Jan 19 - Queen'sOpal - Part 4

[Frog]

Sorry, I was a bit distracted when sending this out, so let me know if you didn't get it. Thanks guys!

[Pipe]

Read your summary and jumped into the first part of Part 4 (that would be mid Chapter 6 i suppose?)

What Worked For Me:
* The ending line to Chapter 6
* Drynn is a sympathetic POV character
* Cindle's motivation is easy to understand and would logically drive her to extremes
* Scrufflings!

Some Notes:
* OK, I had two major plot related speed bumps here:
(1) Drynn and the Arrow: I would have loved to see Drynn's internal turmoil after he found the arrow, especially watching the King's meeting with the dwarves going quickly sour. Hidden internal tension heightened by external tension is gold for a scene. Yet after Chapter 6 ends, the next we see of Drynn is when he's showing the arrow to his father. That basically leaves out what I think might have been the best scene possibility stemming from the finding of the arrow, and that's a shame.
(2) Cindle's Revelation: This one made me really stop and blink. Now, I don't know if there is any foreshadowing of it in the earlier parts, but from simply reading the summary and Part 4, I couldn't find any reason for Cindle to trust Drynn with her plan. It didn't look like she had all that high an opinion of elves in general, and simply being a Prince wouldn't seem to me to be enough to get her to trust him. Maybe if she were desperate and about to be found out... I mean, from how I saw it, if Drynn told the King, not only would it lessen the chance of any elven aid, but it would cast doubt on any future real incursion of the goblins. Maybe seeing it from Cindle's POV would have allowed her reasoning to make more sense to me but as it stood, it left me scratching my head a bit.

Hope this helps ^_^

[Frog]

Yea! Someone actually seems to like Drynn! That is a cause for celebration if nothing else! But besides that, you made some really good points and I will definitely keep them in mind in the rewrite. Thank you!

[Reaves]

just wanted to let you know that I am getting to you eventually, its just I am in the middle of exam week and I'm pretty crunched for time right now!

[Frog]

No worries. Thank you!

[Reaves]

Alright, I finally got to it!
I'm going to say this again, and probably several more times. Your characters are your strength. The dialogue was very good. I was impressed.

However, when the chapter opened up with dialogue, I was a tad confused. I didn't know who was speaking, although Cindle was part of the conversation. In addition, dwarves strike me as the kind of people who really wouldn't care what the tree is like...but that is just me. Write it how you see it happening.

Again, some of Cindle's lines are really great. The 'toothpick' line, the crushed flower line, they were very good. Great characterization.

“Come on Jyrail, it is not their fault. I mean I personally cannot get enough of myself and you are not half bad either.”

I loved this.

Maybe you could foreshadow Cindle's motivations a little bit more. Give her some "this war must end, by any means possible" type dialogue.

Also I found the 'yellow arrow signal' a little unbelievable. You'd have to be looking in exactly the right direction at the right time, and you would probably have to be above the tree cover...plus I don't think you could distinguish the yellow from other colors or from its surroundings at much distance. I suppose if your elves have supernatural senses you could solve that last one, but still.

Oh, and I loved the scrufflings!!

The chapter was long, but not so long that I lost interest. It seemed exactly the right length. Characters are sympathetic, and although I still don't see much of a threat or vested interest of the characters in the plot, it is coming along. Let the journey continue!

[Necroben]

The only thing that I found that really bothered me:  Was when Cindle convinced Drynn to go along with her plan.  I think you did a good job foreshadowing that Drynn’s not pleased with his fathers rule, but it almost seems to border on treason for Drynn to go along with those kinds of actions.  Or if not treasonous then definitely against all custom.  Maybe if he was shown to disagree about his fathers rule more it might help make it more believable.  As of now, it seems that it’s a foregone conclusion that Drynn will go along with Cindle’s idea two sentences into the argument.

Another point:  Drynn seems destined for failure.  When he continually compares himself to his brother and always falls short, I believe him.  He will fall short.  When he shot the arrow into the air, I fully expected it to hurt or kill someone.  At this point, it won’t really be believable if Drynn actually succeeds at anything.  Maybe you could show that while he has low self-esteem he’s really not incompetent.  Unless this is how you want him to be seen.  Just my two cents.

Still I love the story, and your characterization is great.  And I’ll always love the traditional fantasy setting, which you do wonderfully.  I can’t wait for your next submission, action!  lol   

[Frog]

Yeah, I really need to work on connecting my scenes and foreshadowing, but I am afraid that until I know what all what to cut and edit, that is going to be difficult. And I don't think I will know what all to cut until I finish the books (yes, there will be more, no groaning please) so that is where my focus is right now, but I really think it will be good to have all these impressions to look back on when I get to that point, so thank you.

Also I found the 'yellow arrow signal' a little unbelievable. You'd have to be looking in exactly the right direction at the right time, and you would probably have to be above the tree cover...plus I don't think you could distinguish the yellow from other colors or from its surroundings at much distance. I suppose if your elves have supernatural senses you could solve that last one, but still.

This was one I was already worried about. I wanted some way for the elves to signal the rangers if they needed them, and it was the best thing I could think of. Any other suggestions? As you may or may not notice, my elves do have some special skills (hearing/seeing/speed) but they don't use magic so it would have to be something more common place.

Oh, and I loved the scrufflings!! <skip> ...although I still don't see much of a threat or vested interest of the characters in the plot...

And that, my friends, is why I hesitate to hit you over the head with the plot/conflict. I have far too much fun making funny characters to allow the mood to get too tense and somber.... Do you think there is any market for a humor based epic fantasy? Probably not.... Oh well, experimentation is the spice of life and I will keep going to the end of the books and see what happens.

Drynn seems destined for failure.  When he continually compares himself to his brother and always falls short, I believe him.  He will fall short.  When he shot the arrow into the air, I fully expected it to hurt or kill someone.  At this point, it won’t really be believable if Drynn actually succeeds at anything.  Maybe you could show that while he has low self-esteem he’s really not incompetent.  Unless this is how you want him to be seen.  Just my two cents.

Drynn becoming a more confident person is a big part of the story, but you're right. I need to start showing his other talents earlier, even if he will not recognize them as such.

Still I love the story, and your characterization is great.  And I’ll always love the traditional fantasy setting, which you do wonderfully.  I can’t wait for your next submission, action!  lol   

Yep, fight scene in the next chp but I bet all that it will prove is that I shouldn't write fight scenes....

Anyway, you guys are far too nice to me. Thanks for sticking with the story.