Thoughts While Reading:
I found the blurb just a bit too confusing to be helpful. I got it after a few reads though.
Some of the sentences are so long/complex that again, it is a little confusing. Some of them are seven lines or more and I would suggest breaking them up a bit. Like this one: Sergio – Sergio-B to be technically accurate (and his aide was nothing but) – turned grey eyes to his employer and rebutted him solemnly." As it reads right now, it is unclear on whether Sergio is the aide or if Sergio has an aide that is technically accurate. And if the next line shows him rebutting him solemnly, you don't necessarily need to tell us.
Great use of symbolism throughout.
"That’s it, dig it in a little deeper." seems to be thoughts I would attribute to the President, but not your POV character Zarate....
It's a little hard to know who's side we are supposed to be on (Zarate's or Tirso's).
"That was probably why he didn’t hear Villamayor’s warnings until it was too late." Seems just a bit too telly. I think it would be more dramatic a moment if you deleted it.
Who's Carmen? Second time she shows up in a blurb and it seems strange for us still not to know. I like this blurb though. Makes a lot more since than the first one.
You seem to want to delay naming your POV characters... I can see it as being a stylistic choice, but it annoyed me a little bit.
That's a fun twist, but I was unclear on what they actually accomplished at the end...
Overall Impression:
For one that generally dislikes short stories (because they are too short!
) I saw a lot of potential in this one and it was a lot of fun. There are just so many little things that were confusing that made it harder to get through. I can see that you may be doing some of it on purpose, but you can only do it so much before it becomes a turn off. Just try to be a bit more conscious of it and unless you have a GOOD reason for leaving your audience in the dark, explain every new word and character shift right when it happens. Only other suggestion I would have is to show a bit more than you tell so you are telegraphing your action so much.
Great story! I'll be watching my Xeroxes very closely from now on.
