3-2-09 Reaves: Crystalheart, Chapter Eleven

[Reaves]

Yay! You are back for chapter eleven!!

A couple things to say. First, some of you may remember that once I mentioned that chapter eleven was Awesome. Yes, with a capital. Well, first of all your memory is scary. Seriously, stop it.
Second, that chapter, the Awesome one, is actually chapter twelve. I added in an extra chapter at the last minute (chapter 10) so obviously everyone had to move up one chapter.

Really, not a lot happens in this chapter. Lots of interesting things, I hope; the little conversation with Aermyst and Marlin, Aermyst finding out about Hallastan, the "elevator" But there is not a whole lot in the way of events. Originally I intended to continue a little further with this chapter, scavenging from the events in chapter twelve, but I decided not to. We will have to see.

Question. When I was describing the city of Londalis in first person, from the bird's-eye view perspective...did that work at all? Its something I am thinking of doing for all of the major locales my characters visit. Good idea/ Bad idea?

Anyway, thanks for plunging through my chapters, guys. I really appreciate it a lot.

[Frog]

First post! Ha! I beat you all!

Thoughts While Reading:
"Tester, Maker, and Builder..." Nice...

"They had withstood bandit attacks, twice more since Zael had raided the caravan. It had been a nightmare journey of pain and trial. The eery cries of sand panthers had echoed around the camp each night. Three more of the guards had died, one by 'panther attacks and two by raiders."
Really... when did that happen? I could have sworn it was smooth sailing after the creepy guy left... at least one brief like encounter might be helpful.

"But now they were here. At the very gates of Londalis. They were safe." Way too telly....

I wouldn't sum up relationship matters (Marlin and Aermyst)... show us how their relationship has grown by how they interact.

"The cost was more than I had imagined." Doesn't seem to fit a ten year old boy...

wow, Huge POV jump... is this something you plan on doing often? 'Cause it very jarring, especially for a one time thing.

I think your over doing it with the metaphors here. Just how many ways can you say that this city is freaking amazing?

"By accident, or happenstance, or fate," seems a bit much...

Um... was Aermyst just abducted by aliens? That's a random place to put an elevator, but hey, it's fun.

And he's suddenly very happy about it....

Now this might have been a good place to do the bird's eye city discription without breaking the flow....

"He ran." Where to?

Overall Impression:
First off, I enjoyed the section (Mr. Skitterfly w/o a name is tons of fun and I liked Marlin and a lot of your world building too ). Transitions might need some help to lose some of the telliness and make it flow more naturally (we went from summed up panther encounters, to 'oh, look a cool city,' to being worried about Ilis and then, finally, a perfectly happy explorer).  Some more hints on Aermyst character goals might be nice too ('I need to get to the city, and then I am going to take over the world!'... or something. Just something more concrete then 'I'd like to get my soul back somehow if I ever happen to see that one guy again but I am going to wander around aimlessly until then'). I can't say I'm too fond of the bird's eye view thing, but that is something I can easily get over if you like it.
Great Job!

Edit: You know, I am beginning to notice that I get progressively more sarcastic when I critique people. I guess I felt at first that making it a joke would lessen the blow of some of the less then positive stuff, but now I am wondering if it just ends up sounding cruel. I really don't mean anything by it and I love your story, so I'll try to be more conscious about it next time. Promise.

[Reaves]

About the sarcasm, it really doesn't bother me much. Just so long as you are honest and it doesn't confuse me

[Necroben]

It is a living creature, with its own translucent flesh and blood and organs.

You probably don’t have to mention organs.  Translucent kind of implies it, and the imagery is spoiled by imagining loops of intestines in the buildings.  But that’s just me. 

It has just one main road that curls around and around…

Spirals?

And then- "Hey! What are you doing?" he said…

Took me a second read to determine who said it.  Maybe do away with the: and then.

Aermyst let his laugh of fearful excitement resound up the shaft…

Why is he fearfully excited?

The top of the tower opened like a giant maw, fangs of shattered ethersteel grimacing wide.

Nice!

The wind gusted playfully at him, grabbing and tugging at his clothes. It roared in his ears, buffeting him and pushing him off balance.

Is it doing both at the same time?  Or is it alternating between the two?

This then, is Londalis. If the stars had eyes with which to perceive the world below, this is what they would see.

I came back to this part because it bothered me for some reason.  I can’t really say why, but it might be just a bit much.  I just doesn’t seem to fit.

Overall, I really enjoyed it.  You showed some great world building and kept the story moving along at the same time.  The tower thing was a little confusing at first but hopefully all will be revealed in time.  Great job!

[Mathom]

General Comments:
---It was an entertaining read.  The start was compelling enough that I wanted to finish and also I was wondering if the rest of the back chapters weren't posted somewhere.

---Sometimes your word choice threw me out of the narrative.  I'll get more specific later.

---I thought the chapter started with a bang: "There it is! There it is! I see it!" But it ended with a bit of a whimper.  I would like to see some event happen at the end of the chapter that makes me anxious to read the next chapter.

---I like the way you name things.  Hokey names are one of my biggest pet-peeves in non-comedic fantasy.

---I get a good sense of wonder from the setting: it is a sweeping city full of ruins.

---In regards to grammar, it threw me off when you used a semi-colon to denote a list.  It happened a couple of times and each time my mind said, "something is wrong here."

Specific Comments:
---My biggest problem with the whole narrative was the description of the city.  I'm still not sure how it is organized.  You describe it as a spider web with a main street spiraling outward and spokes running radially, but then you talk about inner and outer circles.  I got totally confused.  Plus, then you start talking about how all the buildings are derelict.  I gathered by the end that you were describing how the city looked in some past time and then were describing how it looked at the present, but I was really confused throughout the section.

---The part with the monk seems totally out of place, as though it were inserted just so you could describe the theology of the book.  Either it needs to be introduced somewhere else or the event with the monk needs to be more significant.

---I thought the use of a strange language was interesting, but it makes me wary of the narrative.  I haven't read any other chapters so I don't know how much you use a created language, but languages are my second pet-peeve in fantasy writing.  Most writers make up languages in an attempt increase the strangeness of their setting, but almost none can pull it off convincingly because most writers have not studied how a language is constructed.  Tolkien could do it because he was a professor of languages.  Also Tolkein was very careful in his use of made-up languages.  For the most part they don't appear in the actual narrative; they mostly appear in the poems and side-stories that the characters introduce, or that are found in the appendix.  I would advise care with your use of strange tongues.

---Some of the discussion about the wars between neighboring kingdoms had me lost.  I don't know if you introduced these people in an earlier chapter.  If you did, maybe others weren't so lost.  If you haven't introduced them before, it is too much discussion about people I really don't care about.

---I knew from the quick summary provided that Hallastan was important.  I thought the talk with the guards was effective for making me worry about Ilis.

Nit-picky Comments:
---"Another cheer rose up among the caravan.  They rushed forward . . ."  How does a caravan rush forward?  You write caravan and I imagine oxen, wagons, horses and people.  The people might rush forward, but wagons can't really.

---"'The aspects of God are seven,' he said . . ."  The he is a bit ambiguous.  Context isn't enough to immediately know whether Marlin or the monk is "he."

---" . . . spoken in a language dead and buried, with moss on the headstone and nothing but dust and spiders in the grave."  While I thought this a clever turn of phrase, I also felt it didn't fit with the narrative.  It's a dead language. Ok.

---". . . a great empty shaft resounded with the pale lights."  How does a shaft resound with light?  Sounds resound.  I think I know what you were meaning, but "resound" was a weird word to choose.

---"Finally the platform halted, . . ."  What you want to suggest is the passage of time.  "Finally" suggests accomplishing things after a series of events, or after several tries.  It was a little thing that detracted from the narrative.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Those are my thoughts.  To the forum in general I wanted to ask, do you writers have a website, weblog, or somewhere online where readers can find earlier chapters if they are interested?

~Mathom

[Reaves]

To the forum in general I wanted to ask, do you writers have a website, weblog, or somewhere online where readers can find earlier chapters if they are interested?

~Mathom

Whoa, you mean something semi-professional? Who are you kidding  If you'd like, I can send some of the previous chapters though. Thanks for reading! I'll respond to everyone's comments in full soon, I just have a short space of time here.

[Hamster]

Yay for a new Crystalheart chapter!

I thought the beginning was good, but Marlin goes from happy little kid who is bragging that he saw the city first to a brooding kid who talks abnormally for a 10 year old. I saw how you tried to transition his mood from happy to melancholy, but he was just a bit too 'mature' sounding here.

I loved how Londalis was described, with the bird's eye view, pretty cool idea. But again, maybe  a little bit too flowery, it doesn't flow back into Aermyst's viewpoint very well, it seems very different. But I really love how the city sounds, I want to go there and see all the cool ruins!

I also didn't like the fit of the Marlin- monk scene, it just randomly popped up, and then disappeared, it didn't really add anything but let us know the religion  alittle. By the way, when Marlin doesn't know

"Maker, and Builder," said the monk

but at the beginning Aermyst says those words(are they used as curses?)

"Maker, and Builder..."

while he was standing right next to Marlin. So I would assume that Marlin would know them. Also, he hung out with mercaneries, so wouldn't he know any word that was used as a curse? Just a little nitpicking.

God, it's good to be back.

Isn't the religion about the Valyrun with different aspects and all that? Did you slip up here, or do they actually use 'god' in that form in your world?

the elevator scene was cool and all, but I find it very hard to believe that it wasn't discovered before, and I would think that it would be more common knowledge, I dunno, I just felt like it was a little convenient while reading that the relic he would go into has an elevator that leads to a bridge to the Sacramency. ( but I can overlook conveniences, without them, what would we write about?) Just nitpicking again here.

One last nitpick, I like the name Londalis, but it seems a little similar to London, and I've read a few other historical fiction where London had names similar to Londalis, and it does draw me out of the book a little bit. Just saying.

Overall, fairly good scene, great city imagery and worldbuilding, I'm starting to get a feel for the area and characters, it just ended a little quick with the elevator.

To Mathom: lol, I wish I did, this is the first time anyone is reading my stuff. You can just message anyone of us and we'll be more than happy to send you the previous ones.

[Reaves]

"Tester, Maker, and Builder..." Nice...

was that sarcasm 

"They had withstood bandit attacks, twice more since Zael had raided the caravan. It had been a nightmare journey of pain and trial. The eery cries of sand panthers had echoed around the camp each night. Three more of the guards had died, one by 'panther attacks and two by raiders."
Really... when did that happen? I could have sworn it was smooth sailing after the creepy guy left... at least one brief like encounter might be helpful.

yeah it happened off screen. I did a lot of jumping around with the timeline in this section. Maybe I should go back and smooth things over a bit.

Edit: You know, I am beginning to notice that I get progressively more sarcastic when I critique people. I guess I felt at first that making it a joke would lessen the blow of some of the less then positive stuff, but now I am wondering if it just ends up sounding cruel. I really don't mean anything by it and I love your story, so I'll try to be more conscious about it next time. Promise.

A bit more in depth: When I read it the first time I didn't notice anything unusually cruel.  I didn't even notice it was mostly sarcasm, I just took it in stride But I guess I'd prefer your thoughts and impressions without the ambiguity of sarcasm.

This then, is Londalis. If the stars had eyes with which to perceive the world below, this is what they would see.

I came back to this part because it bothered me for some reason.  I can’t really say why, but it might be just a bit much.  I just doesn’t seem to fit.

Yeah I might have been a bit too flowery in this chapter. Maybe if I had been writing in a similar style all the way through it might have worked, but I haven't and I won't.

---I thought the chapter started with a bang: "There it is! There it is! I see it!" But it ended with a bit of a whimper.  I would like to see some event happen at the end of the chapter that makes me anxious to read the next chapter.

What, the boring, bland, dull two word sentence at the end didn't have you on the edge of your seat?  Thanks for pointing that out.

---In regards to grammar, it threw me off when you used a semi-colon to denote a list.  It happened a couple of times and each time my mind said, "something is wrong here."

Grammar has never been a strong suit for me. I'm working on it; I think I've finally figured out the difference between ":" ";" and "--"

---I thought the use of a strange language was interesting, but it makes me wary of the narrative.  I haven't read any other chapters so I don't know how much you use a created language, but languages are my second pet-peeve in fantasy writing.  Most writers make up languages in an attempt increase the strangeness of their setting, but almost none can pull it off convincingly because most writers have not studied how a language is constructed.  Tolkien could do it because he was a professor of languages.  Also Tolkein was very careful in his use of made-up languages.  For the most part they don't appear in the actual narrative; they mostly appear in the poems and side-stories that the characters introduce, or that are found in the appendix.  I would advise care with your use of strange tongues.

Alright. I haven't put much thought to it in my previous chapters, but I think this is the first time I used a created language. I'll make sure to use it extremely sparingly, I don't foresee it being very important.

---Some of the discussion about the wars between neighboring kingdoms had me lost.  I don't know if you introduced these people in an earlier chapter.  If you did, maybe others weren't so lost.  If you haven't introduced them before, it is too much discussion about people I really don't care about.

Really? I assume you are referring to the bit about the war between the Tiger of Achera and Nazreeb? I thought it was only a sentence or two. Was it really too much?

---" . . . spoken in a language dead and buried, with moss on the headstone and nothing but dust and spiders in the grave."  While I thought this a clever turn of phrase, I also felt it didn't fit with the narrative.  It's a dead language. Ok.

This meshes with Necroben's comment; too flowery   

Thanks everyone for your comments!! As always I greatly appreciate you guys taking the time to read this. Frog, Ben, and Hamster, I'll be getting to your submissions soon!!

[Frog]

"Tester, Maker, and Builder..." Nice...

was that sarcasm 

No that one was sincere. It seemed natural and brought in some world building.

Edit: You know, I am beginning to notice that I get progressively more sarcastic when I critique people. I guess I felt at first that making it a joke would lessen the blow of some of the less then positive stuff, but now I am wondering if it just ends up sounding cruel. I really don't mean anything by it and I love your story, so I'll try to be more conscious about it next time. Promise.

A bit more in depth: When I read it the first time I didn't notice anything unusually cruel.  I didn't even notice it was mostly sarcasm, I just took it in stride But I guess I'd prefer your thoughts and impressions without the ambiguity of sarcasm.

Well noted. I'll work on it. (Bad, Frog. Bad!)

[Mathom]

---Some of the discussion about the wars between neighboring kingdoms had me lost.  I don't know if you introduced these people in an earlier chapter.  If you did, maybe others weren't so lost.  If you haven't introduced them before, it is too much discussion about people I really don't care about.

Really? I assume you are referring to the bit about the war between the Tiger of Achera and Nazreeb? I thought it was only a sentence or two. Was it really too much?

I'd have to reread that part to be sure, but I remember the guards mentioning two or three princes, a couple of different countries, and a couple of different peoples (as in nationalities).  It may only have been a couple of paragraphs, but I remember my mind glazing over that bit because I read about all these names and places I didn't care about.  If those people and places aren't going to be important later, then you might have the guards be more general in their conversation.  As I said, I thought the bit about the destruction of Hallastan effective for making me worry about Ilis.

[Reaves]

alright thanks for the clarification 

[Flo_the_G]

Haven't read the other comments here so disregard if appropriate: How did the news of Hallastan(?) being raided reach Londalis before Aermyst's caravan did?

[Reaves]

Haven't read the other comments here so disregard if appropriate: How did the news of Hallastan(?) being raided reach Londalis before Aermyst's caravan did?

good question I'm surprised anyone caught that. It has to do with the relics. I think I explain it in a couple chapters.

[jwdenzel]

I'm slowly catching up.  Now I'm only.... 5? 6? chapters behind. 

Aermyst shaded his eyes against the sun and breathed a weary sigh of relief. The last of the desert had been left behind a week past. They had survived.

<snark>Yeah, it felt like they were out there forever</snark> ;-)

Three more of the guards had died, one by 'panther attacks and...

Wait a sec.... did I miss something? You promised us sand panthers and the only time they attack it happened off-camera.       

This then, is Londalis.

OK. 

First, I loved your writing here. You did a remarkable job of carrying us down into the city, and through all the stuff we see.  About mid-way through this section the prose started to lose some of its grace. It almost felt like you were flowing with the poetry, but then put the brakes on so you could say things like "Uh, oh yeah, they had to put scaffolding over there in order to live.".  It was like a tour guide who was doign great, and then had to answer somebody's logical question that was off-script.  (Did that make sense?)

Also, the first half of this section felt like I was being carried through the city. In the later part, it jumped around a little more.  Consider looking for that smooth grace you had to start with.

In this discussion thread you asked us if the city's description worked.  I'm not sure it does.  Yes, the writing is well done.  But this is the first time in the story (that I recall) in which we have a truly detached third person omniscient narrator.   Perhaps if you had established in earlier chapters another POV like this?

Finally regarding this section, the return to Aermyst was a bit jarring.  I think this might go back to the smoothness of the ride you were taking us on.  You took us into the city and eventually to the Sacramency (cool word, btw... you've got all sorts of neat Christian references in this novel)... consider maybe finishing the ride by returning to Aermyst?  Heck, maybe the skitterfly is what takes us through the city?

An ever-swirling whirlpool, frozen into silvered glass. It has no city blocks, no districts, no divisions of any kind. It is a spider's web sparkling with morning dew, each thread expanding wider and wider to form the basis of the web.

I really like this description.  Just be aware that you used the term "morning dew" twice in a short amount of time. 

However, the boy was nearly the first thing Aermyst saw when he entered the city.

If Aermyst just saw him

Aermyst watched Marlin nod slowly. "Some," he said. "Traveler, Tester, Forger, Avenger, Protector..." his voice trailed off. "I...I don't know the rest."

Ohh oooh!  Pick me!  Pick me!  I know! It's Maker and Builder!

"Maker, and Builder," said the monk. "Do you know what they mean?" he asked kindly.

Yay!  I was right... but no, I have no idea what they are.  Tell me...

The voice gradually became a dull murmur that blended in with the rest of the crowd.

Rats. I was hoping to find out.

Marlin seemed excited

Show. Don't tell.  Besides, last we saw him, he looked worried by entering the city. Not excited.

"The realm fares well," the lieutenant answered.

If that's a formal answer, I'd expect it to be in the Old Tongue ancient language Aermyst used.

He looked yearningly at the Sacramency, then ducked into the needletower, following the skitterfly.

This works well.  The skitterfly is trying to get home.  Well done.  I get it.

What doesn't really work for me is how easy if twas to find the elevator and bump the controls on.  I would believe it, but only if the skitterfly lead him to a place that was much more clearly abandoned.  It would seem to me that if a city had stood "dead" for centuries or whatever, the modern people would have already poked, prodded, and touched every single possible surface by now.  This just seemed too easy.

For a second, nothing happened. Then with a slow whine the symbols flickered out of existence and the small glow beneath his palm died. Aermyst sighed, dissapointed.
   And then the room came to life. 

That little delay was well played!  Nice job. (Check your spelling though: "disappointed")

...cold, unyielding stone brick of the streets.

Brick? In a city of ethersteel and other advanced technology?


For the last section of the chapter... great imagery!   

On the bridge... it was a little awkard for me when you described the skitterfly having trouble with the wind.  I had to re-read a few times to get the idea.

Also, I kept wanting him to lose his balance.  Jut to make things more interesting.  But perhaps I'm just overly cruel to characters.

The bridge itself could use some more description. Is it truly a bridge? If so, why are there no railings?  (Maybe there's a valid reason, but I'd love to have it answered in the text)

Finally... the finest compliment I offer this chapter is that this is the FIRST time in your novel in which I really, really, REALLY want to know what happens next. You totally have me hooked.   And you're saying it's capital-A Awesome, so I'm going to read it right....now.

(Great work!!!)