Ascension, Chapter 5 - 1/05/09

[Yusuke]

You know exactly what you wanna do here ~_^.  Tear it up and roundhouse kick me for dessert lol.

Question- For those that read the past Ascension Episodes (1, 2, 3, and 4), do you agree that Raven should get an intelligence boost and tone down a little on the anger?  Even though some said they thought it'd work after knowing it was going to be turned into an Anime/Manga and not a book, I still feel like Raven needs the above boosts.  I was talking to Chaos about it the other day and just wanted to see what some of you thought on that.  Everyone just seemed to think Raven was over the top violent and angry.  So, I just wanted to know if anyone had any suggestions on how I could better him while still keeping him based around what he currently is.

[Frog]

Alright, it took me a bit longer to get to this one (mostly cause I was scared after Raven) but you did promise me a new character, and I have a severe case of writer's block in Heir, so here I go....

Your question first: My first thought is a resounding YES, but I guess it depends on what your goal is in boosting up his intelligence and toning done his anger. If you are trying to make him more likable, you would have a long way to go and I wouldn't think just those boosts would fix it, but if you just what to tone it down a bit so we don't run away screaming so fast, than good. I can handle an angry person, just as long as I don't have to go so far into his head as you had it last time, get a break from him every once in awhile and don't have to see all the fruits of his labors (ie all sorts of poor people dying every two seconds). But if you don't tone down the anger, I wouldn't want him any smarter than he is already because then he would be smart, nasty, and magical and I would never feel safe in a dark alley again!

Thoughts while reading:
'gasps of air were heard' by who and who's making them? Sentence seems a little awkward....
Ah, so it is this Isaac fellow who is gasping. Must be a way to simplify this concept.

And were back to the swearing... This doesn't bode well...

You have a tendency to use a lot of phrases like 'suddenly,' 'before he knew what was happening,' 'now,' 'instantly responded,' and it is all fluffy. If it's his initial response, just have him do it first.

Is your paragraph on essences supposed to do anything but confuse me at this point? I assume it's details on your magic system, but it is all going over my head... but that's what I get for being less intelligent than the average bear... maybe it will make more since later.

Your transitions/reactions seem a bit abrupt. Like you spend a lot of time telling me how surprised he is and describing the town (good descriptions by the way) setting me up for a leisurely pace, and now he is frantically banging at the door. When did that happen? And then again Marlon seems to have an complete change of heart about Isaac, but I guess it had to do with the magic (which was also cool)...

Tone down the accent a little bit. It's a bit jarring right now. I do like the dialogue overall though.

Wow, Isaac must be really light! Marlon is just flinging him around! But I thought Isaac was taller than him...

Overall Impression:
Alright, a lot different from last time. Before I felt I knew everything there was to know about your characters (and it wasn't pretty) and now I don't know much about this new guy except his post and use of magic. So I don't hate him, but I     don't love him yet either... which I see as a big improvement, so thumbs up over here. Scene (interaction between Isaac and Marlon)was very good, once we got to it but you could very easily cut down all that time he stands in the snow thinking without missing much. That may be it from me... Good writing, good descriptions, and good work.

Now I have to go back to Heir again... sometimes I wish parts of my book would just write themselves.... *sigh*

[Chaos]

Suke and I have been talking about Raven, and at least on the base level, we decided to make him more mysterious. That way, he's more scary because you aren't sure why he's hacking off your limbs. The unknown is quite scary

I'm curious, Frog, what did you think of the setting? The deadness of it? Did it feel pretty dead? That's one thing we were focusing on revising in this newer version.

The magic is complicated. We're going to try and work out a way to explain it in nice bite-size chunks, but I think the important part to realize is that there's a lot of different types of the magic. Twenty-five, actually. It could be best if we toned down the magic-theory aspect of it.

(Though Isaac kind of likes it, so you may continue to see more of it for a while)

[Frog]

Ah, so you fully intend for me to be lost, confused and afraid of dark alleys... well, I personally don't see that as much a hook, but if that is what you and your chosen audience wants, then go for it.

Now that you mention it, it did feel rather empty. Almost like Marlon is the only person in town...all alone with his blood red soup. Poor guy. Makes me wonder why he doesn't want visitors than... but maybe Raven was calling earlier. 

Hey, go ahead and complicate your magic system. I'm really not one that thinks about it too much to ever call you on it if you never fully explain what is going on, just as long as I got the basics and you know what's going on.

[Chaos]

Well, Raven's not really the main character. He's really more like the trigger for the plot.

Yes, the city is empty... Hmmm, though you bring up a good point. It needs to be more vicious The world is not exactly in a good place, you see. It must be fleshed out

Oh, trust me. It will be explained. Suke can tell you how good I am at explaining. I could explain it right now. But I think I'll let the story run its course.

[Frog]

Oh, that plot thing again. Plots.. always standing at the head of all my cases of writing block. I mean, who needs them anyway? Grr...

More vicious? I am pretty sure I was saying that I was already terrified out of my mind, thank you very much. But then, you seem to enjoy that state of mind so kudos to you. Either way, it's definitely bedtime now and if I start having nightmares about Raven and blood red soup, I am holding you personally responsible! 

[Reaves]

The first couple pages have so far failed to grab my interest, but the city does feel very empty and dead. As for the entire setting, do you mean the whole world? Is the entire world like this? I felt the city where Raven was killing everyone was dead as well.

So far I don't really care about Isaac. Give him more of a personality. Make the story character-driven, not plot-driven.

one point: United Union keeps on making me think of Soviet Union. Also, its kind of repetitive, like saying the same word twice.

other than that, I don't really have much for you. If this is just going to be an anime/manga, do you want us to point out prose that we thought didn't work well?

[Yusuke]

Well, any advice is welcomed.  Ascension is probably going to be redone, as when I wrote all these I was on a deadline of three days each.  However, I'm going to go back and take my nice sweet time on it.

If you're referring to me using the same words twice (excluding Dialogue), then it's because I don't pay much attention to that.  While it makes it a little annoying to read, it's not really going to play apart in the Manga/Anime.  That is, unless it's Dialogue that has a problem o_O.  Though I'll probably make sure the words have a smoother flow just the same when I redo it.  It doesn't hurt to get better at actually writing lol.

You say it's not drawing you in, and that you don't find it interesting.  Can you be more detailed on why that is?  I mean, is it Raven (LoL, I knew everyone would dislike him)?  Is it the way I'm telling it?  Can you suggest anything that would give it more life?  Really the main things that I think matter are Dialogue, Imagery, Personality, Characters, and Plot.  I'm sure there's other little details, but those are the main ones I think that should be focused on.  Drawing emotions and showing them seems a lot easier to me than describing and writing about them x_x;.  Though Dialogue would play a crucial role in that...

As for the United Union, Chaos was the one who came up with that lmao.  I even pointed out to him that each word basically means the same thing XD (Might talk to him about redoing that...).   Even though it seems a bit repetitive, I think with some adjustments it should be good for a Manga/Anime.  Since showing is often much easier than telling, at least to me.  Really though, anything anyone can think of that could make Ascension better is definitely welcomed.