Granite Sunrise chapter 1

[wcarter4]

Note anyone who didn't get a copy and wants one just let me know, the UGA mail system sometimes thinks emails sent to more than one person are spam and blocks them. Oh by the way, anyone who sucessfully guesses what is really going on with Dahael (before reading this) in this chapter is a genius.

[Reaves]

First of all, I have no idea what Dahael is doing. I guess I'm not a genius

This sentence seemed a bit odd.

Knowing what he would eventually run held a special sort of feeling the twelve year old.

Also, I'm not really sure who's point of view it is at the beginning of the chapter; you seem to be describing Morren's thoughts, but the rest of the chapter belongs to Larraus.

I don't really think you need the 'quotes' for thoughts when you already have italics, but that is just personal taste.

I didn't really find the cider-making to be of much interest. Also I'm having a bit of trouble placing Larraus' station and rank: you describe him as a merchant, but he also seems to be a landowner, and yet he works in the fields. You might need a bit of clarification.

Full points for weird and interesting names!!

Keeping Moren away from the villages and towns was necessary  now that he was twelve and had developed a reputation for being smart. Larraus shut the distasteful line of thought firmly out of his mind...

I don't really understand this. After reading the rest of the chapter and re-reading this sentence several times over, I'm guessing that he is worried about kidnappers? But it really needs some more explanation.

He would have to find out who that man was. Pear cider. Anyone that clever deserved to be put in a leadership position.

No offense but this didn't strike me as particularly brilliant or clever. Any first grader can change the rules of the game or take advantage of loopholes. Ever heard kids on the playground yelling "tag no tagbacks"?

Also I thought Larraus was completely overreacting. In his manor there would presumably be many servants; if one servant has not seen the son I don't think there would be great cause for alarm.

If I remember correctly Dahael is some kind of assassin, or at least someone with a lot of combat training. I think he would do more than just whack the man in the side once and run away. Maybe you meant for this to stand out to us, but if so maybe you should give Dahael a better explanation.

Most of my comments seem pretty critical. Don't take me wrongly; the chapter wasn't bad. It just wasn't great. It really failed to draw my interest though. Something you might want to think about: why did you choose to give the viewpoint to the father? As a general rule of thumb you want to give the viewpoint to the character with the most pain.
Also, to me the chapter felt a bit like, 'he did this, then he did that,' something I am a bit guilty of in my own writing  In my opinion it lacked tension and snappiness. I really did like your prologue, though! Maybe you can draw a bit more of the interesting world from that into chapter one? Maybe mention the afterlife or something like that.

[jjb]

I liked the chapter, but this post will only be filled with negatives. Not that there aren't positives. I'm just going to let other people point them out.

There were a lot of messy mistakes in this (typos, added words, wrong tense, etc.) so you need to read through it for those.

I didn't understand why it was so dangerous for a smart twelve year old boy to be in town. (you said something to that effect early in the chapter.)

I was also confused by the whole pear cider thing. Was it the father's idea or not? I was under the impression that he was the one who suggested making pear cider and mixing pear and apple, but he commented that the kidnapper was smart for thinking of pear cider. And if he was referring to using the pear cider to trick the boy, that didn't seem amazingly smart to me.

Dahael said the kidnapper got away, but then he said that he hit the kidnapper, grabbed the boy, and ran. Seems to me that a)he knocked the guy unconscious when he hit him, so why would he run? b) if the kidnapper wasn't unconscious, he would have chased Dahael and the boy, c)if the kidnapper was injured enough that he couldn't run after them, then he would still be immobile enough to be chased down by the master's servants.

The master said hot water had been put into his sink. That might make sense, but modern day sinks have holes in the bottom... If you're saying they have faucets, but only cold water then that makes sense. If not, then I think hot water in a bowl would have been placed on a table or something of that nature.


I liked the Prologue more than the 1st chapter, but it was good enough to keep me interested in the story (though there isn't any major conflict yet).

edit: and sorry for repeating some of Reaves points. I did type those before I read his, so that means that it wasn't just I that was confused by the smartness of the boy, pear cider, etc.

[Necroben]

Many of the things I noticed have already been mentioned.  So I'll go with what I liked.

Despite the confusion of who was who, your characters are great.  The fathers fear for his son came through for me.  And while I didn't see much of the son, the little bit of dialogue he did have seemed appropriate.  The same for all your side characters, the dialogue was right on target.

Your setting I liked.  It focused on where they were while giving hints of the outside world.

You really began to come into your own in the last few pages of the story.

I think you have in mind an original story, and I'd like to see you submit again.  Keep'em commin'.

[wcarter4]

To Reaves: You're points about the beginning are quite helpful. I was originally going to write the chapter through Moren's eyes as for and a few of the other sentences just didn't flow well either. I'm VERY glad you pointed out the sentences about keeping Moren out of the villages to me. They aren't supposed to be there at all, that was idea I had already killed off.
The reason he paniced when the servant didn't find him was because the first servant he talked to should have already sent the boy to see him. I guess that needs to be reworked. As for the cider thing. Larraus isn't supposed to be thinking of the man as a genius, just someone a little brighter than many of his other workers. They're all unskilled laborers except for a few. I'll be sure and work on explaining that in other drafts and chapters too. Your imput is very helpful thanks.
Oh and if you had figured out what Dahael is up to I would probably shoot myself.

[wcarter4]

To Jib, thanks.  The idea about the pear cider was Larraus'. My intentions were that the man knew about it because he had worked at the orchards for a few weeks and used them as part of his plan to kidnap the boy. I will also say that yes Dahael's story is fishy. I'll fix a bit but not too much because he's lying.

[deckacards]

Whew...okay...

You have some interesting characters, and I love when stories work in rich texture and environment like cider and fall...

That said...slow way down. You've covered AT LEAST 5,000 words worth of events in just 2,400 words. I would think you could take the events that have happened and stretch them over 3 chapters at least. Slow down, introduce a character, and hang with him/her for a while. Let them walk/look around, experience their environment, and show us who they are...give us a chance to get to know them and their surroundings before things start happening.

In the topic about my story, you said your critiques were short because you've "been trained to write things in as few words as possible"...I hear you...as a Technical Writer, I have to be as efficient with words as possible...but efficiency doesn't always mean less words, less substance, or less experience...it just means don't use 10 words when 7 will have the same effect. The problem is, if 7 words changes the effect, then use 10.

Ultimately, it seems like you have a good base for a story...characters, world, setting, etc....but this chapter throws too much too fast (too many characters, too much character jumping - from one to the next, and much too much action going on...). I honestly had to really concentrate to figure out what was going on.

Take a section of it...like the first 129 words...and expand THAT scene much more...flesh it out, show us that character and that place...take your time. Pick a scene...and linger there.

Also...just a quick note...don't try to cram too much into one sentence. Random example: 

"The merchant simply shook his head as he walked along, his son slightly ahead of him, towards the buildings at the edge of the field. "

That sentence packs 5 pieces of information: 1) the merchant shook his head 2) he walked along 3) his son was ahead of him 4) he was walking towards the buildings 5) the buildings are at the edge of the field.

Slow it down, break it up, and take your time. The story's not going anywhere...enjoy exploring the characters and environments, even their histories, a bit.

Again...good characters and I think you have the base for a rich story and environment, here.

[Pipe]

Jumping straight into this - didn't realize I'd missed a Prologue till I read the other comments:

* I agree with most of the issues raised by Reaves and jjb, but I think you're already appraised of those so I'll move on.
* It seems that in the initial scene with Jhace, you're trying to show us that Larraus has trouble remembering his workers - but it seems strange then that Larraus can then confidently say how long the man has been working for him. If he just has trouble with names that's one thing, but it seemed as if what you intended to show was a general disregard for the workers as individuals, seeing them instead as cogs in a wheel.
* It really bothered me that for all Larraus worrying and panic, when he finally sees Moren again, he has no words for his son, no hugs, no significant glances. Instead it's all about the man who found him. I didn't even realize that Moren was there in that scene until I reread it to try and determine who was telling the story during dinner.
* I think that this chapter would work better broken up into several chapters, and each part fleshed out a bit more. The fact that the kidnapping happens and then is resolved in the very same chapter tends to minimize its impact I think. If you're going to have multiple POVs in the book, it might be cool to shift to someone other than Larraus immediately after the kidnapping if you want most of Larraus searching/panicking to be done "off stage." (I think deckacards raised this too just as I was making this post )

Thanks for sharing!

[jjb]

You mean Dahael planned the kidnapping so that he could rescue the boy?

[M]

Ok, I'm  tired and don't have time to read the other replies, so this may be very repetitive. 

First of all, there are MANY typos, sentence fragments, grammar errors and punctuation mistakes.  You should comb through this and weed all those out.  I found myself looking for errors and not paying attention to the story. 

Ok, just a few things. 

I....said that I could tell what stock was used in any of your ciders by the taste father when we were here a couple of weeks ago father.

  This makes no sense and why the use of 'father' twice?

His son had been kidnapped.

  Hold on.  A little dramatic and over-reactive if you ask me.  He didn't even wonder he just went straight to KIDNAPPING.  Maybe ease into this and show the fathers worry progress until he starts to accept the horror that no parent wants to accept.  Yes, as a father if I don't know where my daughter is...I immediately get nervous...but my thoughts don't go flying off the handle.  I wouldn't assume kidnapping so fast.

His arms and legs were stiff and his stomach churned from fear for his son and his wife.

Why the wife?  I know the next sentence says she is waiting for him....but why is he afraid for her?  Shouldn't he be sick to his stomach that he has to tell her the news....not afraid for her.

Ok, this kinda made me laugh, think about this sentence.

“I go by Dahael sir, but others have called me worse.” he said after a minute.

  "He said AFTER A MINUTE."  Put yourself into the story.  If someone waited a minute to answer you...you would start thinking they were strange after 10 seconds. 

Ok, overall impression...I like it.  I like the intro, it was a little boring with the father/son vinyard thing, but you got the story going fairly soon, so good job.  I like the feel to your writing.  I think it flows very well, something that many RE submitters struggle with, myself included.  I like the story in that you haven't revealed EVERYTHING in the first chapter, in fact...I don't know what the plot is, so in my opinion you nailed this perfectly.  So many RE submitters tell us EVERYTHING in the first chapter that we know what is going to happen from the get go.  Great job.  Focus on cleaning up the writing and I think you are good to go.

[wcarter4]

I appreciate everyone's input. It's all helpful this time around as I knew it would be. The typos and sentence fragments are typical of my first three drafts so I'm sorry if they put anyone off. I think writing is in the revision. A few phrases shouldn't have been there at all though.  I changed a few things around as I was writing without necessarily deleting everything I should have.
To Deckacards: yeah, I put as much info into short stories as a habit. I'm a newspaper journalism major, I can't help it but I promise to try.
To Jib: Yes, Dahael planned the kidnapping. He's been hired to get hired on by Larraus (as a spy). More on that in future chapters.

[deckacards]

To Deckacards: yeah, I put as much info into short stories as a habit. I'm a newspaper journalism major, I can't help it but I promise to try.

Hey, really...you're doing fine...good characters, good setting (putting the characters in a cider house really communicates a lot about the story, characters, and setting without having to tell us), and you clearly know where you're going.

Funny thing...my niece once told me she was thinking of going into journalism and asked me for my opinion...I said I enjoyed my brief journalism writing experience, but I loved Creative Writing. She said, "What's the difference?" I said, "Everything you hate about one, you'll love about the other."

In Journalism, you have to stick to the facts, get moving through the story, and you can't take any time to set anything up. In Creative Writing, it's the exact opposite (in a way). Take your time to set things up...throw in all that "extra" stuff...really enjoy the craft of writing the story. The opposite is also true...in Journalism, you don't have to setup all that stuff...you just get to the story.

One more thing...something that is easy to forget when writing our own stories or reviewing pieces of stories written by others...readers that pick up a novel do it with a small amount of dedication. They have paid money for the book (or at least driven to the library to check it out), cleared at least a portion of time to read, and they really want to enjoy what you've written. They want to like the story. Therefore, what many of us forget when writing/reviewing is that a reader will give you a chapter or two to setup the story. When we write or review, we think, "Come on! Let's get going!" but when we read for pleasure, we need a little setup...even if we have to wait a chapter or two for something big to happen...we'll thank you for it in the end - if we really get to know the characters.

[Flo_the_G]

Yes, Dahael planned the kidnapping.

Well, I didn't guess that much, so no need to kill yourself (or call me genius ), but I did think that Larraus seemed to trust the strange man who brought back his son a bit too quickly. I think that resolving the kidnapping in the same chapter adds to the general sense that something's fishy there (i.e. it serves to foreshadow), so I'd advise against breaking it up into several chapters.

Everything else I would have wanted to point out has already been brought to your attention, so I'll keep it at that.

[Frog]

Thoughts While Reading:
Who is your MC? Moren or Larraus? Pick a head right up front.
A few too many details here on Cider here. Pick out the most important and delete the rest.
If he is guessing on the name, how does he know that Jhace worked for him for so long?
Wow, that's one gutsy servant to lecture the master's son in front of him.
Lots of hints that this isn't the safest place for a boy to be. You are planning on telling us why, right?
Larraus jumps to the kidnapped conclusion so fast, he seems really paranoid, though I was glad to see some details on why (slavers and child armies)
You know, it does make me wonder, if he was so paranoid about kidnappers and knew about all these dangers, why would he EVER leave his kid with an unnamed stranger?
Mention of the wife seems rather abrupt.
Why is he talking exclusively to Dahael? Moren seemed talkative before, so I would think he would be eager to tell his own story and the father would be eager to hear it from him.
Based on the prologue, the suspicious sounding story and his quick/convenient positioning into the household, I'd say that Dahael was in on the kidnapping to begin with... just don't know why or how yet. Now I really want to know Moren's side of the story.
Overall Impression:
Oh, I was sort of right. Yay, me. Anyway... lots of stuff to like in this section. It is a very interesting and suspenseful scene. Some of the transitions just seemed a bit too quick and I would like more characterization for your MC. I think the idea of breaking up the scene somehow and putting some of the panicking off stage is a good one.
Good Luck!

[wcarter4]

It was my intention to make it clear that Moren told the story while the three of them were eating at the table to Larraus and Dahael but I guess one sentence without direct dialog didn't get that across so I'll fix that. Larraus is the main character although he Moren and Dahael are all three going to be view point characters. I'll try and make that more clear both on revisions and especially in future chapters.
I'm working on the break up right now, the revision will have the conclusion of the "kidnapping" happen in the beginning of chapter two.
Thanks Frog.