Author Topic: Jan 5 - Queen'sOpal - Part 3  (Read 1788 times)

Frog

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Jan 5 - Queen'sOpal - Part 3
« on: January 05, 2009, 08:52:42 AM »
Here we go again with part three.
Along with your regularly scheduled ripping and clawing, I would like some input on the Cindle scenes (chp 3 and beginning of chp 5). Do they flow well enough/interest you enough to keep, or are they just redundant?
Thanks guys!
I've already conquered the world. This is exactly the way I want it.

Necroben

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Re: Jan 5 - Queen'sOpal - Part 3
« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2009, 06:41:23 AM »
Her darkly chiseled eyes and long bushy hair of the same colorÖ
What color?

Cindle
Is that pronounced Kindle?

Ö she refused to be coddled in this way.
Are there other ways sheís willing to be coddled?

ďDonítcha think your overacting justa we bit?Ē
I think that would be wee, at least thatís the way Iíve seen it written.

Along with your regularly scheduled ripping and clawing, I would like some input on the Cindle scenes (chp 3 and beginning of chp 5). Do they flow well enough/interest you enough to keep, or are they just redundant?

I don't think that scene was redundant.† It definitely had a place there setting up the meeting with the elves.† I found that part to be... overly somber.† If dwarves are naturally stoic then I wouldn't expect the (and this is more a feeling than anything) lethargic pace to their emotions.† That might be the wrong word but Cindle seemed more dispirited than sad.† I hate it that I can't be anymore specific but that was the general feel I got from that character.

I did like the way you showed that Elves and Dwarves come from radically different worlds and philosophies.† Their differences are more than skin deep.

I'm interested to see what the shadows are and how they will/could affect the coming conflict.† Your setting is a beautiful example of classic Fantasy and I'm looking forward to seeing it unfold.
I don't suffer from insanity...† I enjoy every minuet of it!

It's ok to be strange, as long as it's on paper. :)

Frog

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Re: Jan 5 - Queen'sOpal - Part 3
« Reply #2 on: January 06, 2009, 07:19:17 AM »
I certainly don't expect it, but it's really nice to have a few people stick with the story, so thank you so much!

Cindle
Is that pronounced Kindle?
I'm terrible at phonetics so I'm not going to be too upset if you butcher any of my names, but I pronounce it like Cindy; which was my oh-so creative way of combining too fire things and making it a name (Cinder and Kindle). I know. I'm just that amazing.  ;)


I found that part to be... overly somber.
Yeah, that was kind of what was worrying me. We just had some mourning going on with the elves and then to have it with the dwarves too made me think the audience would be worried that we were going to be mourning the whole book, when that really isn't the case. It's just set to be a bonding point for Drynn and Cindle later... after they are done being annoyed with each other, that is :). But I do think it is a good intro for Cindle, so I'll just have to keep looking at it....
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Reaves

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Re: Jan 5 - Queen'sOpal - Part 3
« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2009, 04:01:21 AM »
I think having a character at the forge is a great way to introduce us to a daily occupation of medieval life that we never see anymore. Do some research and get in depth; describe to us what she is doing. Sure, its been done before- who cares?

I like the segment as she is thinking about the clans and the goblin war while forging.

You've given yourself a great opportunity by taking something we all know well from fantasy novels- the dwarves- and showing it from the perspective a someone we almost never see- a female dwarf. use that.

lol at the kritta.  :)

I understand the scruffling is a big deal to the elves, but that particular incident seems to drag on a bit longer than it needs to. Maybe you can cut out some of the extraneous thoughts and dialogue?
Otherwise, looks pretty good. This chapter failed to draw me in quite as much as the second one had, and I think it is because there wasn't as much character interaction. I see that as one of your strengths.



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Frog

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Re: Jan 5 - Queen'sOpal - Part 3
« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2009, 06:14:45 PM »
You've given yourself a great opportunity by taking something we all know well from fantasy novels- the dwarves- and showing it from the perspective a someone we almost never see- a female dwarf. use that.

I intend to. Or are you implying that I already missed the mark? Thatís unfortunateÖ To be honest I donít like dwarves as much as I like elves. Though they can be fun to have in the background, I see them as very static characters but kinda felt the two had to go together (where there is elves there has to be dwarves) so I tried it anyway. It wasnít until I made my main dwarf female that I started to have fun with it. All those girly emotions in a society that sees such things as beneath them leads to some interesting conflict, at least in my mindÖ

Otherwise, looks pretty good. This chapter failed to draw me in quite as much as the second one had, and I think it is because there wasn't as much character interaction. I see that as one of your strengths.

I will choose to take that as a complement, so thank you. Used to be that was all my book was. Me, entertaining myself by making lots of characters/creatures/cultures then trying to guess what would happen if I mixed them all together. Things like scenery/sensory details, action sequences and, oh yeah, an actual plot, all came later and I struggle with those things all the time. Which is why, in a nutshell, that it took me 7 years (and counting) to write a book that still needs a lot of help, but thatís what I get for being a female writer.... It may be a very hasty generalization that I will get tarred and feathered for but Iíve noticed that the books written by boys tend to be more action/plot driven and the ones written by girls tend to be more character/emotionally driven, at least in general. Which is why Iím glad that there seems to be so many boys on here to help me outÖ not that I donít appreciate the girls too, itís just fun to get both perspectives.

But I am rambling/going on tangents again, so letís just leave it at that. I will look at all the things you mentioned (and do my research; go wiki!), so thank you!
I've already conquered the world. This is exactly the way I want it.