Author Topic: 2-24-2009, Realm Walker, Chapters 2 and 3  (Read 941 times)

Miyabi

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2-24-2009, Realm Walker, Chapters 2 and 3
« on: February 24, 2009, 07:22:23 PM »
Sorry about the delay.  I lost my jump drive.

xD
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Frog

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Re: 2-24-2009, Realm Walker, Chapters 2 and 3
« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2009, 12:47:08 AM »
Okay, this is a mix of all your stuff after the prologue.

Thoughts While Reading:
First off, sentences seem a bit fluffy. Like this one: "Brendon swung his legs off the edge of the watery mass that formed the bed he had been sleeping on." Could easily be "Brendon swung his legs off the edge of the watery mass that formed his bed." Or something similar.

I love the concept (I'm biased because elements play a huge role in my magic system too) but this first section reads a bit too much like an infodump. You need some kind of conflict right up front. Doesn't have to be major, but it needs to be there. An argument, an debate or maybe if they actually showed some stress about being late or lack of magical ability; you know, just something.

Sharks ARE fish. Is there a special reason your emphasizing them?

His explanation on Movements lost me a bit, especially since I was under the impression that he couldn't work magic at all... mostly the conversation just doesn't seem to flow naturally enough.
If it is so easy for him to point out the flaws in their defense it is a bit unbelievable. Either he's a super genius or everyone else there are idiots.

Unless your going omniscient, you drop POV when Brandon comes in in Chp 2.

I'm a bit confused on the relationship of the different magical specialties. Are they waring or parts of the same order?

I kind of wish you would have put the scene with him being chosen first. It feels like a good introduction to your world with a very tangible conflict.

Some of the things you mention seem a little out of place to me... Jeans... vermin in the halls....

Overall Impression:
Okay first off I can see lots of potential in your world and in your magic system. It is a lot of fun and it is interesting too. So interesting that I might be able to forgive you a few things like the dreaded blurbs at the beginning that I usually frown on. That said, I saw very few things in the story that gave me a strong feeling for your characters, conflict or anything that would take it out of info dump mode. With your characters, I would just suggest you say your dialogue out loud and get a really good feel of who your character is and how they would talk and interact with others. And for bringing out story and conflict I guess it depends on where your going with this. If it is a school story in a fantasy setting that is fine. I like them and there is plenty of market for that, but everything seems too settled for it to work the way it is right now, so I would show a lot of the things you summed up for us (Brenden being chosen, not being able to use his magic, being teased and then befriended by Amber, and on and on) because it will just feel closer and more engaging. If the major conflict is external to the school, you got to show hints of that early on and tighten/weed though the individual training/studying scenes so it moves faster. Making a mental list of each scene's plot points might help you in that area. At least those are my suggestions.
So to sum up, I loved your world, now bring out your story.
Great Work!
I've already conquered the world. This is exactly the way I want it.

Miyabi

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Re: 2-24-2009, Realm Walker, Chapters 2 and 3
« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2009, 12:55:36 AM »
Thanks.

This run through I'm basically just throwing it on the page as I think of it.  Major re-organization and revision needs to be done, but hey.  It's my first writing experience on a major scale. ha ha.
オレは長超猿庁じゃ〜。

Necroben

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Re: 2-24-2009, Realm Walker, Chapters 2 and 3
« Reply #3 on: February 27, 2009, 01:16:51 AM »
…and sighed at how flat her chest was.

This line seems out of place.  Might be too much information just now.

She would tell herself…

Seems like the wrong tense.

He looked at her as she half smiled, he could always do that to her no matter her mood.

What, look?

What are you, a nerd?

Nerd seems out of place.  Is this world the same as ours or a different one?

Brendon half interruptd…

How do you half interrupte?  I thought was all or nothing.

…a small bubble covered her nose, mouth, and ears in the shape of a mask.  They swam silently for nearly an hour.

If the bubble is that small, wouldn’t they run out of air rather quickly?  And what about the sharks?

She struggles with…

Her, or maybe, struggled?

His voice sounded disappointed to Amber so, despite herself, she stood and stretched her now half-stiff muscles.

Why does his disappointment matter?  For lack of a better word, this sentence seems, clunky.

The plants nearest her feat and those brushing against her legs…

Feet

“OK, but if I’m right then you totally have to admit that…

While they do admittedly sound young, it feels wrong for the setting.  I don’t want to say that they’re out of character, but the way they speak isn’t in line with what has been revealed of the world.

So far not too bad, but with the multiple POV’s I’m really not into either character just yet.  For the first chapter it was Brendon and now it’s Amber, I don’t know whom I’m pulling for and consequently I don’t care for either of them.  Now don’t get me wrong they’re likeable, but nothings happened to make me care about them yet.  Your magic system is really intriguing and I look forward to seeing how you implement it later on.
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Miyabi

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Re: 2-24-2009, Realm Walker, Chapters 2 and 3
« Reply #4 on: February 27, 2009, 01:22:39 AM »
What are you, a nerd?

Nerd seems out of place.  Is this world the same as ours or a different one?

Firstly, thanks for all the comments.  I'll keep them in mind as I continue to write.

As for this I'll quote Card (Kind of, I don't remember his exact words)

Quote from: Orson Scott Card
I could fill this world with knew words and phrases.  For instance they may call a pair of shoes a bringswack, but that is not friendly to the reader.  I leave left words you would see in day to day language here as to not overwhelm the reader.


So the quote is no where near exact, I just wanted the point of the statement and I can't find my copy of Ender's Game anywhere.

I could have called him many things, but then you'd want to know what that word meant and would worry about that for too long.
オレは長超猿庁じゃ〜。