1 - 19 - 09 Reaves, Crystalheart: Ch. 5

[Reaves]

As always, thanks for taking the time to look this over! I know this writing group has really helped me a lot!

I mentioned in the email I'm thinking of shortening the "Hallastan" section. It's not what the book is about and to me, its really not all that interesting. (cue instant death.)

Also specifically for this chapter, what do you guys think about the Ilis/Aermyst scene at the end? Did Aermyst seem too arrogant?  He's supposed to be arrogant, but not a jerk 

Thoughts?

[Frog]

Thoughts While Reading:
Oh wow, that didn't take long, did it? He’s already head over heals for this girl and it just seems rushed, unless Aermyst is a romantic that believes in love at first sight, but I really wasn’t getting that kind of feeling from him….

If he knows he needs to go to Londalis, why is he hanging around here in the first place?

This is one of my biggest pet peeves. You’re trying to create excitement and suspense by confusing everyone and it doesn't work. It just irritates people, at least people like me. You already got an exciting suspenseful scene-he is entering a bar full of low lives-so go ahead and set it rather than having him thrown around out of nowhere!

How did he know this particular patch of low lives knew something?

Good fight scene.

And now the low lives are suddenly very helpful after he possibly killed one. Sorry, not buying it.

Why didn’t he see a barber? Never answered the question….

Finally! Some character background!

And now we have a dramatic lovers lost scene that feels way out of place…

Overall impression:
Okay, as you may have gotten from my earlier comments, the story is kinda falling apart for me and mostly because I felt lost, directionless and was losing connection with Aermyst. I think you are trying to make Aermyst too much of a mystery and you really can’t do that for your MC. Some strange poetry reading guy he meets on the street, yes, Aermyst, no. I felt sorry for him when he lost his brother and I understood his current quest for vengeance, but if you want to do love interest and other scenes, I need to know other dimensions and motivations for his character. What kind of person is Aermyst when he’s not chasing silverheaded men? What are his passions, strengths and weaknesses? We finally got some backstory on him when he was talking to Ilis, but it wasn’t with any indication of what he felt about it or what kind of man it turned him into. I’m okay with him hanging around a town and having random encounters as long as I understand why.
And you need to do it for all the background people too, even if you don’t always show it. I know crystalhearts can fly, but what do they do for society? What are their jobs? Shouldn’t he be reporting to someone? Why is Aermyst the only one that seems to care that his caravan was attacked?
In fact, Ilis is probably the one that is coming off as the most real to me right now. I fully understand that she was flattered and intrigued by Aermyst at first, but now the harsh reality of his life scares her, so she is running. I got it and so I like her. And that really is all it takes.
You’ve got an exciting, fast place plot. Full points for that. Now make it believable by showing me something of your world and your characters in every single scene.

Oh, and your questions... As for shortening Hallastan, I don't know if you really need to do that. You just need to develope it more with more minor conflict, setting and character goals we can see and root for rather then just him sitting around in town for no apparent reason. But yes, you need to be aware of what kind of themes and feelings you want in your book, so I guess it really depends on what you want to take from these scenes for later....

I really didn't get much of a reading on Aermyst in that scene to be honest, but if arrogance is a weakness of his, don't sugar coat it. Let him be arrogent. Let him be a jerk. I'll still love him as long as I get to see both sides. In fact, I probably would find it refreshing at this point to get that other side of him.

Wow, this ended up being very long post.... Oh, well. Hopefully at least part of it was helpful and I'll be around to answer questions if any of it was confusing.

Good Luck!

[Reaves]

In response to your post: Damnit!!

Alright. I should let you know that I consider chapters 2-5 the most poorly written of what I've done so far. And if you say the story is falling apart for you already, I'll probably end up trashing at least 3-5 and rewriting them entirely. From peoples comments last week I pretty much failed to describe Tristan the way I see him. And now Aermyst's motivations are lost...crap.

edit. The confusion is probably due to the fact that at this point in writing, I didn't really know where I was going with this.  And then I went back and did a hasty revision at some points, but not others, so its inconsistent.

[jjb]

Agree with Frog for the whole concept stuff, so I'm going to point out a few minor things I saw;

1. Grammar, sentences with missing words, etc. This chapter really really needs to be edited.
2. There was some line like "Barbers are the physicians" that the girl said to Aermyst. Now if barbers are what we would call physicians, then why would they be called barbers? I understand that you're saying barbers cut hair and also mend any injuries people come to them with, but the setting you've given us doesn't seem like a world that would use the word "physician". And if there are no physicians besides the barbers, I don't think the people would think of the barbers as physicians. They would just think that being a barber meant they could cut hair and mend any injuries.
3. I guess this isn't minor, but this whole chapter seemed awkward to me. The way Aermyst and the 'gang' were interacting with each other. Their actions were believable, but the dialogue wasn't. And Aermyst's reaction with the girl was also awkward. Not a "oh no, they're breaking up" awkward, but a "there's no way they would be interacting that way" awkward.

I'm glad you think chapters 2-5 are your worst (how many have you already written?), because I loved ch. 1 and I thought everything about it was great. From ch. 2, though, it all went downhill. I'm semi-interested in the plot and whether Aermyst is going to defeat the big evil bad guy, but that interest in Aermyst is all carried over from the first chapter.

[Reaves]

fun fact: they actually did call doctors "barbers" in the middle ages, at least in Europe. I see your point though, and I've been thinking I want the setting to have a more Eastern feel to it.
I'm not really sure where I was going with the gang  Really, why did I think this chapter was ready to send out again?

I have written 18...no 19...20? chapters. I think its 19.
6 I think is good, better than 2-5 at least, but it still needs some work. 7 is better, 8 is as good as chapter 1, and  11 (if I do say so myself) is brilliant.
But to have whole sections of the book be "bad" is unacceptable.

[Frog]

Aw... don't be too hard on yourself. There were plenty of things to like in these sections and I am saying that without even reading the 1st chp. Editing and staying consistent with later chps is hard (something I am currently struggling with anyway) and your supposed to mess up once in awhile on this forum. Otherwise, I would have nothing to say when I critique you and feel worthless. Just keep going and let us know how we can help because I am looking forward to seeing all that good stuff in the later chps .

[Necroben]

It seems as if Aermyst begs the street people a little too much, and orders Ilis around a little too much.  I could see that he was arrogant before, but now he might have been humbled a bit.  Angry yes, vengeful definitely, but a little unsure of himself now.  Especially with women.  That’s how I would see losing your soul to affect you anyhow.

I don’t have much more to add that the others haven’t already said.  It just seems that Aermyst is a little inconsistent.  He (had?) a lot of money, but he’s not hiring anyone to really work for or with him.  I mean he doesn’t want to be seen by any other crystalhearts and he fears that he’s not up to par for battle; so why not hire others to do his ground walking for him?

I’m still into the story though.  Love this character and I’m really wanting to see him get his own back.  Whether through vengeance and/or getting his crystalheart back, I still want to see him come out on top!  Love this story!

[jjb]

I was just reminded of some other things I noticed:

1) Another strange dialogue thing was that he killed the guy and then he begged the gang to help him. I'm pretty sure begging would ruin his fearsomeness even if he did just kill a guy.

2) Also in that fight scene, there was a line that said Aermyst's blood formed a ball on the tip of his finger and when it fell and hit the ground it shattered into a thousand pieces. Since nothing else was mentioned of that I would assume that it was just to create an image in our minds, but when I was reading it I thought maybe it was a weird ability/attribute of the Soulless. If it was something of significance, it should probably mentioned at least one more time in this chapter.

[jwdenzel]

Respectfully, this was a hard chapter to read.  It's quite a mess, frankly.  Aermyst's motivations are all out of whack, the fight scene is a mess,  and even the typos and grammar errors seem extra noticeable here.   

You say above that chapters 2-5 were your weakest.  Well I can't peak for those others chapters (I actually enjoyed them), but I think you should take a long hard look at this one and see what this chapter is offering your story (if anything). 

Now the good news:

"I don't know what to say." Her voice broke. "I don't know who you are. Who are you?"
   "I am Aermyst," he said, with hands open wide and arms outspread.
   "And what kind of man is Aermyst?" She turned to face him again. "What kind of man are you?"
   He ran his hands through his hair, august red in the poor light. "Ilis, I-"
   "No." She turned again and crossed her arms. "Spare me."

Ah ha!  A theme!  A man with literally no soul is trying to find his soul.  Or something.   Intentional or not, awkward dialogue or not, there's some good stuff here.   Grab hold of that theme and explore it more.  Maybe this is a good time for Aermyst to reflect on what it feels like to be a heartless killer.  All sword talent. All combat.  Is it just a game to him?

I'm still into this story, and I'm still eager to see Aermyst track down the Silver-Haired Man.  I just think chapter 5 is a little extra bumpy.

Looking forward to ch 6.

J

[Flo_the_G]

You said earlier you might want the setting to have more of an Eastern feel to it... well to me, at least, it already has that. I think the desert shoved me in that general direction, and I haven't really read anything that would suggest a Western setting.

Anyway, I think the scene changes in this chapter were a bit too abrupt. He does something in place a, then he's suddenly in place b doing something altogether different, and while we can assume that he walked from a to b, you could have mentioned that having done thing a, he has now gone to do thing b, commence scene at place b.

Ilis seems like an interesting (and believable) character, but her scenes left me wondering as to her importance for the plot. Iirc, before the introduction of Ilis, Aermyst had been the only viewpoint character, right? Assuming that Ilis will play a larger role later on, I think it would have been better to introduce her earlier, for instance to leave the reader wondering what was about to happen to Aermyst after his capture by introducing her, her workplace, etc.
If the one in this chapter should have been her last appearance, then her being a viewpoint character is misleading, and seems out of place.

When Ilis treats Aermyst's wound, the viewpoint wanders from Ilis to Aermyst mid-scene. Also, Ilis forgot to wash the wound.

The whole romance-thing between the two doesn't really work, either. Their dialogue seems to indicate the breaking up of a long, emotional relationship, when they've actually barely seen each other twice.

Now while this chapter was indeed not as good as, say, the first, it wasn't horrifically bad, either, and I still enjoyed reading it and very much look forward to whatever method Aermyst will devise to defeat the bad guy - and to finding out what the deal is with Mr Poetry.