Discovering magic powers, cool. But somewhere she got a bit annoying, until we got to the line "He’s—he’s part of my pack." That was a great line, but Ellie felt a tad more annoying than I'd like. Maybe it's because I wasn't feeling that emotional impact, however, so it just felt overblown.
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RavenstarRHJF

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Re: July 27th - The Sword of Worlds - Chapter 13 - Ellie
« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2009, 11:37:02 PM »
I'm gonna agree with Chaos.  Ellie was not nearly as annoying in this installment than... any of the others, really.  Which is weird... I went back and read the others just to make sure, and yep, still as annoying as ever in them.  I think it's the fact that she tends to ramble on and on and on...  But definitely more likeable in this one, so good job!  But I, too, felt nothing when she started to cry.  Up to that point, I was connecting pretty well, but I just don't feel sad for her. 

On the other hand, she did a very good job experimenting with the magic items, though I've got to wonder what she's gonna do when she HAS to take that particular ring off.  Hopefully you've built in some way for her to build back up her energy reserves so she doesn't collapse after taking it off.

And it's nice to know the function of that particular necklace. 8)

P.S. I didn't notice anything particular about your use of commas.
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Chaos

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Re: July 27th - The Sword of Worlds - Chapter 13 - Ellie
« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2009, 11:41:40 PM »
Oh! I forgot to say my witty remark about that ring: Hmmm, so now Ellie is pewter-dragging, eh? ;)
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Silk

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Re: July 27th - The Sword of Worlds - Chapter 13 - Ellie
« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2009, 12:46:41 AM »
It's okay, Raven, I already sent him a copy of his manuscript with big red marks all over it. I killed his use of commas. With extreme prejudice.

Err... in the kindest way possible, of course.

The end of this chapter works just fine as a stopping point. Don't worry too much about chapter length.

I didn't really have much to say about this chapter, actually. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I agree with Raven and Chaos--I think we could be closer to Ellie than we are. (Of course, I think I've said that about most of your chapters, and not just the ones with Ellie.) Other than that... Okay, good, now onwards and upwards.

Sorry this is kinda skimpy.

Frog

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Re: July 27th - The Sword of Worlds - Chapter 13 - Ellie
« Reply #5 on: August 06, 2009, 05:09:37 AM »
On this own, this is a great chapter. You get some great character from Ellie and some real emotion free from puns. I am interested in the wolves and everything about this small piece of your world. There is very little I would change. I still have nagging problems with her taking so long to remember Kail and ask for help for him after leaving him for that express purpose (really, I have a problem with the fact that she left him at all, but then I'm a nurse and rule one is you NEVER leave a patient in crisis, but I could forgive her that if she actually did what she set out to do: find help for Kail ASAP). And I'm still having trouble with the pure convenience of her magical objects, that she took without any real motivation, but I had a hard time finding anything to nit pick here and you can take that as a real compliment. :D
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