1-5-09 - Ace Tomato Company - Chapter Two

[M]

Ok, here is my brief synopsis of chapter one in case you forgot or didn't read it.

The name of the main character of this book has not be revealed and is simply referred to by his Intel Op name 323.  At this point the reader should not have much of an idea what an Intel Op is.  323 is trying to graduate from his training to be an Intel Op, so at the moment he is still just in school, not in the field.  For his final test, he is given an objective that he must complete all the while he must incorporate the help of two civilians as part of the test.  These civilians are hand picked by him, which causes a minor dilemma for 323.

Chapter one is set in the year 2010 (a new change I added based on feedback).  Chapter two starts some 13 years in the past and the book begins from here.  This chapter was originally my opening chapter but I decided to add my present chapter one as a means to hook the reader, because Chapter two is designed to introduce the three main characters of the book.

Ok, hope that wasn't too confusing.  Thanks everyone, and I WILL start critiquing more submissions this week, sorry I'm so behind.

[wcarter4]

Wow, it's hard to tell it's even the same story with such a drastic change in voice and mood.
You do realise you moved from 3rd person omniscient in chapter one to 3rd limited right in this chapter right? For the record, I think you make it work a lot better.
The flashback to childhood is nice, but it fails to show a picture of just what was so bad about 323's past if he is really supposed to be one of those characters. You might also consider setting up a transition between one and two if that's the order you intend to keep them in.
Overall there isn't much to complain about. I'm going to give each submission a more in-depth second read and post again if I find anything I missed on the first run.

[M]

I think you are right about the move from 3rd person omniscient to 3rd limited.  The reality is I wrote those two chapters 7 months apart, so I need to go back and fix that.  Thanks for catching it.  Also, just for others reference, this chapter is just to get you to know the characters better, not to know the past of 323 and why it is so bad.  Thanks wcarter4!

[Frog]

Thoughts while reading:

Okay, first sentence is definitely a hook, but I'm lost as far as setting and character (who even said the first sentence, and why?). There is a big difference between confusion and suspense. Don't confuse your audience for very long. It is a big turn off for me. I HATE being confused. Constantly guessing what will happen next, yes; confused, no.

Dialogue is really good and pacing of details is not bad either. Lots of points from me there. But the word discovered? *wince* Who talks like that? It's 'caught,' not 'discovered.'

Okay, lots of 'telly' details about the mom. At first it was fun, by the end it was annoying. Pick your favorites than 'show' me the rest.
 
Whao! Character 'telly' information overload on all of them now. For a first draft it is fine, you need to know and establish these things about your characters for yourself, but in a book you have plenty of time to show/tell us these things as we go rather than spoon feeding it to us all at once. Just like the mom, pick your favorite telly details and show us the rest. Don't tell us something you are planing to show and visa versa.
Ex: I can tell by his friends' reactions after the mom left that Sam's attempt to butter her up was fake and annoying, so I don't need it in the narration. 

Watch the tags. Your dialogue is good enough that it should be easy to use said or drop a few tags all together and still get your point across.

Over all impression:

It felt completely different than your first submit style wise and it was harder to tell where you are going with all this, but I loved the characters and loved the scene and had a lot of fun reading it. Sentence style was good and the scene flowed pretty well.

Keep it up!

[M]

Wow, really good points Frog.  I appreciate it a lot.  I'll go back and fix it so the mom and other characters aren't over characterized.  Thanks again.

[Necroben]

The only thing that I found inconsistent was their size.  Six-one is adult range and they’re acting like children.  You have a 12 year gap so unless they are in their mid 30’s later on it doesn’t seem to fit.

You did a great job of setting up the camaraderie between the three of them though I often thought they were all brothers.  Are they?  OK, maybe not Sam, but the other two?

Over all I think you did great setting up their shared history, and I would defiantly keep reading.

[M]

The only thing that I found inconsistent was their size.  Six-one is adult range and they’re acting like children.

Perfect...I nailed it then.  They are acting like children...immature teenagers tend to do that.  Yes, in the "future" they are in their early 30's. 

They are not brothers, just friends.  Thanks for the critique.  I appreciate it a lot.

[Reaves]

Middle school, yes I could see my way to one of them drooling all over the other. But 16-18? No way.

I too found the voice and style very different. I think this one flows much better, but you might need to go back and make it a bit more consistent.

At first I wasn't sure if Sam and Gurr were Matt's friends or enemies. You might want to make it a bit clearer.

I found the dialogue pretty well done and I felt there was really good interaction between the different characters.

I'm guessing that Matt is the 323 from chapter one, and he is going to choose Sam and Gurr, but I don't really see why.   This chapter was pretty short, maybe you can add something that will convince me that these two guys are trustworthy?