Sadly, I have just joined the group, so starting with Chapter Six puts me at a disadvantage when it comes to reviewing story elements...so...I'll try to stick primarily to writing...now...LET'S GET PICKY WITH IT!!!
1) For the most part, you write well. You clearly make an effort to communicate your character's experience and environment, and you give the reader a chance to enter the world and scene you've created before demanding they run around in it.
2) Be careful with the sense of drama (or, as I like to call them, the "Bum, bum, BUMMM! moments")...you overuse it a bit in the chapter. I counted up to 8 occurrences of a one-line paragraph seemingly intended to communicate a sense of drama to the reader. That typically only works once in a chapter. After that, the reader feels as if they are expected to board a roller coaster of dramatic moments and just refuses to ride the ride all together.
3) You write good characters. You clearly know who they are and have a sense of where they've been.
4) What is "nonpain"?
5) If you meantion a room and then describe your character walking by the room, no need to mention the room again.
The library. As Aermyst passed the door to the library, he glanced in.
Just cut out the second occurrence of the word "library."
6) Is "predaciously" a word?
7) When Aermyst is trying to book passage, you wrote the following:
Aermyst spoke calmly. What else could he do? "I have friends there, who I believe might be able to help me." True enough.
The "who I believe might be able to help me" doesn't seem to fit the character/situation. Aermyst seems to want to maintain a bit of privacy about his reasons for travelling. To say "who I believe might be able to help me" without saying what they would help him with BEGS a person to ask a question and pry. I think Aermyst would only say, "I have friends there" or "I'm visiting some friends." Then, if the man asks "Hmph. Friends, is it? Only type of friends I know in that area is crystalhearts and thieves...which type might you be?" then it makes him seem more suspicious and nosy of Aermyst.
There are a few times (maybe 2 or 3 times a page..?) where you have a good sentence, and then you go just a bit too far. It makes the sentence sound a bit top-heavy. For example:
Her eyes closed against the flood of tears that threatened to overwhelm her reserve.
Now, that is a very subtle and minor example, but the word "reserve" is not necessary. It only adds to the weight of the sentence.
9) I hope you take this the right way...but the entire exchange between Aermyst and Ilis made the characters sound...well...out of character. They sounded as if they belonged in a teen romance novel.
10) At one point, you say, "Aermyst gasped." I say this with as much sincerety as I can muster...dudes don't "gasp." Experiment with a few different ways for him to show surprise...typically, men go silent and internalize about what they just heard...what do they do? how do they help? how could it have happened? Saying he "gasped" makes him sound like...um...a hairdresser.
11) Remember to use realistic verbs...
She almost snarled,"What?" but forced a smile
...people don't actually "snarl" anything...they say things with a snarl, or they say something and then snarl, or they snarl and then say something, or they just snarl...but snarling is a specific action/sound that does not include verbals. All that to say, the best lesson I ever learned in one of my creative writing classes was not to fear the word "said." A poster on another thread stated this...the word "said" can rarely be overused because it is almost "invisible" to the reader.
12) Teen romance moment:
I thought we broke up
I would find a different way to say this...a grown woman saying "we broke up" sounds like she just lost her date to the prom. A grown woman is definitive...and doesn't typically say "broke up"...
13) You have a long paragraph about the guards...it reminds me of paragraphs I write when i keep thinking of ways what I just wrote may not be feasable...I start rambling, trying to communicate the answer to every question that might come up in that paragraph. Instead, just take a moment, think of all the problems, come up with a simple answer, and write that. Even something as simple as, "Based on their scars and swaggers, the guards had more than a few secrets to tell. They could handle themselves. It was his own neck Aermyst was worried about."
14) Be careful sub-consciously duplicating famous scenes from other sources. The scene at the end between Risk and Aermyst literally screams "Han Solo and Luke Skywalker aboard the Falcon in Star Wars."
15) FINALLY, the end of my long-winded criticism...mostly. I really think you need to ask yourself what the point of the chapter is for you and Aermyst. If it is just to get him from point A to point B in his travels, then you need more. If it is to show him with his sword, then more of that...somehow. If it is to discuss Ilis' parents, etc....then much more of that...but the chapter seems to cover a lot of small things/scenes but nothing really seems to be the point of the chapter. Think of each chapter like a short story...a slice-of-life moment in the character's story...why tell THAT moment in a story?
Overall, you have a good story (as much as I've read of it...) with mostly rich characters (Ilis was a bit one-dimensional...). Things are happening, your characters interact well...but I would say that your best moments in the chapter are when you are writing the bladework scene with the forms. Spend a lot of time asking yourself why THAT scene is your best...and can you use the reason you come up with to better your writing?
Good job, Reaves!!! I enjoyed it.
