page 1... Big info dump about the Sacramency. Consider thinning that out and revealing the info in more interesting and motivated scenes.
page 3...
Something about this whole conversation struck Aermyst as...odd.
*snark* That makes two of us. ;-)
It does flow awkwardly. Why would Tristian be looking for that book if he already had it memorized? And if he wanted it, why did he refuse it when Aermyst offered it to him? Lots of mixed up motivations here.
More generally, a lot of the dialogue felt forced in this chapter. Both with Tristian and the blacksmith in the next scene. Both of these conversations have messages in there that you want to deliver, but those messages appear to be lost in the awkward beats. (Believe me, I struggle with this too!) Consider outlining these scenes: for each one, list out what each person knows, what they are hiding, and what they are willing to reveal. Most importantly, list out their motivations. For example, WHY does Tristian even bother to share all that info with Aermyst? You don't need to tell the reader, but you need to know why. A normal person would just say "May I see that book when you're done?" Motivation. Motivation. Motivation.
(Can you tell I'm a film guy? LOL)
BTW - the scene with the blacksmith was great. It reminded me a lot of that chapter in the first Harry Potter where he goes to get his wand. The most important part of that scene is where he gets the tips on fighting Sephiroth. (err.... Silver Haired Man). I also like you directly address the impracticality of a sword that's 7 feet long.
The scent of fish was everywhere; Hallastan was built on the shores of the Ened Sharnen, the great lake fed by the Dule. Its main source of food was derived from that water, as the arid desert allowed little farming. To the north there were pastures suitable for raising animals and the lands closest to the Dule were good for cultivation but there was little else.
Finally, some info on how the city functions on the edge of the desert. Consider putting this in the previous chapter. (See my notes from ch 3)
The two halves of the city were seperated by a canal, into which the entire city threw its refuse.
World building note: why would a city on the edge of a desert... probably one that values water a great deal... throw its waste into the river?
Also, in the notes for chapter 3, I challenged you about having all this water randomly in the middle of a desert. Your reply was that it was similar to the Nile. (Touche!) You make a great point. Still, I suggest you do your homework here and make sure your geology is sound. It may fool folks like me who haven't studied geological science since high school, but some day you may have a geologist reading your books and you may want to at least have some reasoning for things. Plus, I suspect that by doing research, you'll find a plethora of ideas for other things going on in the city.
pg 6...
The figure shoved its way through the masses of people, sprinting away. Aermyst squinted in the growing darkness, then dashed after the figure, dodging passers-by and slipping between knots of people. He had a feeling that he knew that figure.
Small suggestion here. You show Aermyst taking action BEFORE we know why. The way it reads now, we have no idea why he takes off, until after he's done so. If you put that last sentence ("He had a feeling...") before saying that he runs, you give the reader a chance to make the same decision as Aermyst. You give them a chance to connect with him. Does that make sense? That way, the reader thinks "Oh, he knows that guy possibly. Let's chase him and find out!" Then ... BAM, Aermyst takes off. Also, his taking off after the dude also becomes motivated. It's a small distinction, and I hope my point is clear.
The last scene with Ilis was nice. I enjoyed reading somebody else's POV, and, I admit, a little surprised that she came back into the story. I like how we get into her head and see things from a new perspective. Three things stood out to me: 1) Everything she thought of revolved around her attraction to the protagonist 2) I didn't feel as though there was sufficient motivation for Aermyst to give her a romantic gift. It almost seems like we missed a scene earlier where they had a second chance to build a relationship. And 3) This line:
"You are one of the most insufferable men I have ever met!"
reeks so heavily of Nynaeve from The Wheel of Time that it made me laugh out loud.
Looking forward to chapter 5!
J
