2-09-09 Aspirations

[Necroben]

Jason wandered through his grief, soothing his soul in alcohol. 
He met with a stranger, who gave him a mysterious ring.
This ring gave him a backhanded wish that, Jason, was unaware of.
He then goes on to find out that his inadvertent wish got him partially
married to a female vampire.  He also finds out that to complete the
marriage they have too consummate it.

Jason finds that his bride-to-be (Miranda) is not entirely pleased with the
situation.  Before they can attempt any reconciliation, Jason is abducted
and sent to Hell.  Jason has been given the task of collecting certain items
from this list, for a spell that will transfer his soul and the ring to the Deamion.
Jason then finds himself in a different place.  Where he encounters a pretty
young woman bound as a sacrifice.  Unfortunately, this woman is a spiting
image of his dead wife, Kim.  The woman guides Jason back to his own campfire…

Jason goes into the town of Gorstauk with Angel.
He meets her mother and finds out she does not like him, at all.
Jason wanders the town for a bit until he meets Angel’s father,
who then sells Jason what he needs/wants of supplies.
Thinking Angel would rather stay with her mother,
Jason moves on with his quest and gets lost.
He then meets back up with Angel,
who was to be married to Javik on her mother’s say-so.
Jason cries on her shoulder, the only friend in this world he has
Thinking of Kim, Miranda, and Angel; Jason falls into a troubled asleep…

Jason and Angela (I’ve changed her name for now) continue to search for
the rest of the reagents needed.  Along their journey, they are attacked by
Javik, who with his dieing breath lays a curse on Jason.  After the attack,
Angela begins to train Jason in the ways of magic.  After finding and in
Angela’s case discovering, they have all but one reagent left to gather, Eye of Newt.
Angela comes up with a plan that sets her up as bait to lure Newt into ambush.
Newt comes but not everything goes according to plan.  Jason sees Angela
swallowed after his spells seem to misfire.  He then chases after Newt to rescue her.
Jason finds Newt dieing in a clearing, compelled Jason hacks off Newt’s head
and eats Newt’s heart.    The magic that compelled him leaves after he’s done
and Jason loses consciousness…

Thanks for reading, have fun and blast away!

[Frog]

Thoughts while Reading:
Angel my love? Man, this guy is confused. Or maybe I am just confused. All the girls seemed to have blended together. Is that the effect you want?

The descriptions are really good here, but again, watch the "I did this, I did that," sentence structure.

"I'm done running, done with reacting to what others throw my way." This is a necessary transition for any MC to take, but I wouldn't state it so obviously. Find ways to subtly show it and prove it.

You really need to iron out for us what your magic can and can't do and what the cost of using it is.

Okay, it may just be because I wasn't here for the first bits, but until the end I had no idea you were taking about Miranda until the end of the flashback bit.

Flashbacks seem a bit awkward and choppy. Is there a way for you to summarize the important bits rather then just cutting/pasting? I love the concept though.

"This is where I would switch to Miranda’s part in the story." And I don't get to see it? 

"and what emerged was horror." Another example of a time I would like to skip the tellyness and judge that it is horrible for myself.

These fight sequences seem a bit too long-probably needs some dialogue or something to break it up-and it is a bit confusing because I still don't feel I have a firm grasp on your magic system and the effects of the spells everyone is casting.

"bites off my finger with the ring." Sorry, I know I am hardly one to talk, but this just screams Frodo at Mount Doom.

Okay, as far as tags and dialogue goes, in the first sections I thought you went overboard with not using them, and then I felt you went to the other extreme with using them all the time. The section with him talking with the stranger seems to be a good example of the happy medium, at least to me .

Some good tie ups here that would probably mean even more to me if I read the first sections, and a strong ending.

Overall impression:
It looks like you are getting close to the end so big time kudos heading your way. Besides the little things I pointed out, the biggest problem I had is the confusion over the magic system and justification of some of the actions. Like Angel's death. I personally hate it when anyone on the 'good' side dies so I feel cheated if I don't get justification for it. I want to know exactly what it was that made the magic go wrong and why Jason wasn't able to save her. I want to know why the magic would compel him to eat the heart. I want to know what spells he has and what they do before he really, really, needs them. It may be more 'realistic' for Jason to be making things up as he goes and have unanswered questions, but this is a book and as such, I want to know EVERYTHING by the end or reason to believe it will be answered in a sequel. Please don’t substitute confusion for suspense. There is a big difference and the later is not a good selling point IMO but that could just be me....
Great Job!

[Necroben]

Thoughts while Reading:
Angel my love? Man, this guy is confused.

You really need to iron out for us what your magic can and can't do and what the cost of using it is.

"This is where I would switch to Miranda’s part in the story." And I don't get to see it? 

These fight sequences seem a bit too long-probably needs some dialogue or something to break it up

"bites off my finger with the ring." Sorry, I know I am hardly one to talk, but this just screams Frodo at Mount Doom.

Some good tie ups here that would probably mean even more to me if I read the first sections...

It looks like you are getting close to the end so big time kudos heading your way.

1) Yes.

2) Yeah, I’m working on that.  Y’all had some great suggestions.

3) Yes, if I can get it from paper to computer.

4) As for dialogue, do you have any suggestions?  I really don’t have anyone he could talk to.

5) Doh!  I totally forgot that part.  That was the only way to get the ring off.

6) At this point, it’s bound to be a bit confusing.  I’m (if you’ll excuse the term) re-vamping a lot of the stuff I’ve already written.

7) Unfortunately, this is not the end.  Maybe about halfway at 32k words (Jason) and another 30k for (Miranda).  Oh, every death and action will be justified, reasoned, and have their own consequences.  I hate that too.

[Hamster]

hey, sorry to do this, but I really don't want to review a story that is already 30 chapters in, I started reading, and even with the prologue, found myself a bit lost here. but good writing from what I read, but could you maybe send me the rest of your story, I really like to be part of a story from the beginning. Thanks!

[Frog]

4) I wasn't really suggesting that he start having a conversation with the cockroaches, but just something to break up the longer paragraphs like him yelling or having a sudden burst of internal thought or any other dramatic thing that would justify a stand alone sentence.

5) In that case, maybe there are still ways to do it without it being so blatant? Like cutting it off instead of biting it off or something?

7) Unfortunately? No. More of a good book is always a good thing and I am looking forward to getting all my previously requested justification, it just seemed like a dramatic wrap up point that left him with only one last obvious goal (get back to/have a conversation w/ Miranda).

[Reaves]

I thought this submission was very nicely written, especially compared to your last submission but well-written regardless. The little bits of humor, especially in the first chapter, worked very well I thought.

 
Angel!  Ah, love!  I'm so sorry.  I wasn’t the hero you needed.  I tried to tell you, but you had a faith that nothing could shake, and I let you down.

This is very clean and it captures his thoughts perfectly without seeming silly. Bravo!

  Maybe Miranda would be better off without me.  Wait, Miranda, she’ll die without me,...

I thought it this was funny.

  I debated briefly with myself over whether I should find a stream to bath in, or just keep my gore as a badge.  The hell with it, maybe that Deamion would get a kick out of it.  Yeah, I’ll take it to hell with me.  Warriors sometimes wear war paint.  This blood will be mine. 

  I also thought this was funny, but didn't detract from the story and showed his state of mind here; he's pretty much stopped caring about most things now. However, I don't think it comes back into the story. Maybe have the Deamion look at him, pause, and say something like: "Going tribal, are we?"

, I delicately removed Newt’s eyes.  I only needed one, but I took the other as well.  I might have some use in keeping it around.  I couldn’t think of one now but you never know.

  I would change his stated reasons for taking the second eye. To me right now it seems like he's not really thinking of what might come in handy in the future. Have him think something funny again. "The only thing better than one massive eyeball is two." Except, you know, funny.

  .  I wasn’t hungry—my gruesome feast still sat heavily in my middle—but I went ahead and made something to eat.  More to procrastinate than out of hunger.

nice touch.

There was no possible way that I could stand there, and tell him, to his face, that I am the one who watched his daughter die.  That I was the one who could do nothing save avenge a death that should never have been.  No, I cannot do it.  I'm just not strong enough.

The bolded am should probably be "was" and the bolded phrase should probably be in italics to show its internal dialogue.

  So I sat there, nibbling food I couldn’t taste,

nice line.

I thought there were a couple of weird things with your cockroach invaders. It seemed really random. Also,  if they were so huge I would think that would be the first thing he would notice.

Pandemonium reined supreme as groups coalesced.  Tuning my head quickly over my shoulders, I was able to count four groups. 

word repetition.

  I cast Mirror of Minerva again...

that sequence of words made me instantly think of Harry Potter, closely followed by Magic: the Gathering.  I think its the "cast." I dunno why...

I think you should probably explain a bit more to the audience about how your magic system works and what its costs are. So far it seems pretty easy to learn...it didn't seem like Jason got a whole lot of training and hes already fighting demons. I guess that could be explained a bit by the ring, but you might want to go a bit more in depth on that.

The Deamion was weaving it’s claws in intricate patterns I didn’t recognize.  My breath plumed in the air.  Frost crept toward me across the stone floor.  Flagstones cracked and shattered as hot stone suddenly cooled.  Fragments pelted me.  I flinched as one piece hit me just below my right eye, laying open the skin. 

That is cool.

And Big Reveal at the End! Cool. I have to say that chapter thirty was the best out of this submission, but the others were good too. Like Frog I thought that it would be winding up soon but I am interested to see where it is going.

[Necroben]

  I debated briefly with myself over whether I should find a stream to bath in, or just keep my gore as a badge.  The hell with it, maybe that Deamion would get a kick out of it.  Yeah, I’ll take it to hell with me.  Warriors sometimes wear war paint.  This blood will be mine. 

  ...Maybe have the Deamion look at him, pause, and say something like: "Going tribal, are we?"

, I delicately removed Newt’s eyes.  I only needed one, but I took the other as well.  I might have some use in keeping it around.  I couldn’t think of one now but you never know.

  I would change his stated reasons for taking the second eye. To me right now it seems like he's not really thinking of what might come in handy in the future. Have him think something funny again. "The only thing better than one massive eyeball is two." Except, you know, funny.

word repetition.

I think you should probably explain a bit more to the audience about how your magic system works and what its costs are. So far it seems pretty easy to learn...it didn't seem like Jason got a whole lot of training and hes already fighting demons. I guess that could be explained a bit by the ring, but you might want to go a bit more in depth on that.

Darn, I totally missed that one.  I'll have to add that in somehow.  Thanks.

Lmao!  It’s harder to do than I had originally thought.  Can"t have him keeping an eye out. 

Ahhh, thanks for pointing that one out.

I’m going to add 3-4 more scenes to help with that.  I just have to figure out what.  

Frog:  Thanks!  That helped give me a few ideas.   

[Hamster]

Hey Necroben, great work. I did recieve your other chapters, and just spend a good hour finishing them up. Whoa. It was really good. I love your writing style, it just got me so much more involved in the story, and the humour really worked well.  Overall, very awesome so far. I don't think I've ever read anything quite like this at all.

Now, I did have a few issues, (sorry, I'm kind've critiquing for the whole thing, not just this submission) it seemed very rushed.  I mean, in 30chapters, ( and not that many words) I just read what might happen in a 400page book. It seemed like everysingle page had a new problem or person or whatever come up. My head is reeling from not getting any real long break in the action.  Although that is part of what I liked, I think it could be a little more fleshed out, I was getting confused at some points, and felt like I had passed over a section of the book that I should have read to understand it better.


As for chapter 30-34, I really enjoyed reading them, it was nice to get to the end of something, and as far as the prose goes, it was great here too, I don't have that much bad to say that hasn't been said already.

One thing I will say is that I agree with the others, I NEED some more info with the magic,  the lack of detail to it really left me scratching my head(ok, maybe not literally) at some parts, especially the battle at the end, I agree with Reaves, how is it that he held his own against a demon, ( even if it was a deamion.)

7) Unfortunately, this is not the end.  Maybe about halfway at 32k words (Jason) and another 30k for (Miranda).  Oh, every death and action will be justified, reasoned, and have their own consequences.  I hate that too.

Thank you for this, I was thinking that maybe one more submission and it would be done. Very relievedThought it was one of the shortest novels I had ever read with more going on in it than most do. looking forward for the next one, but I am still wondering what is left to do other than find Miranda...

[Necroben]

My main goal in writting this way was to get the story told.  I have a really bad habit of not finishing my stories.  So I said to myself, "I'm gonna finish".  Now I had to figure out a way to do just that.  My answer was to write, while keeping in mind that this is a first draft, character and dialogue.  I'll go back and add more later.  Some parts will have very little setting added while others have a whole lot more.  But all parts will be fleshed out more by the end, which will increase the length with out adding filler.  I've always wanted to read a really fast paced fantasy novel, not many out there.  Thrillers yes, fantasy no.

But I'm already in re-write to meet a dead-line I no longer have to meet.  That NaNo proof copy just isn't worth the risk for me.

My thanks to everyone for reading.  And for your comments, y'all've been a huge help!

[jwdenzel]

Hey Ben

Ok, I've gushed about your stuff before. You know how much I love your style.  I like the fast pace, and for some reason I even dig this weird ride you've been taking us all on. Your story shows a ton of raw talent shining through.

But these chapters just didn't work for me.  Chapter 33 could be removed entirely, and your story would lose nothing.  Try it -- read the end of 32 and go right to 34.  You'd never know 33 happened for the most part.  The fight with all the bugs felt too long (as somebody else said), and there was no real net change to the story or character as a result.  The only thing that changed is that his shield barriers weakened a little, which made him some vulnerable for the boss to come in. 

I know what your goals with this project are, and I know it started as a NaNo thing.  GOOD for you for plunging forward and getting this far!  When you go back for your re-write, I suggest you start with Sanderson's First Law:    An author's ability to solve conflict with magic is DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL to how well the reader understands said magic.

I'd take it a half step farther and and say "... understands and enjoys said magic."

Earlier in the story, Jason's magic failed him against Newt.  So that's ok.  But this magic becomes the entire focus of chapters 32-34.  It felt like Jason was pulling spells out of his arse.  I was toally taken out of the story. 

The other big problem is the familiar ending up being Gollum the Stranger.  Three words:  Dues Ex Machina.  It's a clever twist that the Stranger was the familiar. No arguments there.  But saving Jason like he did was too far outa the blue.  Right after that, the Stranger info-dumps for a few pages about how he wasn't really real, but was kinda real, just like Miranda's love is real, but kinda not.   Frankly, those last few pages were tough to get through for me.

Summary:  I was with you on this whole book up until Jason got magic powers.  They failed him vs. Newt, so I let it slide.  I figured we'd get time to see him really learn things.  Then he became an Ultra Mage for the last few chapters, and it all fizzled for me.

That said... (still with me?) ... ... I've got confidence in your writing and story-telling.  The things I mention above aren't all that hard to fix to be honest. 

I DID like how we came to some kind of resolution to a plot thread.  I can't wait to see where Jason goes next.   And please bring back more Miranda and her family.

So please don't hate me for the bad review.  I'm still with ya, and I'll gladly keep reading anything you put in front of me.

[Necroben]

I won't hate you for being honest.

You make some excellent points, and I've come to the conclusion that pace has outstripped... well plot.  Too many things don't seem to be adding up.  That's ok... for now.  This is why I really like getting input.  I'm too close, I know what I what to say and do, so things get kinda skipped over. 
Thank you, everyone, for pointing these things out.