Author Topic: June 15 2009 - ErikHolmes - The Sword of Worlds - Chapter 10  (Read 1306 times)

Chaos

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Creating the topic so people can post comments.
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swaindaddy

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Re: June 15 2009 - ErikHolmes - The Sword of Worlds - Chapter 10
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2009, 08:15:53 PM »
I really liked it. It definately shifts in style from the Kail chapters but that fits the idea of a different POV. It was great - saw a couple grammar issues but as far as story - good chapter.

I bet you could double the length by going into more detail as she travels to the tree in terms of surrounding, maybe a memory about one of the skulls or something to flesh it out more. Maybe more about the sigils that had come before or more about her mother.

Not saying to add fluff but it was interesting and more of it would be more interesting.
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RavenstarRHJF

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Re: June 15 2009 - ErikHolmes - The Sword of Worlds - Chapter 10
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2009, 12:32:20 AM »
I agree that it would be satisfying to have more information given to us, especially about her surroundings.  You could play with scenic words like "dank" and "gloaming."  But as far as revelation of backstory, I think this was pure genius.  You gave us just enough to make us want more, and I think you have every intention of fulfilling that- but later. ;)

I particularly liked how she gets taken over by the winds of Fate- even though the way you wrote it, it felt like she not only let it happen, but let it happen willingly.  I'd have thought she'd fight, if only a little bit.  So far she doesn't seem like the kind of person to just let herself be walked over- despite her recent experiences with Kail, even though that's all we've seen of her reactions.  The way you write her, that felt like something out of the ordinary for her.

Compared to your other chapters, it feels a little short.  But if it's going to be the end to Chapter 10, then it's perfect.  It would also be nice, though, if you gave us a hint how she convinced Kail to wait for her to do this before searching for Ellie.  The last we saw of them, they were definitely... involved.  And probably not thinking about much else.

Overall, very nice!
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Renoard

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Re: June 15 2009 - ErikHolmes - The Sword of Worlds - Chapter 10
« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2009, 12:56:16 AM »
This works nicely, but the abruptness of the transition from the last clause to this one is a little sharp.  It might be good if you spaced in some flashbacks of what condition she left kail in. A girly memory of what his hair looked looked like or how worried she is about letting him out of her sight and what condition he was in when she slipped out to complete her errand.

Immediately after it might be a good place to add a very short window into Kail's home world or into the life of an antagonist.  You might not want a three clause chapter but I think it would work for you here.  Especially since I think you've set the stage for switching to Ellie.
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Re: June 15 2009 - ErikHolmes - The Sword of Worlds - Chapter 10
« Reply #4 on: July 17, 2009, 11:34:04 PM »
I love Kasja's description of two of the trees as lovers.

"Oh, how long I've waited for such a mate!" Lines like this don't really do it for me. They're rhetoric--they feel like something out of a Shakespeare soliloquy, and not a thought process. Even an alien process.

There's slippage here between tenses at times. I don't think you have anything that's necessarily grammatically incorrect, if we;re going strictly by the book, but there are a couple places that are awkward. The first line, "He is magnificent", led me to believe that the whole scene would be in present tense, which it wasn't. Then, after a few paragraphs in past tense, you'll have this: "Though I’ve seen no visions of his future, or heard his name on the wind, I know that his deeds will be great. Through him, my oath will be fulfilled." Again, though I think the way you're weaving in and out of these tenses makes sense from a technical perspective, it still reads awkwardly to me.

Using single-paragraph sentences for effect is fine, and you do it well for the most part, but in this section you have a lot of single-line paragraphs, often quite close together. Do it too often and they start to lose their effect.

Not much else to add that hasn't already been said.

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Re: June 15 2009 - ErikHolmes - The Sword of Worlds - Chapter 10
« Reply #5 on: August 06, 2009, 12:00:16 AM »
Quote
Bones crunched under my feet as I entered the dark wood near my home, thinking of his scent as we mated. I crushed a human skull to powder between my toes, and smiled.
These two actions right together seem way too similar to be that close without seeming redundant. And by this point I am wondering if there is anything on the ground besides bones for her to walk on:
Quote
Bones cracked as I took the final steps towards the center of the wood, approaching the sire of the wood.

Where did she stash Kail? We need some timeline congruency.
Quote
He would challenge Hell itself for his friend, I knew.
Really? I wasn't getting any since of that kind of loyalty from Kail.

Thoughts While Reading:
I actually liked this section. I really have a thing for nonhuman characters I guess and there is some good descriptions in there too. But I do worry a little about you having 3 POVS in a first person book. And some more details about the current state of this world that could lead us to a centralized plot would be nice rather than just adding more confusion and questions. Make sure every scene has at least one clear plot point. The more, the better. Keeps the story moving without the artificial scene breaking and baseless fast action.  (As a point for your writing overall, not just this one scene).
Good job.
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