2-09-09 Reaves, Crystalheart Chapter Eight

[Reaves]

Wow, its Bonza Bottler day! (sp?) I didn't realize that until I wrote the date on the emails I sent out. Hurray!

Finally, a good, honest-to-God fight scene. Its about time, right? Hopefully this battle works better than the one in chapter 2, with the silver-haired dude.

Anyway, I really like this chapter. However, I think I'm a bit too close to it to be able to judge it objectively. What did you think? As always, thanks for reading!

[Frog]

Thoughts While Reading:
You're telling me about eating breakfast... again. Remember to start late and get out early.

Not seeing much point to the first scene except maybe the pain at the beginning (Is Lord Voldemort coming? )

Why is he asking Tristan? It didn't seem like they parted company on the best terms in the last chp...

"His ability to finish the sentence was interrupted by the fact that the rider had planted a sword in his gut." Sentence seems overly long for a sudden sword thrust.

"The camp was thrown into utter chaos." How? Show us, don't tell us.

"Why was it not on his belt? "I do not bloody-rutting believe it," Aermyst said wonderingly." He thinks it, then he says it, pick one. Nice Twist though.

Did he completely forget his sword then? Seems a little out of character... At first I thought someone had taken it somehow...

Nice image with the tent pole and the horse.

Oh, a Tristan POV, this could get interesting...

Okay, if your going to do a different POV, they really need to add something to the 'conversation' rather then just summing up what already happened...

Now we have Marlin. First off, I was impressed by slight change in style that seemed to fit the character of a young boy and I do remember you telling us that he would be important, but really this seems an awkward way to do it. I have no emotional attachment to the boy, what he is doing doesn't seem to change the overall outcome of the fight very much, so really it just seems an irritating break from the character I am worried about, Aermyst.

Fulcrum, that's a new one. I like it! It does beg the question of why we aren't at the 'fulcrum of the battle' with Aermyst rather then sitting back with our buddy Tristan.

Zeal is suddenly very talkative when they were playing up the dark and mysterious before.

Did the 'big bad' just say 'silly?'

"I do believe he means me." Tristan stood behind him and to the right, walking up to Zael. "Sit down before you fall down," he said, and shoved Aermyst to the ground."
Tristan the superhero! Love it!
 
Overall impression:
I liked the chapter a lot and you seem to have a better control of the action sequences compared to the 2 chp, but you switch POV too much IMO. It is a cool effect when used in moderation, but all it seemed to do in this instance is prolong the scene. I would suggest cutting out anything with Tristan where he is just watching Aermyst (because we already got those parts) and introducing Marlin as a POV character somewhere else. You can still discribe some of his important action, it just didn't seem to be the best place for a brand new POV IMO. It also makes me wonder about that last chp. Sure, we got the cool ruin flying around, but other then that it didn't seem to add much to the story other than to delay the fight scene we were all expecting. Only you can say if that is really the case, but that's how it seems to me right now.
Great Job!

[Hamster]

Just want to say first that I loved the other chapters that you sent me, thanks a lot for that, now I'm really into the story! And right now I'm too tired to read through chapter 8 again trying to find flaws so I'll keep it short.  I love the way you do action, especially in this chapter, Frog was right, it was better than chapter 2. I found it flowed well and to put it in layman's terms, it was totally awesome!

I agree with Frog about Marlin and the pov changes( although I'm not one to be talking about random pov changes..), I think maybe cut out one of the changes, it seemed too much by just a little bit.

I loved this chapter, and am loving your story so far, ( although I'm finding some strange similarities to some parts of of my story and magic system and characters) I am very intrigued with Tristan and with Zael's whole " we are not the villains" shpeal. 

Sorry, but please take out,

It was Zael. He seemed very young.

or change it, first, it just doesn't work, or really add anything, because in chapter 2, you described him in young. I suspect is has to do with the whole stolen soul thing( lol, I thought I was somewhat original with my idea of Soul Taker, lol) but it really irked me.

But great scene, great imagery, a few minor issues. Keep it comin'!

[jjb]

I don't know about anyone else, but when he saw that it was Zael, I was like, "Who's Zael?" After awhile I figured out that it was the guy who took his heartcrystal (unless that is wrong, too) but the name Zael didn't spark any memory in me. That might also be because I read ch. 2, two months ago, but you might want to consider putting in a flashback or something or that nature to Zael tearing out A's heartcrystal.

And I'm really glad that Tristan isn't this all-powerful god who can kill anyone he wants to. Zael being an eve match for him was very nice.

[Necroben]

Throughout the day, Aermyst's chest continued paining him.
The pressure in his chest had intensified throughout the day,

Same thing just different word order.

Why was this a good idea?

Love this line!

…the fact that the rider had planted a sword in his gut.
…and thrust it straight into the big man's chest.

Did he stab Risk twice?

Marlin was glad, but frightened.

You go on to tell why he’s frightened but not why he’s glad.

"I'm sorry," he said to Brodik.

Who was sorry?  Marlin or Zael?

He could perceive balance.

Very cool!

When Marlin is being attacked, the fight gets confusing.  Too many, He:  said, barely, was, and charged.  It’s hard to keep it all strait.

Marlin leapt on him like a sand panther, burying his oversized sword to the hilt in the man's chest.

How old is he again?  It’s very difficult to stab someone through the chest.  Let alone through and into the sand beneath.  Very difficult to get through the breastbone.  I consulted with a Doctor on that one.  Incidentally, that’s a weird conversation to have with your Dr.  When you say chest I picture the center, so I may be mistaken.  But if Marlin turns the blade parallel to the ground and aim to the side a little, it’s much easier to go between the ribs.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." his voice cracked.

Great job with that!  I could see his grief right there.

So far I don’t really mind the POV breaks, but I think they might but put in a different order to more effective.  Maybe a little less back and forth, it’s starting to feel like a tennis match.

Sit down before you fall down," he said, and shoved Aermyst to the ground.
   Aermyst fell down.

Lmao!

Where Zael was blinding, Tristan was just a blur.

That kinda confused me.  What’s the difference?  You really can’t see either one.

I really liked this chapter, fast paced and some new twists were introduced.  But at the end, I would have expected Aermyst to join in or at least try to look for an opening.  Honor be damned, this man stole his soul.  He’s been built up as being desperate to get it back, but then just stands there.  Great job!

[jwdenzel]

Ok, I admit it:  I look forward each week a new Crystalheart chapter.    With all respect, the overall quality of writing still has a lot of room for growth.   I get the strong impression though that you're learning and evolving as a writer though, and that's awesome.  (I have a hunch that by the time you share the last chapter with us, it won't even remotely resemble your first few!)   Also, in terms of the Big Picture... you're 8 chapters into the book and I only have a vague idea of what the protagonist is trying to do.... wandering from town to town and trying to find the man who stole his soul  (and then gave it to his kid brother or something).    A few chapters back you touched on the theme of what a man is like who has no soul.... I'd LOVE to see more of that in every chapter.

But despite all this, I sincerely want to see how this is going to play out.  Chapter 7 had hints of an interesting plot development w/r/t the crystals that the merchants are smuggling.   Tristian, while still a confusing cluster of motivations, is nonetheless interesting.  And now, in chapter 8, we get to see Marlin, whose now my favorite character.

Some chapter 8 specifics....

The opening of the chapter could be stronger, IMO.  I don't care that he's shaving unless he cuts himself, and the wound somehow affects him in the battle later on.

Good build-up as to who the rider approaching the camp was. 

It was Zael. He seemed very young

It's been 6 chapters. You may want to use this space here to remind us, in some creative fashion, of who this dude was.  (I remember, of course, but that's cause I'm your #1 fan!) ;-)

All around the camp, blue-cloaked warriors on horses charged in, swinging long blades and slim, sharply pointed spears.

On my first read of the chapter, I wondered where these guys came from. I thought only a solo rider had ridden up.  There's only a hint earlier that there were more riders than one.  Consider mentioning them a little more explicitly.

belted the sword on his back

I actually have 1st hand experience dealing with swords being strapped to one's back.  It's a huge pain in the @ss to get on and off.  I would submit to you that if Marlin was in a hurry, or intended to use the sword at all in the near future, he would probably just carry it in his hand.

Aermyst's scarlet hair blew forward in the breeze. "Not quite," he said.

A little over-dramatic, but I get it.  Cool image.

"You have my soul," Aermyst said. "I can feel it.

He can feel it?  Cool.  Please show us though.

The Final Battle:   Good, clean fun.  It was like reading the log of a video game boss battle.  If this is your intent in terms of imagery and feel, then you nailed it. 

Finally... if we don't learn everything about Tristian in chapter 9, I'm going to shoot myself. ;-)

[Reaves]

Ahhhh!! I spent like half an hour writing a massive post to respond to all of you and I somehow accidentally deleted it! I kill myself now!!!!!!!!!fajf;lnc./vmn.z
fljdasfkdsjfcmv
asdf,mn'

[Flo_the_G]

The description of the ache in Aermyst's chest, but compared to that the "it restricted his breathing" in the sentence before stands out as a bit bland. I also missed a reference to the time of day in that passage. I don't know why, exactly, it's quite clear that it's in the morning, after all.

Risk gnawing at his lower lip "worriedly" is a (minor) slip into his POV.

"His ability to finish the sentence" wasn't interrupted by "the fact", but by "the sword".

Speaking of swords, how is it that Aermyst, in an apparently very violent world, keeps forgetting to take his with him?

Shouldn't Marlin be putting the shoulder guard on the shoulder of the arm that's not holding the sword? That would usually be the one facing the enemy. The guard on the other arm would also restrict the mobility of his sword arm.

You have another slip of POV when Marlin kills the warrior.

The transition from Aermyst being outmatched to him bleeding from a lot of small wounds is a bit unexpected. Until you mentioned those wounds, I had thought Zael were simply fending off Aermyst's attacks.

A minor point: "From where Aermyst sat on the ground, the two were perfectly silhouetted by the twin moons, glowing purple and pale red." <- that second comma needs to go, for obvious reasons.

You also need to decide whether Tristan is armed with daggers or knives, you alternate between the two.

Overall, I think there were too many changes of viewpoint character. You need to find a system that works for you. Either you change POV often as you did in this chapter (which you do well, I think), or you concentrate on one character only for longer periods, as you did in the first few chapters. Constantly changing the rhythm is... well, irritating is too strong a word, but it's definitely strange.

I'm not sure if it's the best chapter we've seen (if only because it's been a while since I read the others), but it's certainly one of the best. The general style seems more refined, the many POV changes work a lot better than the occasional ones you had before, and swordfights and dying people always help to make me enjoy what I'm reading. Making each character's section shorter as the scene progressed was a nice touch, you should definitely keep going like this.


Having glanced over the other comments, I'll add that I, too, wasn't really sure who Zael was. Seems not to have been a problem for Hamster, though, so it's probably only due to the interval between the two chapters.

[Hamster]

I will say that the only reason I remembered Zael was because, I have a wierd memory and remember lots of names in books(very handy for WoT), and I had just read the other chapter that involved Zael, so his name was fresh in my mind.

[Reaves]

How old is he again?  It’s very difficult to stab someone through the chest.  Let alone through and into the sand beneath.  Very difficult to get through the breastbone.  I consulted with a Doctor on that one.  Incidentally, that’s a weird conversation to have with your Dr.  When you say chest I picture the center, so I may be mistaken.  But if Marlin turns the blade parallel to the ground and aim to the side a little, it’s much easier to go between the ribs.

sounds like an interesting conversation.
But you are totally right, I blew it. Actually the soldier is supposed to be wearing armor, and there is not way Marlin is getting through all that.

Ok, I admit it:  I look forward each week a new Crystalheart chapter.    With all respect, the overall quality of writing still has a lot of room for growth.   I get the strong impression though that you're learning and evolving as a writer though, and that's awesome.  (I have a hunch that by the time you share the last chapter with us, it won't even remotely resemble your first few!)   Also, in terms of the Big Picture... you're 8 chapters into the book and I only have a vague idea of what the protagonist is trying to do.... wandering from town to town and trying to find the man who stole his soul  (and then gave it to his kid brother or something).    A few chapters back you touched on the theme of what a man is like who has no soul.... I'd LOVE to see more of that in every chapter.

Yay! And hrrm...are you saying it seems unfocused? I guess I can see that. Part of that is probably due to the fact that for most of these eight chapters I didn't really know what I was doing or where I was going with this...

But despite all this, I sincerely want to see how this is going to play out.  Chapter 7 had hints of an interesting plot development w/r/t the crystals that the merchants are smuggling.   Tristian, while still a confusing cluster of motivations, is nonetheless interesting.  And now, in chapter 8, we get to see Marlin, whose now my favorite character.

Marlin is very cool. I love the way his plot arc is turning out.

The opening of the chapter could be stronger, IMO.  I don't care that he's shaving unless he cuts himself, and the wound somehow affects him in the battle later on.

You're the second person who said that. Eating and shaving, pretty basic. I guess this needs tightening up.
Good build-up as to who the rider approaching the camp was.  

It was Zael. He seemed very young

It's been 6 chapters. You may want to use this space here to remind us, in some creative fashion, of who this dude was.  (I remember, of course, but that's cause I'm your #1 fan!) ;-)

sounds good. Again you're the second person who commented on that phrase. Its pretty dull.
(I think what I do is write a placeholder statement with what I want to say, thinking I will go back and change it...but I don't.

belted the sword on his back

I actually have 1st hand experience dealing with swords being strapped to one's back.  It's a huge pain in the @ss to get on and off.  I would submit to you that if Marlin was in a hurry, or intended to use the sword at all in the near future, he would probably just carry it in his hand.

Good point.

The Final Battle:   Good, clean fun.  It was like reading the log of a video game boss battle.  If this is your intent in terms of imagery and feel, then you nailed it.  

lol a video game?? Stop giving me backhanded compliments, lol. What about it specifically made it feel like a video game to you? Thats not really what I want people to walk away with...

Speaking of swords, how is it that Aermyst, in an apparently very violent world, keeps forgetting to take his with him?

Its a bit of a running gag, LOL

Shouldn't Marlin be putting the shoulder guard on the shoulder of the arm that's not holding the sword? That would usually be the one facing the enemy. The guard on the other arm would also restrict the mobility of his sword arm.

wait, sorry, what? In my mind generally the arm with the sword is closest to the enemy. Can you explain why this would not be so?

You have another slip of POV when Marlin kills the warrior.

good catches with the POV slips. Thanks.



Thanks for all the comments everyone!!! These helped a lot.

About Zael: this is one of the drawbacks to the writing group format. He was introduced for the first time in chapter two, only six chapters ago....but that was also a month and a half ago. (and to be honest he didn't get a whole lot of screen time.)
He has been mentioned a few times since then, however. I'm not sure if this is actually a problem or not...I'll try to do some more reminding in there.

and btw, the part where Aermyst's chest is hurting is him feeling Zael getting closer. Thats what he meant when he said

"You have my soul. I can feel it."

Again, thanks for all the help guys!!

[Reaves]

AND...responses to Frog and Hamster's comments were deleted. Again. I guess the post is just too long...sorry guys, that was the second time I tried to respond to your posts, I'm not gonna try again lol

[Frog]

That's really weird, cause I saw the comments to me when I first clicked on it. And when I clicked 'back,' they were still there. So here they are for prosperity and so Reaves doesn't feel the need to commit suicide again. (This is a very violent thread, Ben's discussing how to properly stab people w/ doctors, Jason's going to shoot himself, and the author is committing suicide... scary  )

Not seeing much point to the first scene except maybe the pain at the beginning (Is Lord Voldemort coming?  )

yes 

Okay, if your going to do a different POV, they really need to add something to the 'conversation' rather then just summing up what already happened...

Okay. Normally I really like it when someone does the same scene from two different people's POV. Probably because the two POV's are "clashing" where here its just giving the same info in a different way.

Did the 'big bad' just say 'silly?'

We discover that Zael is not nearly as badass he and everyone else thinks he is.

I liked the chapter a lot and you seem to have a better control of the action sequences compared to the 2 chp, but you switch POV too much IMO. It is a cool effect when used in moderation, but all it seemed to do in this instance is prolong the scene. I would suggest cutting out anything with Tristan where he is just watching Aermyst (because we already got those parts) and introducing Marlin as a POV character somewhere else. You can still discribe some of his important action, it just didn't seem to be the best place for a brand new POV IMO. It also makes me wonder about that last chp. Sure, we got the cool ruin flying around, but other then that it didn't seem to add much to the story other than to delay the fight scene we were all expecting. Only you can say if that is really the case, but that's how it seems to me right now.

Interesting thoughts on how this chapter affects the previous chapter. I'll think about it. And I agree with yours and others' comments about the numerous POV changes. I do it 9-10 times in this chapter and often it is just for the sole purpose of switching POV. I should probably cut back.

Oh, and while I am here, I probably should clarify that despite the excessive POVs, I really liked the Marlin part too, I just thought he needed a stronger introduction somewhere else first.
Okay, I am officially leaving you alone now. (Cheer!)

[Flo_the_G]

Swords:

Speaking from my extensive ( i.e. a few years of karate and a year or so of aikido) martial arts knowledge, I can tell you that when fighting you'll generally keep your "main" hand away from your opponent, meaning that, if you're right-handed, you'd be standing with your left foot forward. Without the sword, you'd be delivering many quick blows with your left hand, and the slow and heavy ones with your right. The same applies with swords, you'd be standing left foot (and shoulder) forward, meaning that your left side will be far more exposed than your right.

It's easier to show than explain, so have a look at how the Jedi do it.

[Reaves]

Okay. Pictures help!
I've mentioned this before, but I take foil fencing in which you always keep your sword hand and foot forwards. As in, I am left handed so I stand with my left foot forward and left arm extended.
However, I do want this to have more of an Eastern feel than classical Western fencing would give it. So I think I will change that. Thanks!

[Flo_the_G]

Yes, fencing would be different, I suppose, but a foil is a lot lighter than a real sword, after all. I only held a wooden katana in aikido, but even that felt heavy enough after a while.