Comments for you, in no particular order:
"This Immortal was not the god who raped and murdered Samira—though Veresh was not entirely certain—" Saying definitively that this was not the Immortal he was after, then immediately following that by saying Veresh wasn't certain, reads awkwardly.
Veresh thinks of Anarax as a "merficul, trustworthy god", but seems to have a prominent distrust of gods in general, and so far as I can tell hasn't had any contact with Anarax at all until they meet at the Pit of Damnation. If you want to have Veresh pray to Anarax here, why not have him think of the service he's planning to do for Anarax in freeing him? Or, wait, he hadn't decided to do that yet. But something about how he hoped this god was less fickle than the others, since Veresh was going to him for help. Or something.
After Mithra names Samira's killer, you write, "Hassan looked into the decrepit god's eyes, almost afraid." This sentence really bugged me the first time I read it; I was going to suggest deleting it. Now, of course, I see that osmething like it needs to be there, but it reads awkwardly. I think this is because it feels almost like a POV shift here, from Veresh to Hassan, just for that one sentence.
I thought initially that Veresh went too quickly from denial to blame after learning who killed Samira; I don't think so now, but I
do think the part where he moans about cruel, cruel gods and collapses to the sand is a little too over the top.
There are a couple of tiny hints in here that Mithra and Hassan are both more than they seem and that they both recognize each other, nicely handled in terms of character dynamics. I would actually like to see a bit
more tension between the two of them. It doesn't have to be anything revealing - in fact I don't think it should be - but the two of them taking (what seems like) an instant delight to each other would emphasize what's already there without making it too obvious and leave us that more prepared for the ending. It would also distract a bit from Veresh's mental agony, which, while I don't think it's overdone (except where specifically cited
), is basically all we're getting from the story right now.
Speaking of hints and preparing for the ending, in terms of Hassan being a manifestation of Rashne, I wouldn't mind seeing a hint of that earlier on. Since Hassan is the form Rashne took to prevent Veresh from losing it after Samira died, I presume that Veresh only met Hassan after his wife's death. This is never made explicit in the text, however. Even a short paragraph on how Veresh and Hassan met, presumably just after Samira was killed, with something about how Hassan stopped Veresh from killing himself, would be enough, I think.
You allude at one point to a fight between Veresh and Samira, but never get too deep into it. I'd like to see a little more of it, probably at the climax where he learns the truth of her death. You mention that she was "simply sick of Veresh and needed a change". This seems really, really thin when weighed against the fact that Rashne apparenty warned her of the consequences; I have a hard time believing that she actually would have done so. Not to mention that her shacking up with her husband's patron god just because she "wanted a change" makes her seem less than sympathetic, which I'm not certain helps you here. A little more about Veresh and Samira and what happened between them would help, I think.
I wonder a bit about the Fateless thing, particularly since you're using it as a title. There is a
lot of emphasis on the fact that Veresh is Fateless early on and all the way up to the climax itself, where it basically vanishes. We find out explicity what the Fateless are, which was nice, but other than that the concept of Fateless, and the fact that Varesh is one, seems to have no bearing on the climax itself. I'm not certain how much this damages your story, if it does at all. The conclusion was satisfying in other ways; I'm just trying to decide if finding out what the Fateless are is enough to resolve that particular thread. Something to think about.
I like the Oathbound magic system. Some of the things Mithra - and later, Anarax - said sort of implied that the Gods had to speak truth (in the same way that Aes Sedai always speak truth, it seemed to me). I don't NEED this to be the case with your magic system, but if it is, it would be nice to see it made explicit in the text because I thought it was a cool idea.
I think that's all. Hope this is in time enough to help with your assignment.
