2-15-09 Realm Walker, Prologue, Chapter 1

[Miyabi]

Please be harsh, don't be afraid to say something, even if it seems rude or insensitive.  That is usually the best type of criticism and most helpful.

Thanks everyone.

I will also be posting the next draft of these sections in a Live Journal account.  I will link to that once I have this section done.

[Necroben]

ok here we go!

The very first part reads like an instruction manual.

Then a history lesson.

More than anyone would like to admit however, a child would not belong to the clan they had been taken into.

This sentence is kinda awkward, and I don’t really understand what you mean.  Are you trying to say that the children are not from the clan, or that they have innate control over an element different from the clan?

Then the clans came to a final battle.

That’s kinda contradictory in itself isn’t it?  A final battle seems to imply that there is more than one, and then it wouldn’t be the final battle.

They were the favored victors in the battle…

Is there someone placing bets?

The final battle began…the battle raged on for nearly a year.

Maybe the confrontation or war instead.  A battle being waged for that long really isn’t believable.  I’m more than willing to suspend disbelief, but the wording kinda jars me out of the story.

Paladin of the Ethereal

Sounds cool, but also sounds like a gith-yankee(sp?) from D&D.

…make life better for everyone.

Are the clans the only people on this planet?

Again before chapter one, it reads like an instruction manual.  Try to show this later on instead of telling it now.

As he straightened his chin length, dark brown hair in the mirror – which had been formed from a thin layer of ice, Brendon thought of the village that he was in.

He has the power to straighten his own chin?  Actually, the whole sentence is awkward.  It could probably be broken up into at least three other sentences.  Right now it just kinda rambles.

She really needs to work on technique…

Who needs to work on their technique?  Also, you might want to make it a little more clear as to what’s happening.  I thought Brendon had miscast the spell.

…the door melting into the floor and walls around it as he approached.

Very cool!

…solid water keeping him from falling through the floor.  … sticking his finger through the floor…

Contradiction: it holds him up but he can pass his finger through while he’s still on it?

Amber’s legs moved to directly below her shoulders…

Odd image that.

"Besides you know I hate it when you call me Bren Amberlyn.”

But she didn’t call him that, just Bren.  Are you trying to say that their brother and sister?

…they could see fish and sharks swimming past.

Before you said it was a lake, was it a salt-water lake and I just missed it?

I spend more time dedicated to learning than you do.  It's not just how hard you try, it also has to do with what we are good at.

He seems to contradict himself here.  He basically says he studies real hard then says it doesn’t matter not everyone can do it anyway.

They had learned a long time ago that the only thing worse than being late to a class…

It’s already been established that they have never been on time, and seemingly have no interest in ever being on time.  They never mentioned or thought about consequences to actually being late.

Ok, I know from my wife that if finals are moved up to an unexpected date that it is not a cause of joy, but panic.  On the other hand, the pace of her classes are so fast that I could understand her panic.  Maybe some more detail or some who groan aloud at the prospect.

Overall, I like your story.  You’ve come up with an interesting magic system with a technological feel to it.  Your characters are intriguing though their relationship seems a little muddled.  I’m almost to the point where I can relate to Bren.  Maybe in the next chapter.  Just remember:  in late, out early.

[Miyabi]

Thanks Ben!

Most of those are things I just didn't notice because I knew what they were supposed to mean, but didn't realize it was hard for others. ha ha. 

The pre-chapter things are actually from a book that exists withing this book (if that makes sense), it mentions that before chapter three and it's meant to sound instructional.

Paladin of the Ethereal  . . . it's foreshadowing mostly.  (think about paladins, their opposites, and the name of the novel. xD)

The water allowing his finger through is explained in chapter 2 (kind of).

In any case.  Thanks, this will help me clear a LOT of stuff up that I didn't realize was confusing at the first. :]

[Hamster]

hey miyabi, I didn't get your submission, so could you please email it to me at [email protected]? Thanks a lot!

[Hamster]

okay, got it now, thanks Miyabi. It was a very interesting read...I havn't read much that is similar in style to yours.

Well, as far as critiquing,  Necroben got to most of the specific examples that came to mind for myself. I didn't really enjoy the prologue that much, it seemed too much , like Ben said, a history lesson, but a confusing and boring one.

No offense, it's just that I didn't feel like I got much from it, I almost feel like you could do without a prologue and just tell the reader what you would have through consersations with characters, or in a class( in which the history lesson feel will be valid). But maybe it I'll make better sense of it later on.

I do like the concept of being under a lake, very cool indeed. As well as the magic system, I'm very interested in how it works and plays out with Brendon's character development, there seems to be a lot of potential there.

However, I am confused as to the level of technology that there is in the book, is it the classic middle ages fantasy, or is it more advanced, because I definitely got the feel of the middle ages in the prologue, but more technological terminology and such came into play in chapter 1. It kind've feels a bit like "Name of the Wind", with the university type setting and the technological advances with magic and such within those parameters.

Also, random thought, Cleric 'Freezo' really reminds me of the mean prof guy in Name of the Wind, if you've read it,I can't remember his name... but personalities seem similar( in other ways, your boks are not at all similar).
Sorry for going on about this, but maybe you could tell me, or just a rafo, helpful all the same.

So, I like your story so far, I like your style and your writing is solid, but it's a little confusing, and a lot to take in on 1st read, so maybe some clarification on some points( basically necroben got to all of them...).

I enjoyed the dialogue between the characters, and I like Brendon's character, but I find myself wondering where action is going to come into play, it seems like an environment where there's not much action...but maybe Brendon listing ways to break the defense was foreshadowing.....

Hopefully I was at least a little helpful, looking forward to more! 

[Miyabi]

Yeah, I really suck at prologues.  I scrapped three of them already.  :/

I need something that will work with the story itself as well as get something across that is needed for later on.
Also, I have the book Name of The Wind but I have yet to read it. xD

You will see a lot more of the technology in a few chapters.

[Miyabi]

OK, so I tried a new prologue. >>  Can I get some opinions on it?

Eight white lines appear on a Shard Chosen child's wrist upon reaching maturity.  Six of the said lines run length-wise down the inside of the wrist.  The others run in the opposing direction, one below, one above the others.  These lines are formed due to a shard of Crystal forming in the person's forearm.

Prologue

   “It's time that we make our move.  There hasn't been a better time in years,” the voice flowed from underneath the deep hood of a figure standing at the head of the large, elliptical table.  He was surrounded by numerous others dressed in a similar fashion.  They were watching the man intently, drinking in his words.  “When the Paladin came, he spoke of this day.  It was he who told us that the elements were what held the world together and that the clans were directly linked to their existence within the world.
   “Under his direction we shall now move our troops onto those who are not of the Shard,” he continued, talking about strategies and which cities would be best to take first.  The majority of the council supported the idea of taking what was rightfully theirs.  There were however, some dissenting opinions.
   “What makes you think that this is what he mean?  He said that the world would crumble without us, not that the world belonged to us,”  the voice came from one of the younger members of the council.  Unlike the rest, he wore his hood draped over his shoulders, exposing his short, blond hair and dark green eyes.  “You all seem to think that you are superior to those who can't Cast Manipulations.  Why?  I see no reason that they would be beneath us.”
   One of the older members spoke up, “You don't get it, do you child?  It is their impurities that cause them to not be able to draw on Gaea's power and Cast.  Their very existence is suppressing our power and keeping us from making the world what it should be.  These were the teaching of the Paladin of the Ethereal.  He stopped our infighting and brought us together against a greater threat.”  Beneath his hood the man appeared to be satisfied with himself.
   “Haven't you noticed the increase in those being born into the Shard since the Clan Wars stopped?  Our collective energy is causing more people to manifest Crystals, this should be more than enough.  There is no reason for us to go out and slaughter hundreds of thousands of people,” The younger member of the council seemed frustrated.  He looked to those he had spoken to about this issue for support, but none came.  He didn't blame them, it was a fool's argument.  The older generations would never see the truth.
   “Creat, I am not having this argument with you today, or any other day for that matter.  We made the decision that this day would come years before you were born.  Don't think that you have right to come in here and challenge the entire council.  Besides, as I see it your arguments are only supportive of our cause.  More people are manifesting Shards, which proves that we are opening up Gaea's power to the world and causing it to become purer.  We are simply speeding up the process,” the man grinned, light glinting off his teeth.
   Creat sat back in his chair, resigning from the debate as Darius turned and began to draw on a large chalk board.  “Our plans are simple.  We begin with the suburbs of large cities  in order to surround them and cut of anything they might be importing.  That should cause them to give in without too much fighting.  After we control the majority of the world's large cities, the rest will be easy, like weeding a garden.”  Several of the council's members nodded in agreement and discussion began about which city would be most beneficial to their cause.  Creat shook his head and thought, This isn't the way it's supposed to be, it'll be a slaughter.  They won't stand a chance without Casters to help them.
   After a few more hours of discussing details the council came to a vote.  The plan passed, thirty-two to one.  Darius lowered his hood, a look of triumph spread widely across his face and said, “The world shall be ours within the year.”
   That was twenty years ago.

[Reaves]

Ahhh...it feels so good sitting down to a bowl of ramen and reading something. And with that, on to the critique.

Alright I guess I'll skip the prologue you gave us and just read the one above ^.

Personally if you want to explain the world I would not do it until chapter one. In my opinion generally prologues are used to give us a quick jolt of tension in the beginning, if you are using it to give background info you may want to reconsider. Leave the little blurb about Shard Chosen until chapter one.

Overall this is pretty good.

There hasn't been a better time in years,” the voice flowed

You want a period after the "years".

Great last line, btw.

   Brendon swung his legs off the edge of the watery mass that formed the bed he had been sleeping on. 

I would change the way this is phrased. Maybe try "Brendon swung his legs off the edge of the "bed"; a watery mass that..."blah blah blah.  Or try giving it a name. Or something.

I would try to avoid giving the reader information until the last minute.

Brendon thought of the village that he was in.  They were under a lake far to the north.

For example, this steals all the drama. To the reader you are obviously simply explaining. But if you hold off, maybe give this once Brendon is interacting with this fact somehow, its much more interesting.

He then however, decided that he couldn’t complain too much, after all, he couldn’t so much as Cast a small sphere out of water.

Take out the "however" and turn the comma after "much" into a period.

I think there is something wrong with the dialogue. I can't quite place it though.

I think you might need to add tension in here somewhere. Why should I care about these people? No matter how great your plot is later on you need to hook the reader right away. I'm on page eleven and I haven't really seen that yet.

Ah, good, some conflict with Cleric Fresco. I'm still not hooked on your characters but at least there is something going on now.

Ok, finished. I think you should take a look at your dialogue. Try to read it out loud and make sure it sounds like something someone could actually say. Also, I think you might be a bit too in love with commas. Make your sentences a bit shorter, and I think you'll find they actually have more power. Otherwise, it looks pretty good! I'm interested to see how you will improve!

[Frog]

I actually didn't get this submit for whatever reason, but here are some quick thoughts on the prologue anyway.
First bit isn't very engaging so if it is really important for me to know up front, tighten it up as much as humanly possiable.
"The majority of the council supported the idea of taking what was rightfully theirs.  There were however, some dissenting opinions." Seems overly telly since you are about to show us this anyway.
And I am seeing a few more places where it might be better to show rather than tell, like this one: "Beneath his hood the man appeared to be satisfied with himself." Just something as simple as saying 'he smirked' would work better IMO.
Make sure that you end your quotes with periods when you don't use the typical 'he said' type tag.
Besides that, it was a good scene with good hints of conflict to come. Great job!

[Miyabi]

What's your email address?  I'll send it to you.

[Frog]

The one on the first submission thread post should work.... in theory anyway.
[email protected]