Q1: I guess now that I think about it I can't remember you actually giving a set gender, but to me An'Nainin seemed male and Hogosha, female.
Q2: The curiosity...maybe overdone. To me it seemed basically the whole point of this "chapter". If you added much more I would say overdone. I didn't even notice the bit about being unable to think outside the present, so you did a good job on that!
Q3: The characters felt very real to me. I loved how you described Hogosha's various expressions.
Q4: I would say that you do not want to be forced to give definitions to unknown words by means of footnotes. I think most people will probably know san and sama, or will figure it out a couple chapters in. Some of the rest can easily be given; the definition of Hogosha can be pretty seamlessly woven in and once we know that, we get the general idea of what An'Nainin means. For the rest...I suppose its your choice, but I would try to avoid giving the definitions by way of footnotes.
I screamed as my body cut through the air, falling as the world I had just become aware of became a blur.
Good sentence but the become --> became is distracting.
The seconds becoming years, the regrets coming to the surface of your conscious, and the pain of lost times.
nice!
. I suppose I lacked the comprehension to have regrets, or I had no experiences to regret, or I landed too soon.
I laughed.
As I howled in agony, I noticed my dry throat and sore stomach.
I noticed you've been giving us a lot of sensory details. Good job! But some of them seem placed oddly. Not really sure why.
I thought I should mention here that the first few paragraphs seem like a flashback, with the future An'Nainin giving us commentary on what is happening, then you jump right into child An'Nainin. Except you didn't really let us know what was going on. For me the drool came out of nowhere. I had no idea the character had just been "born" or whatever.
Also some of your descriptions seem really odd. After the fact, knowing that your character is a child experiencing the world for the first time, I can see where you were going, but that just makes them seem more odd.
The liquid was clear, and I realized that it had come from my own mouth. Its gaping state had allowed the liquid free.
I don't think a child would describe it like this.
The branch, as thick as my arm at its base, white and sinewy was connected on the tips to wide, flat, black planes: leafs.
This also seemed a bit odd. Maybe use simpler words, ie take out "sinewy" and "planes". And also its "leaves" not leafs lol
because I’m speaking in the Toshiue tongue you can’t understand me.” It shook its head.
This was also a bit confusing at first. You tell us what Hogosha was saying, but not the viewpoint character. It was a bit odd.
Overall great job! You kept me interested throughout. If you are tackling your story from the perspective of someone with the experiences of a child but the body of an adult it will be fascinating! I can't really think of too many stories done from that point of view. The closest thing I can think of was the movie
Island. I am very interested to see your actual story!!
