3-23-09 Aspirations Miranda 5-6

[Necroben]

Jason wandered through his grief, soothing his soul in alcohol. 
He met with a stranger, who gave him a mysterious ring.
This ring gave him a backhanded wish that, Jason, was unaware of.
He then goes on to find out that his inadvertent wish got him partially
married to a female vampire.  He also finds out that to complete the
marriage they have too consummate it.

Jason finds that his bride-to-be (Miranda) is not entirely pleased with the
situation.  Before they can attempt any reconciliation, Jason is abducted
and sent to Hell.  Jason has been given the task of collecting certain items
from this list, for a spell that will transfer his soul and the ring to the Deamion.
Jason then finds himself in a different place.  Where he encounters a pretty
young woman bound as a sacrifice.  Unfortunately, this woman is a spiting
image of his dead wife, Kim.  The woman guides Jason back to his own campfire…

Jason goes into the town of Gorstauk with Angel.
He meets her mother and finds out she does not like him, at all.
Jason wanders the town for a bit until he meets Angel’s father,
who then sells Jason what he needs/wants of supplies.
Thinking Angel would rather stay with her mother;
Jason moves on with his quest and gets lost.
He then meets back up with Angel,
who was to be married to Javik on her mother’s say-so.
Jason cries on her shoulder, the only friend in this world he has
Thinking of Kim, Miranda, and Angel; Jason falls into a troubled asleep…

Jason and Angela (I’ve changed her name for now) continue to search for
the rest of the reagents needed.  Along their journey, they are attacked by
Javik, who with his dieing breath lays a curse on Jason.  After the attack,
Angela begins to train Jason in the ways of magic.  After finding and in
Angela’s case discovering, they have all but one reagent left to gather, Eye of Newt.
Angela comes up with a plan that sets her up as bait to lure Newt into ambush.
Newt comes but not everything goes according to plan.  Jason sees Angela
swallowed after his spells seem to misfire.  He then chases after Newt to rescue her.
Jason finds Newt dieing in a clearing, compelled Jason hacks off Newt’s head
and eats Newt’s heart.  The magic that compelled him leaves after he’s done
and Jason loses consciousness…

Jason has had his battle with the Deamion, and won.
Most questions have been answered at this point,
but more questions have been introduced.
We now fade to Miranda…

(I will be separating and sorting out where and how I’ll introduce these different viewpoints.)

Miranda and Jason were attacked after they left dinner with her parents.  Using her own innate powers, Miranda tracks down the thug who made off with Jason's unconscious body.  Finally resorting to torture, she finds that the thug has no idea where Jason went.  After the surprise attack from the thug, Miranda uses up the last of her depleted reserves of power to heal herself.  Weak, in pain, and in no mood to deal with family issues; Miranda did not greet her father at that moment with her usual enthusiasm.

Miranda has found out that Jason has been sent to hell and she’s desperate to get him back.  Both because she loves him and because she’ll die if they don’t fulfill the terms of their contract.  Needing her fathers help, Miranda reluctantly agrees to his price and agrees to do a job for him working with him and her brothers Paul and Adam, her sister Rachael, and her mother.  But this first job will be for her alone…

Thanks for reading, your help is greatly appreciated!

[Reaves]

Overall I thought this submission was very good. Not one of your personal best, but still very good, and what I've come to accept as the norm from you. Everything flowed very nicely and there was never any section I thought felt choppy or that broke the flow.

Towards the beginning I did think it had a rather "she did this, she did that," feel to it. It just seemed to lack impact. There was a lot of introspection, and not a lot of dialogue. That is not a bad thing but you might need to liven up the introspection a bit. It just felt slow.

I don't really understand how Desmond was able to drug her so openly in the club that her father owns. I know you mentioned that Miranda couldn't see any friendly faces, but I don't quite understand that either. Her father seems like the sort of man to have a tightly run ship and would not allow his own men to be replaced so easily.

I don't really understand how Desmond fits into the main plot but I assume all will be made clear in time

Oh Gods, this boy bought into all the myths!

vampires believe in a pantheon? NOTE: Miranda doesn't strike me as a particularly religious person. (Neither of those two sentences are meant to be a criticism, just letting you know what is running through my head as I read that.)

Great ending line. It leaves me wondering what Miranda's got up her sleeve

[Necroben]

Thanks Reaves, that helped.  I'm trying to get better at all the, "I did this, and I did that" stuff.

I don't really understand how Desmond was able to drug her so openly in the club that her father owns. I know you mentioned that Miranda couldn't see any friendly faces, but I don't quite understand that either. Her father seems like the sort of man to have a tightly run ship and would not allow his own men to be replaced so easily.

As a general question as well:  How much farther along should answers be given?  I try to make every chapter into a mini story of its own, but I'll also string some information out into other chapters.  Is this a usefull technique?  Or should these things be tidied up fairly quickly?

[RavenstarRHJF]

I try to make every chapter into a mini story of its own...

Well that answers one of my questions!

I think one of the most effective ways of showing continuing action (day to day activities as opposed to plot-relevant action) is to focus more on how the characters interact with each other than on what they are actually doing.  An argument with Miranda's mother about the renovation of her bedroom:
(a) shows that the room is being renovated,
(b) tells us that Miranda has a negative attitude about this,
(c) tells us that she feels like a stranger in her own home now,
(d) allows Miranda to storm off to change for her "date", grumbling all the while, and
(e) gives her an excuse to stay in the guest bedroom until he arrives to pick her up.

And yes, I know I need to work on this myself

I, too, was kinda surprised that she let herself be drugged so easily.  I mean, I know she's a vampire and all, but she's had hints all night that he's a control freak who sees people as objects instead of fellow human beings.  Considering she's there to protect him, albeit reluctantly, I'd think she'd be more on her guard- at the very least initially refusing the drink because she's "afraid it will soften her reflexes."

Also, it's not precisely clear in chapter six if he's also undressed her in addition to tying her up.

...his hand trailing along my bare shoulders...

  You said her dress was sleeveless before, but covered her neck and bosom, so is the dress a mock-turtleneck haltar style, or... I'm just saying that Desmond seems the type of man who would undress a beautiful, unconscious girl if he was reasonably certain of his power over her, so if he didn't we need to know that, because it's out of character for him and could nicely play up that little bit about him wanting her to turn him into a vampire. 

[Necroben]

Thanks Ravenstar!

I'll work on Desmond's characterization some more.

[Reaves]

As a general question as well:  How much farther along should answers be given?  I try to make every chapter into a mini story of its own, but I'll also string some information out into other chapters.  Is this a usefull technique?  Or should these things be tidied up fairly quickly?

I'm probably the wrong person to ask about these sort of things I'm still trying to figure that out myself. Try it, see what works and what doesn't. Just consider that everything you write should have a purpose and should be furthering the plot, I suppose.

[Frog]

Yea for more Aspirations!

Thoughts While Reading:
Seems overly telly up front, but I love it when you get to the scene between Miranda and Desmond.

I like a lot of the narration that Miranda is giving us. Like this one: "Well, she was busy bothering the decorators."

Her being drugged and kidnapped strikes me as being abrupt and a bit random.

Now would seem to be a good time to tell us a bit more about what a vampire can and can't do in your world and some of the processes that go with it.

Overall Impression:
I thought these were good scenes, they just struck me as a little random and as I didn't see it relating to anything she was doing with Jason. I'm still with you though and want to see how it all works out. Great job!