2-16-09 Aspirations Miranda chapters 2-3

[Necroben]

Miranda and Jason were attacked after they left dinner with her parents.  Using her own innate powers, Miranda tracks down the thug who made off with Jason's unconscious body.  Finally resorting to torture, she finds that the thug has no idea where Jason went.  After the surprise attack from the thug, Miranda uses up the last of her depleted reserves of power to heal herself.  Weak, in pain, and in no mood to deal with family issues; Miranda did not greet her father at that moment with her usual enthusiasm.
—start dialogue—

Thanks for reading, blast away, and enjoy!

[Frog]

Yea! Miranda time!
Thoughts while Reading:
nitpick: daddy should be capitalized.
Okay, dialogue seems to run a bit too long and you are over tagging it a bit. I would suggest breaking it up with some description of body language, setting... anything really.
Who's Uncle Rupert, and what does he have to do with anything?
And who is Adam?
So is Uncle Rupert 'the Stranger'?
And Adam is her brother....
What is their family business? They are all vampires so I can assume it's sinister....
Overall impression:
Well, I am afraid I don't have much for you today, other then to tell you that I felt a bit lost while reading this. A lot of that may be that I didn't read the early sections and it has been a long time since we read anything about Miranda, and  I think I got the main points, but I just feel that the scenes could use some fleshing out to make them clearer. Try to use all the different senses in your descriptions and world build as you go. I like Miranda's character a lot, but another thing I might suggest is to bring out some of her racial tendencies. You know, some more characterization to really show us that she is not quite human.  Good Luck!

[Revast]

Right, so I haven't ready any of your story before, and your synopsis didn't seem to give me enough.

I don't understand what is going on. I know that the Mirand's boyfriend has been kidnapped, or sucked into hell somehow. I know that her dad is some kind of demon or vampire or evil wizard? I know that going to hell is dangerous (why would someone ever think such a thing wasn't?). And I know there is some kind of family business in a house that is strangely changing.

Now the problem is there is something that I wrote above that probably isn't true, and I have to think that it is because I missed chapter one that I am so lost. However it must have been a chapter full of detail for me to feel this confused in just chapter 2.

Some thoughts:

Why is she calling him Daddy? I'm getting the impression that she is at least a teenager if not older. And to me the term Daddy smacks of adolescence (IE. 12 and under). Now I'm not saying is has to, but when I first started reading I thought I was in a child's viewpoint, then come to find out she is dealing with demons and hell and used to be 13 so... ya I was confused.

To much labeling of your dialogue without other descriptions. Throw in more body language, or scene description around ," Daddy said. Or, just leave off the labeling. At times it isn't necessary. It is two people having a conversation, so a new paragraph can inform us that someone else is talking, especially in an argument.

I am interested in the story, but feel like maybe this is one of those stories that I can't adequately critique without reading the prior chapter. There are hints at great things behind the curtain, and I'm looking forward to getting a peak.

I hope this helps in some way, though I doubt it. 

[Necroben]

Okay, dialogue seems to run a bit too long and you are over tagging it a bit. I would suggest breaking it up with some description of body language, setting... anything really.

Is the tagging too much, or is it the descriptive tagging?  I'm getting a little confused, some people have said one submission was ok on tagging while another had too much, but there was no difference in the way I had it placed.  Except for descriptive tagging, that's the only one I've played with.

Right, so I haven't ready any of your story before, and your synopsis didn't seem to give me enough.

Why is she calling him Daddy? I'm getting the impression that she is at least a teenager if not older. And to me the term Daddy smacks of adolescence (IE. 12 and under). Now I'm not saying is has to, but when I first started reading I thought I was in a child's viewpoint, then come to find out she is dealing with demons and hell and used to be 13 so... ya I was confused.

Unfortunately you’ve missed about 30k words of submission so far.  And I didn’t submit Miranda’s part of the story in sequence (I didn’t know it then), so it bound to be a little confusing as it ties in to the rest of the story.

Daddy is a cultural thing.  While she’s not that young physically, her father has spoiled her for most of her life.  I wanted to give the impression of growing maturity with Miranda as the story moves along, slowly tapering its use off.  Oops!

[Frog]

Okay, dialogue seems to run a bit too long and you are over tagging it a bit. I would suggest breaking it up with some description of body language, setting... anything really.

Is the tagging too much, or is it the descriptive tagging?  I'm getting a little confused, some people have said one submission was ok on tagging while another had too much, but there was no difference in the way I had it placed.  Except for descriptive tagging, that's the only one I've played with.

It's bound to be a bit confusing since I wavered a bit back and forth with you on this too (in some of the sections I felt you went overboard one way, and than other). Unfortunately, it is all very subjective and a matter of current flow. Here are some of my rule of thumbs though, take it or leave it.
 
When you use tags, use 'said' more than anything else (though I would never be so bold as to eliminate ALL descriptive tags) and try to express tone by body language (so and so smiled, so and so winced, so and so nodded, so and so looked this way or that way... people who are communicating well will keep eye contact, nod, and wait for each other to finish. Those that aren't will yell, be focused on another activity or interrupting each other) or phrasing of the text in question (dialect, diction and so forth). If you put descriptive action like this near the dialogue (which I would suggest you do a bit more of) you don't need a tag . If you are going back and forth between two people with distinctive voices, you can drop the tags or anything else but the quotes every few lines. If the dialogue goes long, add some related action or world building details (throwing them in here and there leads to less obvious info dumps). And of course there is matters of pacing too in dialogue as in everything else (dramatic/slow scenes describe everything, fast/action describe as little as possible).

At least that has been my experience, though I'm sure you've seen areas where I could improve in this area as well, so other 'experts' are more than welcome to chime in and prove me wrong.

[Revast]

Unfortunately you’ve missed about 30k words of submission so far. 

Seriously? before chapter 2 there is 30k words? wow

then ya I guess it makes sense that I was confused.

[Necroben]

Sorry, that was chapter 2 of Miranda's POV.  I have another character, Jason, who's POV has 30k already.  They should switch back and forth, but I haven't decided the order quite yet.

[Reaves]

I love the way you explore the idea of a vampire family. Its great.

Besides, you never let me date anyone for long.  You’ve never liked anybody.  Always driving them away with your threats to kill them.

Great line!!
made even greater by the follow-up:

“But Uncle Rupert?” daddy asked.
“What’s done is done,” I said.
“But the cost?  Did you even think ab—?” he asked.

No...not Uncle Rupert!!!! Ahhh!! It gets slightly less funny when we find out that actually there is a reason to avoid Uncle Rupert, but still.

I was a little bit skeptical of the scene of father-daughter bonding. It didn't quite seem real or motivated.

Oh yeah. Also, why does Miranda care so much about Jason? I thought she really disliked him and the situation he had put her in.
I wasn't all that interested in the rune-drawing scene, but I felt I was supposed to be.

There is a long paragraph as they get into the limo where it seems kinda like, "he did this, then she did that, then they got into the limo, blah blah blah."

You might need to take another look at some of the dialogue.

Miranda starts to explain a bit to her father about why she cares so much about Jason, but I'm not really sure whether she actually loves him or if she just doesn't want to die by not fulfilling the price of the wish.

Very nice description of the Atrium. Very cool. Are we supposed to know/remember what the Atrium is though? I'm afraid I don't

The ending conversation about "the family business" is very intriguing. That's not something we're supposed to know too, are we?
I think you did a good job of giving the father more of a "stern leader mode" while he was explaining what was going on. I'm interested in Miranda's story.

[jwdenzel]

Hey Ben,

Two good chapters. I can't say I was enthralled with every word, but the important thing is that you kept things moving and you had some good conflict in there.  Miranda's challenges with her father and brother are really well done.

Some small notes:

I nodded my head mutely

I noticed a lot of adverbs ('mutely' for example) in this chapter.  It's a nitpick, but maybe just  consider using stronger descriptions than that.

“When Rupert left to find… someone important to him, he fought a Deamion to free her; it was a fight he couldn’t win.  But he made a deal, his soul as familiar and in return the Deamion sent the woman back,” he said.

Whoa-ho!  A twist!  The plot thickens!  Cool stuff.

“You didn’t speak with Rupert physically, just an image he projected.”

You know, maybe something that would make this easier to swallow is if we had had some more hints earlier on in the novel that the Stranger wasn't really there physically. Maybe you did and I've forgotten. But it may be worth adding in?  (ie, No shadow. Or he's just slightly transparent, or is unable to interact with objects around him and that's strange to Jason when he sees it.)

“That’s not important if I don’t get him back,” I hedged.

That's the second "hedge" in about a page or so. Consider re-wording, even if its to say "...I hedged again." 

I didn't quite understand the significance of how they home decorations were all new.  Did I miss something?

I love the idea of the "family business" and the "Elders" and "Edicts."  It's all very... Vampire Mafia-ish. LOL.     I hope we lear a lot more soon.