May 4 - The Ringing Horn, Chapter 1 Part 2

[Silk]

Your comments from last week were right on. Keep it up, and thanks!

(I am getting maddeningly close to finishing my first draft. It's kind of sad when "maddeningly close" constitutes probably another 20,000 words. Or so.)

[ErikHolmes]

Ok, I still enjoy your writing style and found the chapter very easy to read and get interested in.

About the only comment I can think of is that right now I don't see anything to really hook the reader.

It's obvious that you are a good writer but right now I don't know if the reader would have any idea as to what type of story this is. IMO a prologue might help to give the reader a hint.

I'm kind of curious as to what you "Elevator Pitch" for this story would be. If you had to explain it in a few sentences, what would the explanation be?

[Renoard]

I'm comfortable with the pacing. I think this submission neatly introduces Agrona, deepens the characterization of Cet and gives us the set up for the first major conflict that Emer will face.  I think I'll second Erik's comment from last week that, this should really be a second chapter rather than a continuation of the first.  You have a very engaging style that calls to mind Montgomery without the overbearing linguistic gymnastics.  Instead of Pride, Prejudice and Vampires, I'm thinking "Green Gables and Wizards".

One thing that stood out as particularly clever in a good way was, "something altogether unsettling.   None of which meant it was something she couldn’t get used to."
This was nice characterization and the tongue in cheek tone brings the reader into the joke. Very nicely done.


That said, I see a couple of language issues.
"and this man had had the longer road."
This is the second "had had" in what you framed as a single chapter.  It's a valid construction but harsh on the "ears".  As with murders, once can be accidental, twice seems rather like carelessness. ;P

"when that moment broke, broke  into her father’s measured, even tones."
Not sure what you meant here.  Did the moment begin speaking like Cet?   Was the the first broke supposed to be someone else's name?

"a lord could justify sending his son just about"
Did a word drop after about?

"a magic-user of sorts"
This term is anachronistic and, frankly, a cheesy short cut.  It's game speak and smacks of TSR rather than speculative fiction. Magician is generally the generic non occupational term where magic is a fact of life.

"And had never forgiven him for using his ‘magic’ to achieve the goal they had both set out for before Cet himself."
This phrase was confusing to me. "They" set it out but before "Cet himself"?  I wasn't sure what you meant to say with this.

Over all an enjoyable read.  Frankly, I think a basic copy editorial will make what we've seen so far, ready to sell.

[ryos]

I'm happy to report that this half was more interesting than the first.

I'm a bit befuddled by the beginning. Did we miss something in there? It felt at first like you were doing a recap for our benefit, but as I read I realized that that couldn't be the case. Muy confuso.

Then, in the confrontation with Agrona, Ighean seemed to sort of teleport into a corner. It was a little disconcerting.

Also, my eyes started to glaze a bit in the sequence between throwing Agrona out and Egen writing her letter. I'm generally a fan of the summary of events too pedestrian to show directly, but this one went on a little long for my tastes.

When we shift to Agrona's viewpoint, I feel you could reorient us more quickly. You could have told us Agrona's name the first time we meet him, then dropped it in that first paragraph after the shift. That would IMHO help alleviate some of the mental strain involved with a POV shift. You also sort of dance around the identity of other people, in an odd way:

So he’d come to Danann, arriving the day after the other man’s departure for his daughter’s wedding in Jocian, and when he found that out he’d returned to the Cuilinn manor on the day that Cet was supposed to be returning.

This "other man" is obviously Cet, so why dance around the issue?

I'm sensing this will be a common theme in my critiques of your submissions. If possible, don't delay in getting us the information we need to know to fully understand what's going on.

Other than that, I don't really have much to gripe about. The plot sauce is thickening on the stove. I'm now interested to see where this goes.

[swaindaddy]

I don't have much to add to the conversation. Most of my points have been covered by others. I will say that I agree with ryos on the pace of the story. The writing is very good, very deep, and fits the the genre well. I simply felt things were moving a little slow for a first chapter.

Keep in mind that I do not have Chapter 1 - Part 1. Very talented work so far though.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Still doing a good job involving us in your story!  Thanks!

First off, I noticed a LOT more typos and grammatical errors in this submission than the first one, which tells me you gave us the ROUGH rough draft (possibly the first draft you wrote).  So I'm not going to mention some very obvious redundancies that you can find easily on your own when you rewrite.  At least, not here.  If you want to know what I found, PM me and I'll send a list.

- I like Emer's reaction when Inghean comes up beside her at the beginning.  You've got a gift for characterizing.  You should capitalize on it though; maybe put it a few sentences where Emer wonders about Inghean's new value for her company now that Lasair is gone, or have her consider asking her about that look Agrona gave her before he left.

- you describe Agrona initially as "a man Emer had never seen before" but that implies that she SHOULD have.  But he doesn't matter to her yet, he's just a guy her dad is angry with- just a random stranger.  And going on your current characterization of Cet, there are probably plenty of people that her father is angry with (or on bad terms with, in general).  So, why should this one interest her?  She's probably seen scenes much like this one before, or heard about them from servants.

-The shift to Agrona's point of view, I agree, is a bit abrupt.  You could probably have Cet call him by his name before without revealing anything too interesting to either Emer or your audience.  That would smooth it out a lot.

I will say, I'd have enjoyed a bit more time spent at the feast.  At least enough to let us get a better picture of what usually goes on.  As it now stands, we know they follow the rule of man, woman, man, woman seating arrangements, but not much beyond that.  Some description after Cet orders Emer back to her chair would be nice.  Let us know how boring it can be- and maybe shed some light on whether or not anyone else noticed her departure.  She is sitting at the head table, right?

[Frog]

Thoughts While Reading:
I'm going to call you on using 'of course' again in the first line....

Whatever idiot had first declared carriages a luxurious way to travel, Emer thought, bouncing to her feet almost before the carriage had a chance to stop, has obviously never had to ride in one.

 
I found this sentence awkward, maybe you could keep the internal thought together.

As if handing off the horse wasn’t enough

Awkward phrasing here....

Alright, this is getting a little ridiculous. People are allowed to call a character different things, but for the most part, you have to be consistent in your narration. Is he Cet, Lord Cuilinn or Father? I don't know how much it matters which one you pick, but please pick one. 

Even with the break, I found your shift in scenes  a bit disorientating and would suggest that you find a way to smooth it out.

The exchange between her and the guard seemed awkward enough for me to wonder if their was some significance to his hesitation (like he knows something we don't). If that wasn't your intention, I'd smooth it out a bit.

Another awkward shift. You probably need to give us the name of the new narrator right up front.

Overall impression:
Well, the writing seems a bit rougher in these sections and the transitions were a bit abrupt but still it was much more engaging and I'm much more interested in the plot. Great job!