Author Topic: July 20 - Blade of the Fallen chapter 15  (Read 1502 times)

swaindaddy

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July 20 - Blade of the Fallen chapter 15
« on: July 20, 2009, 10:02:02 PM »
Ignore grammar, yadyada
"People are stupid; given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything."

Wizard's First Rule —Chapter 36, p.397, U.S. hardcover edition

ErikHolmes

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Re: July 20 - Blade of the Fallen chapter 15
« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2009, 10:08:25 PM »
I don't think I ever get your submission man. I never got this one. Update that list!
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swaindaddy

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Re: July 20 - Blade of the Fallen chapter 15
« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2009, 11:08:19 PM »
Have you got all the chapters before this?
"People are stupid; given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything."

Wizard's First Rule —Chapter 36, p.397, U.S. hardcover edition

Chaos

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Re: July 20 - Blade of the Fallen chapter 15
« Reply #3 on: July 21, 2009, 11:11:28 PM »
I forwarded the submission to you Erik, just in case swaindaddy didn't already.
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RavenstarRHJF

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Re: July 20 - Blade of the Fallen chapter 15
« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2009, 02:36:55 AM »
Good job on this installment!  Too short for my tastes, but good stuff here.  There's some phrasing issues, but you can sort that out later.

It's nice to see Garrik finally taking the initiative instead of meekly following along!  Oh, I admit he hasn't really had much opportunity to do so on the trip to Three Castle, but still.  ::)

When they get to the passageway it's not clear if it runs parallel to the dining hall or radiates out from it-  which makes the placement of doors a bit problematic... you talk about a guarded door "at the far end of the passage," but then you also refer to a door "directly across the passage."  Not a huge deal, just a bit confusing, and since I don't have issues with your plot in this submission, I've got to find SOMETHING to criticize!  Jk.  ;)  Also... a sleeping Talonguard?  Really?  I thought they were supposed to be the elite.  Falling asleep at your post isn't something I'd expect from them.  Still, everyone's human, I guess...

I really like the way you're developing the use of the oclet- very useful thing indeed.

You've been working on your dialogue!  Yay!  The conversation between Laecin and Vardis is very believable, and very informative!  Although, I must say, it would be very natural for Garrik to feel some fear of his own after what he's overheard, so it might be better for him to take a moment before he realizes that some of the fear is not his own, and is coming from the dog instead.





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Silk

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Re: July 20 - Blade of the Fallen chapter 15
« Reply #5 on: July 22, 2009, 09:04:10 AM »
Dren says, "I don’t think it is as hard as I have been making it. The oclet does all the work; I just need to remain focused." I'd ditch the clause about remaining focused. We get the picture, and it sounds kind of stilted.

It seems kind of strange to me that the king would know anything about Garrick. I'm going to wave that away for the moment, as some aspect of the Plot that we don't yet know, but I did notice it.

"Ignore their words." Another line of dialogue that doesn't sound right. Also on the subject of awkward dialogue, the way Vardis and the King are stepping around each other ("I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about!") when, so far as they know, there's nobody listening and no need to beat around the bush. The rest of their conversation certainly indicates that they're not afraid to be forward with each other.

Other than that, I don't have much to say, except to second basically everything Ravenstar said.  Hard to have any issues with the plot or any such thing here. Moving right along. Good stuff.

swaindaddy

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Re: July 20 - Blade of the Fallen chapter 15
« Reply #6 on: July 22, 2009, 01:57:29 PM »
Once again - valuable input! Thanks guys/gals!
"People are stupid; given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything."

Wizard's First Rule —Chapter 36, p.397, U.S. hardcover edition