16 March 2009 - Sea of Sand - part 1

[ryos]

I know I promised you 1700 words. Well, somewhere between now and then it turned into 2700. I hope nobody minds.

Here are a few brief details about the story:

- This will be a short story - I'm shooting for somewhere south of 10,000 words.
- The (working) title is "Sea of Sand".
- Though I've written several little things here and there over the years, this is my first attempt at a "real" (as in, "I plan on trying to sell it" real) work of fiction. I have no illusions that my first attempt will turn out publishable, but don't let that stay the hand of critiquing.
- I suck at naming things. It's one of my failings as a human being (fear for my unborn children). You've been warned...

That's it. Thanks for reading!

[wcarter4]

Well I have  a few things to say. You seem to have a fairly developed culture here and a plausible criminal justice system tied to it. That being said, I don't see how this can be done in under 10,000 words and not feel rushed. It might be it might not, but don't set a length for it let the story tell itself at it's own pace. 

Second, you flip flop back in forth through time withtout much transition or purpose sometimes.

Is there a reason to show Selendy witnessing her father right after he killed her mother with no previous mention? It may have had an impact on her, but it had nothing to do with her killing her boss or her current predicament.

Next, the left or right thing wasn't too clear at first since you didn't make it clear which ship went where until Selendy chose. You may have done this on purpose, but if not you might want to add in a bit more detail there.

Finally, why wouldn't people at least try to cross a desert if there habitable land was sparse? There can be reasons, and you don't even have to mention them if they're obvious to your characters, but your characters at least should know them.

This story has a very promising start. I look forward to reading the rest of it. Good luck!

[ryos]

Thanks for your comments!

That being said, I don't see how this can be done in under 10,000 words and not feel rushed. It might be it might not, but don't set a length for it let the story tell itself at it's own pace.

10,000 is my best guess based on what I have plotted out. We'll see how close I was when I get there.

Is there a reason to show Selendy witnessing her father right after he killed her mother with no previous mention? It may have had an impact on her, but it had nothing to do with her killing her boss or her current predicament.

Hopefully, this should become clear by the end of the story. If it still isn't working after that then please let me know.

[Reaves]

First of all, thanks for sharing!

I think your opening paragraph could use some work. I would prioritize hooking the reader over setting the scene and giving information.

I think its very interesting that you are delving into the legal and criminal justice system of your world. That is something I haven't seen much of in fantasy.

I wasn't quite feeling the priestess' motivation for giving Selendy a chance at life. She seemed a bit disinterested about the whole thing.

A part of her would have liked nothing more than to find peace beneath the waves. Better to die quickly in the smothering arms of a benevolent god than to die starving and insane at the mercy of one far less generous. It would be the sensible thing to do.

nice line.

I thought you very seamlessly translated two different flashbacks into the flow of the story. Nice job! It did not feel clunky or distracting from the current story at all.

There were some parts of it that were a bit confusing. I didn't really understand that whole bit about the prisoners choosing what ship they were going on to. (Left or right?)
-Ahh. After re-reading it for about the third time I realized that the priestess must have given each of the other prisoners the same choice; to explore the desert or to take their chances in the thirty mile swim. Maybe you can make that a bit clearer.

Anyway, thanks again for sharing this with us. I'm interested in Selendy's story. I would try to inject a bit more life into your writing style, just liven it up a bit, but otherwise everything seemed pretty decent.

[ryos]

First of all, thanks for sharing!

The thanks are flowing in the wrong direction here. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on it.

[Frog]

Frog finally chiming in 

Thought While Reading:
First up, your writing seems to be very clean, so I may not have a lot to say with the nitpicky stuff, but I might suggest you orientate us to your world and Selendy's current predicament right up front. Makes it easier to sympathize with someone if you know what is going on.

Transition to the dream seemed a little abrupt. Is there a way to make it clearer that this is a flashback style dream and not a miraculous escape. .

Based on her explanation, I don't see why her guilt should be any mystery. It seems kind of straight forward: She killed a man for threatening to dock her pay.

"Great," she muttered, "Killing me's not enough; you've got to *annoy* me first."
Lol.

Again, I would have liked it if you explained the significances of the choices (right/left and whatnot) right from the first.

Overall impression:
The story interests me, and I don't have any major complaints but I am going to have to go with Reaves on this one and tell you that it is a little dry. I would like some more emotion put into the writing and I would like to know more about your world and character right up front. Great job! 

[ryos]

Thanks for the comments, Frog!

You're all right about the right/left thing. I'll definitely be fixing that on the next pass. You're also right that it doesn't make much sense, as written, why Selendy should wonder if she's guilty. It made sense in my head at the time, but I may end up just cutting it altogether.

I might suggest you orientate us to your world and Selendy's current predicament right up front. Makes it easier to sympathize with someone if you know what is going on.

I'm a bit confused by this comment. I thought that the beginning of the story was all about orientating the reader to Selendy's current predicament. In what way did I fall short of that mark?

As for the world, I don't know if I possess the writer-fu to manage that much exposition in such a small space. The very next scene after this submission has more details on the world. Is there anything specific you wish I'd explained in the opening sequence?

Lastly, the comments about my style being too plain made me smile. You're all right, of course, but it's funny because that style is a reaction to comments on other forums about other pieces that my style was too flowery and verbose. I'll have to see what I can do, but in the meantime I've been trying to spruce things up a bit in the next sequences I'm writing. You'll have to let me know how I did.

[Frog]

Hmm... yes, I suppose my comment was bit vague. The problem I was having at the beginning was just some confusion on what her crime was and how could she not know if she was guilty or not and then later with the priestess helping her, there was some confusion on the people's ritual style punishment. Most of these things were answered later in the section, but I would rather have know some of this before hand so I could be surprised with her about the priestess' suggestion. It just felt a little out of order and I am not sure if it helped draw me in as an audience in this instance.

And as for the world, I would have to keep reading to know for sure, and it wasn't a major sticking point, but it just felt like she was about to venture out into the unknown with her journey in the desert so I would like to see a bit of what is known to her first so I can see the contrast. A bit of the day to day life stuff... with appropriate conflict thrown in, of course.

But like I said, none of these were major sticking points, so just keep spreading out the details and I'm sure it will work out fine. And if not, I will be here to yell at you. 

[Hamster]

Hey Ryos, I just read your chapter, and I really enjoyed it.

It was nice to read something a little more different and fresh from alot of other stuff I've been reading. Someothers mentioned this and I will too, the criminal justice system was interesting. The whole concept of your world and story so far has me hooked. Kudos!

About the flashbacks, I thought that her crime one flowed well, but I agree with Frog that the one of her father killing her mother didn't quite work. I think that it needed more writing in that section. It felt like a few sentences and we find out her dad killed her mum, and she runs for help, it seems rushed. I think that if you flesh that part out and transition it a bit better then it will be a strong part of your chapter.

I also agree with Reaves that the priestess seemed way too disinterested about helping Selendy. This may have been your intention, but it just didn't flow that well for me.

You're all right about the right/left thing. I'll definitely be fixing that on the next pass.

I actually liked the right/left thing, surprisingly I understood right away that it meant either the ocean or the desert. Of course, I wasn't sure which way was which, but I still liked not knowing, wondering what was going on with only a faint understanding. Probably just me, but I liked how that section worked.

You're all right, of course, but it's funny because that style is a reaction to comments on other forums about other pieces that my style was too flowery and verbose.

Now, I don't mean to speak for the others, but I don't think they're talking about being floweryness and verboseness. The style seemed too dry and sometimes a little distant from the characters' emotions. Sure, some more 'flowery' phrases and such might help, but just try to let your emotions become more involved in your writing. Please don't take offense to this or anything, because at the more important emotional points I did feel that with Selendy, but the majority of the time it lacked a bit more of emotion. This is at least what I felt, and I think what the others were trying to say.

Don't let any of my negative stuff get you down though, this was a really good submission, way better than all of mine so far, and I have yet another story that I am hooked into and want to read.

[ryos]

Thanks for the feedback, Hamster. You guys are all really helpful. Unfortunately, I feel like I need to ask for yet more clarification.

I also agree with Reaves that the priestess seemed way too disinterested about helping Selendy. This may have been your intention, but it just didn't flow that well for me.

This one surprises me, because the truth is that she's not that interested in Selendy personally. The priests do this because they want to know what's in the desert, and not out of any great desire to see murderers escape execution.

So...I'm not sure what the problem is. I mean, multiple people reported this as a problem, so obviously something is wrong, but it's not a problem with characterization because you all got the impression from the priestess that I wanted you to. What am I missing?

[Hamster]

Okay, so Ryos, the problem was that we thought that the priestess had more invested in Selendy.
I don't mean to speak for people again, but I think that 'we' thought that she was supposed to be more interested in Selendy.

So we got the impression that you wanted while thinking that we got the wrong impression. I guess to fix this maybe make it more clear that the priestess is only interested in the desert, establish it very clearly that she doesn't care about Selendy herself, leave no room for us to misinterpret it.

[Frog]

I wasn't getting much of a feel on Selendy either way, but just to help Hamster out...

You're all right, of course, but it's funny because that style is a reaction to comments on other forums about other pieces that my style was too flowery and verbose.

Now, I don't mean to speak for the others, but I don't think they're talking about being floweryness and verboseness. The style seemed too dry and sometimes a little distant from the characters' emotions. Sure, some more 'flowery' phrases and such might help, but just try to let your emotions become more involved in your writing.

Yes, that is exactly what I meant. Thank you.

Good Luck!

[jwdenzel]

Hi Ryos...  This was an interesting and enjoyable submission.  I wouldn't say that the story was incredibly exciting or dynamic for me,  but it had some really good things going for it.   

What I liked most about it was the very strong sense of intrigue we get from your setting. I love how the whole society is basically trapped in a tiny strip of land, bound in by both the ocean and desert.  And kudos to you for building a society which adheres to those limitations very believably.  (ie, they worship an ocean god, for example).  Quite honestly, this setup is one of the most interesting I've read in this group so far.  Well done!

W/R/T your setting. one thing I wasn't certain of was the level of technology available. At times it gave me the sense that it was in a medieval period (a dungeon, priests, ships, etc), but at others I got the sense that it could be modern day (the docks, levels, catamaran, etc). I am pretty certain you intended this to be a high fantasy story ,but just keep in mind that if you picture a modern-day world for this story, it still holds water.   

"Selendy, scheduled to depart on her final voyage with the first light of tomorrow's dawn, lies sleeping away her last hours of life."

It wasn't quite clear to me that the priestess was quoting something from a paper.  And if she was, the second half of the sentence ("...lies sleeping away...") seems like an odd thing to describe on some document.

"30 miles, child. That's not a swim you just make. Only the wrongfully convicted are blessed with the strength to escape their execution."

I was confused by this. Was the priestess telling her how far it was to escape her prison? (Like on Alcatraz or something?)  It wasn't until I read a comment in this thread (Thanks, Reaves!) that it dawned on me that the prisoners are dumped 30 miles out and told they can live if they make it back. Maybe I'm just thick.     But if not, then consider clarifying this early on.  It also would help clarify the priestess's motivations a little.

Oh, and, because others here have discussed it... I picked up on the "Right / Left" thing pretty quickly.

Some of the flashback transitions felt a little awkward to me.  The first one... where she remembered killing the Dockmaster... was okay.  But the next one where she just rolled over and then dreams every detail of her backstory felt a bit of a stretch.

With that, she dove backwards off the stern of the catamaran and swam gracefully downriver.

I admit I chuckled a little when I read this.  It was a funny image of an old lady jumping ship and swimming.  Was this event intended to be supernatural?  Or is the old lady really just a good swimmer (due to the fact that she's an ocean god priestess?) 

Also, just a nitpick, but wouldn't she be swimming UP-river if she was headed back?

I want to know more about the old lady's motivations. (Which is a good thing. I want to read part 2 now).

Finally, I think you might benefit from doing a pass over this to look for instances of passive voice. I'm no expert in finding that (as you may know well from my own submissions!) but there were some instances where the sentences could have been more direct.

Looking forward to part 2. Well done.

J

[ryos]

Thanks for the great comments, jw.

I admit I chuckled a little when I read this.  It was a funny image of an old lady jumping ship and swimming.  Was this event intended to be supernatural?  Or is the old lady really just a good swimmer (due to the fact that she's an ocean god priestess?)

I meant it to be a bit comical, and yes, a bit supernatural. That's all I'll say here.

W/R/T your setting. one thing I wasn't certain of was the level of technology available. At times it gave me the sense that it was in a medieval period (a dungeon, priests, ships, etc), but at others I got the sense that it could be modern day (the docks, levels, catamaran, etc). I am pretty certain you intended this to be a high fantasy story ,but just keep in mind that if you picture a modern-day world for this story, it still holds water.

I waffled a bit about the docks, and the cranes, and stuff. I envisioned a system of weights and pulleys, where workers would pull the weights back up as they were lowered to power the operation of the crane. Hence the need for someone to control which weights were being lowered when and for how long.

To be honest, I'm not sure if this really works within the world.

I tried to set the level of technology realistically given the constraints. Most of their technological developments derive from an extensive reliance on the sea for their sustenance, as farming will not yield very much in this environment. I also envision the sea god providing a lot of the tools they need for population growth, as he very much wants them to survive and thrive.

Scarcity of wood is a motivating factor. They can only afford to use wood for vital things, like the larger fishing vessels, the docks and cranes, etc. For example, the pontoons of the catamaran are made from a layered composite of fish bones and a glue-like substance derived from a type of shellfish. They're strong enough for rivers, but probably wouldn't last very long on the open sea.

BTW, this is all stuff that I won't have room to show in the story itself, so I don't feel too bad writing it out here.

I would love to have a higher level of technology in this world, but I'm not sure how it would develop. Even what I have is stretching a bit.

[jwdenzel]

BTW, this is all stuff that I won't have room to show in the story itself, so I don't feel too bad writing it out here.

Fair enough.  Although I would respectfully submit to you that I think you have the chops to find a way to do this.  There are ways you could describe the pulley system at the docks, for example, with just a sentence or two that would give us a sense of what you describe.

Consider it a Writing Prompt.  Or just a challenge in general.

J