2-16-09 Reaves, Crystalheart Chs 9-10

[Reaves]

Next installment is here. I think both of these chapters are good. As I mentioned in the email, do you think I should give another desert scene before they make it to Londalis? I promise, you will see sand panthers either way
As always, thanks for reading and for giving me your thoughts. You guys are great!

[Revast]

First I want to preface my comments with the fact that this is the first of your story I have read. I skimmed your synopses, but this is my first foray in to your writing.

I really, really enjoyed it!

The last scene with Marlin was very poignant, you can almost feel the child questioning the world around him and growing harder himself as he begins to realize it isn't such a wonderful place.

No, the only thing I have to look forward to is cold, hard sanity.

Loved that line.

I did have a question as to why you had Illis Myrelion's viewpoint as a sort of flashback? At first I thought we were going to see the battle that had decimated the caravan. I know I haven't read any of the story before, and maybe she is character in a total different setting, but I still don't understand why it is 5 days earlier? Why not just put her viewpoint at the beginning of the chapter and avoid the flashback? Maybe there is a reason I'm not seeing.

He lifted his mouth from her wrist and looked her in the eyes, admiring the lines of her cheekbone.

This seems like a minor loss of viewpoint to me. I don't know how Illis would know that he was admiring her cheek bones. He could have eyes full of lust, or even affection (though that would seem strange for the events occurring) but I don't think she would be able to tell what part of her face he was admiring. (minor point)

Otherwise I really enjoyed your writing. It isn't cluttered with unnecessary details or conversation. In fact it at times feels like it doesn't have quite enough, but I strangely don't mind. It just leaves me wanting to know more. Great job!

[Reaves]

I did have a question as to why you had Illis Myrelion's viewpoint as a sort of flashback? At first I thought we were going to see the battle that had decimated the caravan. I know I haven't read any of the story before, and maybe she is character in a total different setting, but I still don't understand why it is 5 days earlier? Why not just put her viewpoint at the beginning of the chapter and avoid the flashback? Maybe there is a reason I'm not seeing.

Oh yeah. I should have mentioned that in the original post, but...
Last chapter was the main "battle" scene where the caravan was attacked. Ilis' scene happened 4 days before that, so if I was writing chronologically it should be somewhere in chapter 7, or at the beginning of chapter 8. However, I wanted Zael to be a complete surprise. Although the attack on the caravan was heavily foreshadowed, the readers could have had no idea Zael would be leading it. It would have defused the tension a bit, I think.

[Hamster]

Nice work again Reaves!

I find myself looking forward to getting your story each week now, and it still isn't enough. Now I'm really getting curious with Tristan being an angel, very interesting development. I liked how Aermyst was forced into the position of leader, being someone important for the first time since he was soulless, even if it's a wee bit cliche. And I loved the dialogue between Marlin and Aermyst, how a ten year old made Aermyst feel uncomfortable about killing.

Now that that's out of the way, let the meanness begin! 
Actually, I don't have much to say...but I have to say something, so I'll be nitpicky.
I didn't really enjoy the Ilis scene that much, I haven't connected with her character at all yet, and this didn't do much to make me care for her. I feel like I should be, but just can't.  And I'm really sorry, but I really really think you should drop the line,

"He took one look at her. "Not what I'd thought to find," he said to himself. "A desert flower-"

because I feel like I have read or heard that line before, I find it extremely cliche in a bad way, the whole 'desert flower remark and then girl slaps guy and he laughs and is more drawn to her'. I think you could make it work, just try to stray a little farther from the cliche here. On this topic, I didn't feel like anything came out of the whole Zael, Ilis part, the plot didn't move forward, not much characterization, it seemed like you wanted to throw in a scene with her. I feel like it could be maybe taken out and maybe summed up later in a converstation.
Don't get me wrong, it was written well, but I thought something more meaningful should have happened.

My last complaint is that is seemed too short! I wanted to read alot more than what you gave, six pages isn't enough for me! Also, it seems a little incomplete,  so please get off the fence, and add more to this chapter(s). I think it would really add alot.  Thanks for sharing!

[Frog]

Sorry, week's been more hectic than usual, so this is a bit rushed, but here it is anyway so you know I am still reading and cheering. Feel free to ask me for clarification and I'll get back to it... someday.

Thoughts While Reading:
You say 'leaderless' twice. I'd say once was enough.

Your in Aermyst's pov, so does Aearmyst know Marlin's name? He could have learned it, but honestly I don't remember his first introduction very well....

I wouldn't say 'ashamed' since you already described the action- 'he looked away.'

The creepy guy's an angel! And Aermyst doesn't seem to care all that much.... Might want to go deeper with that....

Again, I would have liked a bigger bond set between Marlin and Aermyst especially if Tristan's going to use him as a guilt trip now, but character interaction was very good at the end of section.... Even Tristan's

I know you tell us it is five days earlier, but this is a little disorientating since we were left to think that Ilis was long gone; traveling and whatnot.

So Zeal's here? That brings back the time disorientated feel thing to me. Was he here before or after the attack? Sorry, someday you are going to have to deal with the illiterate masses, so might as well start now, right?

'"Never," she hissed.' I'd like to see you try to hiss a word w/o an 's'....

"The boy seemed to have a desperate need to be useful." I'd rather you drop the 'seemed to' and just let Aermyst make the judgment; it is his POV, right?

Another good character scene for Aermyst. But you never mentioned Tristan again. Did he fly away or just walk like an normal person?

Overall Impression:

These were better scenes in the character department, so lots of points from me. I may be on the fence with you on the desert scene. I hate fluff so if there is nothing more to say, there is nothing more to say, but if you think of anything good, the scene is short enough that you probably could get away with it. Good Luck!

[Reaves]

Thanks for the feedback guys, sorry for taking so long to respond!!

I should have mentioned in my original post, I am dividing Crystalheart into three sections. Part one is titled Wingless.

Also, Tristan is not actually an angel with wings from heaven. Its more of a metaphor. Was that confusing? Some of your comments made me think you thought Tristan was being literal.

Otherwise lots of great sentence-and-paragraph level advice. Great! Thanks in bunches!!

[Hamster]

I actually did think that Tristan was literally an angel( though I didn't know what angels were in your world), maybe that was just me, but I think you might need to clarify that point.

Btw, now that it's not exactly literal, I'm even more intrigued .And on top of that, you're not even submitting this week! That's just cruel. 

Randomness: As soon as you mentioned 'Wingless' I remembered, there was some series about Merlin I read when I was younger where he was in some strange land, and he found out that all humans there used to have wings, but got them taken away, and he could still remember them.

Wow, I'm good at getting random unintentional similarites to other books, anyhow, looking forward to next week!

[Necroben]

Also, Tristan is not actually an angel with wings from heaven. Its more of a metaphor. Was that confusing? Some of your comments made me think you thought Tristan was being literal.

I didn't take this to be a metaphor at all.  So it is a little confusing, especially if Aermyst is also an Angel.  His broken wings are a metaphor based on a metaphor?

Unfortunately, I have to say that I haven't connected with Ilis yet either.  Maybe go back 6 or 7 days to her POV.  That way we'll have some investment into her well being and care if she will do as she's told.  At this point I'm just not there yet, nor do I yet care about the city or it's residents.

[Frog]

Also, Tristan is not actually an angel with wings from heaven. Its more of a metaphor. Was that confusing? Some of your comments made me think you thought Tristan was being literal.

Actually, knowing that it is a metaphor makes me more upset than intrigued at this point and I don't see why Aermyst would stand for it either. We're all ready to know what his deal is and all we get is a metaphor? Stupid creepy guy!
So yes. More clarification would be helpful.

[jwdenzel]

Have no fear, Reaves... I'm behind, but not abandoning you!

First paragraph:

Leaderless, they had broken up into tiny bands that fought or ran as they saw fit.

Who are they fighting? If each other... why? They just fought a big battle against raiders. They raiders left. Why would they fight each other?

"It's alright," Aermyst had said hollowly as he carried the boy back to the camp. He patted him on the back. "It's going to be alright..."... Marlin looked up at him with big brown eyes. Aermyst had to look away, ashamed. He didn't want the boy to see the lie in his eyes.

Good stuff.  You get points for showing some character insight.  Maybe just go deeper?  You have a great opportunity here to explore your theme of "A man with no heart."  He says that line "Hollowly". Like as though he has a hollow heart?  Consider taking us (the reader) in further so we can get to know what Aermyst is feeling. We already know a lot of what he thinks, but I want to know more about what he feels. Explore that. It's far more interesting IMO than desert merchants running amok. 

And not to poo-poo that otherwise nice scene... but why does Aermyst pick him up?  He just sorta does it.  His motivations could be a little more clear.

"No, you don't understand what I mean. I'm an angel," Tristan insisted. "Can't you see my wings?" Tristan spread his arms wide and the wind grabbed at his cloak.

I'm confused. Is he a supernatural being without wings? Or just a protective person with knife skillz?  When Aermyst said he wanted answers with "no more evasions", I was hoping Tristian would deliver on that.  But it seems like we still have more questions than answers about Tristian.

"You're a madman," Aermyst said. "You realize that, don't you? You're insane. Why should I do what you want?" / "Because if you don't, these people will die."

Obviously this is an important plot point here. And you've got the makings of a good conflict for Aermyst ("Should I leave or help these people?").  But I confess I am still having a hard time reading his overall motivations.  In earlier chapters he's a killer who hardly blinks at taking multiple lives.  In this chapter, one minute he's a bleeding-heart child rescuer, and the next, he's selfishly obsessed with how he "was so close" to getting his soul back.  My question is:  which does he care for more?

For Ilis... I like the creepy scene with Zael. Although Ilis still falls flat and one dimensional IMO. I'm trying to put a finger on why she feels that way to me. I think it has to do with how every scene, and most of the individual moments with her, somehow involve her attractive looks, her romantic feelings for somebody else, or somebody else's feelings for her.  In this scene, for example, we start by reflecting on her pretty voice and hands, then she muses about the bow in her hair that Aermyst gave her, and then we have a bad guy kissing on her arms and calling her a fiery flower.  It sorta feels cliche.

Those were almost worse, gangly and skinny, but with an ear-bursting cry.

huh. Sounds like my 3 year old son. 

"I know," Aermyst said. "It will get better."
"No," Marlin said. He picked up a stone in his fist and squeezed. "No, it won't."

I loved this entire scene with Aermyst and Marlin.  The blocking could be a little smoother in places, but in terms of the big picture... awesome.  Great work there.  Now give us that conflict and angst in your fight scenes! (Rather than the mostly blow-by-blow we've seen in the past)

Your story-telling skills are getting better, Reaves.  Good stuff.  I'm going to try and catch up with your other chapters as quickly as time allows.

J

[Reaves]

First paragraph:

Leaderless, they had broken up into tiny bands that fought or ran as they saw fit.

Who are they fighting? If each other... why? They just fought a big battle against raiders. They raiders left. Why would they fight each other?

What I was trying to say was that some mercs fulfilled their contract to protect the caravan against the raiders, and some just ran. I guess that sentence needs some work

"It's alright," Aermyst had said hollowly as he carried the boy back to the camp. He patted him on the back. "It's going to be alright..."... Marlin looked up at him with big brown eyes. Aermyst had to look away, ashamed. He didn't want the boy to see the lie in his eyes.

Good stuff.  You get points for showing some character insight.  Maybe just go deeper?  You have a great opportunity here to explore your theme of "A man with no heart."  He says that line "Hollowly". Like as though he has a hollow heart?  Consider taking us (the reader) in further so we can get to know what Aermyst is feeling. We already know a lot of what he thinks, but I want to know more about what he feels. Explore that. It's far more interesting IMO than desert merchants running amok. 

I guess you like that theme, huh In all seriousness, thanks for continuing to hammer on this point. I can see that it is important and is definitely something I need to pursue much further than I have.

"No, you don't understand what I mean. I'm an angel," Tristan insisted. "Can't you see my wings?" Tristan spread his arms wide and the wind grabbed at his cloak.

I'm confused. Is he a supernatural being without wings? Or just a protective person with knife skillz?  When Aermyst said he wanted answers with "no more evasions", I was hoping Tristian would deliver on that.  But it seems like we still have more questions than answers about Tristian.

Yes. I can see that line is confusing a lot of people. It definitely wasn't meant to explain anything, but its confusing everyone in the wrong ways
I will just say here, that the wing thing is a bit of a motif I'm putting in. Its almost like an analogy to being a crystalheart.

For Ilis... I like the creepy scene with Zael. Although Ilis still falls flat and one dimensional IMO. I'm trying to put a finger on why she feels that way to me. I think it has to do with how every scene, and most of the individual moments with her, somehow involve her attractive looks, her romantic feelings for somebody else, or somebody else's feelings for her.  In this scene, for example, we start by reflecting on her pretty voice and hands, then she muses about the bow in her hair that Aermyst gave her, and then we have a bad guy kissing on her arms and calling her a fiery flower.  It sorta feels cliche.

That is a very astute observation. I had definitely not realized that about every scene with Ilis.
Last week I decided that Ilis pretty much needs a complete rework. I've been trying to save her plot, but its really not working. Her basic character will probably stay about the same with maybe a bit of spunk added, but I'm giving her an entirely new background. I'll explain this a bit further whenever I send out my next submission.

I loved this entire scene with Aermyst and Marlin.  The blocking could be a little smoother in places, but in terms of the big picture... awesome.  Great work there.  Now give us that conflict and angst in your fight scenes! (Rather than the mostly blow-by-blow we've seen in the past)

Just to clarify, by blocking you mean presentation of the setting, right?
(And yes, good call about the fight scenes. When I think of fight scenes in other books that I absolutely loved, they sometimes were blow-by-blow but the parts that said EPIC were like that because of all the internal conflict and emotion in them.)

Thanks, your words are liquid pearls of writing ambrosia! (okay, maybe not but close.)

[SarahG]

Ilis still falls flat and one dimensional IMO. I'm trying to put a finger on why she feels that way to me. I think it has to do with how every scene, and most of the individual moments with her, somehow involve her attractive looks, her romantic feelings for somebody else, or somebody else's feelings for her. 

I haven't read any Crystalheart, so I don't know how well this applies, but I'm reminded of a feminist's opinion I once heard for what makes a movie worth watching:

1) at least two named female characters
2) who have at least one conversation with each other
3) about something other than a man

When I heard this list, I found it amusingly basic, but on further thought, it's amazing how many movies don't reach even this apparently low standard.  I think the same concept can apply to books.  Give your female characters something to do, something to think, something to say, besides just being the romantic interest.

[jwdenzel]

Just to clarify, by blocking you mean presentation of the setting, right?

By blocking, I mean the phsical movements and placement of the characters.  Being a filmmaker, I borrowed that term. In movies, a director will "block" the actors by telling them where to move, what cues to take , etc.  My point with my comment was that some of the movement ...Aermyst and Marlin looking into each others eyes, dropping their gaze, etc... was a bit awkward in places.

(And yes, good call about the fight scenes. When I think of fight scenes in other books that I absolutely loved, they sometimes were blow-by-blow but the parts that said EPIC were like that because of all the internal conflict and emotion in them.)

I've always enjoyed battles in which the external conflict was simply a mirror or extension of the internal conflict that the characters were going through.  Brandon Sanderson does this very well in Mistborn, in the second book in particular.

Thanks, your words are liquid pearls of writing ambrosia! (okay, maybe not but close.)

LOL.  Yum.

[jwdenzel]

I haven't read any Crystalheart, so I don't know how well this applies, but I'm reminded of a feminist's opinion I once heard for what makes a movie worth watching:

1) at least two named female characters
2) who have at least one conversation with each other
3) about something other than a man

I love it.  Thanks for sharing this.  Great insight.

[SarahG]

You're welcome.  I've always liked that quote.  I don't entirely agree with it, of course - some of my favorite stories and movies don't meet the standard.  Lord of the Rings, for instance - I don't remember any of the women interacting with each other.  Even in Mistborn, do Vin and Tindwyl ever talk to each other or to other women?  I suppose some of the ball scenes would count, if I could remember any of those noblewomen's names, or the content of their conversations.

(Sorry to take your thread off on a tangent, Reaves.)