Author Topic: Jan 5th, 2009 - Birthright - Chapter 2  (Read 2439 times)

Dangerbutton

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Jan 5th, 2009 - Birthright - Chapter 2
« on: January 05, 2009, 05:43:04 AM »
 I hope you enjoyed this one. I had originally intended to submit it with chapter 1, because they really go together, but didn't finish it in time (I'm lazy, see). Anyhow, I have appreciated all the feedback I'm getting. Thanks everyone!

wcarter4

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Re: Jan 5th, 2009 - Birthright - Chapter 2
« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2009, 04:00:34 PM »
I'm certainly enjoying the story so far. I didn't see any major problems on my first read through except that Leringould shouldn't have let Boone touch his gun. I doubt anyone would be that stupid, and while it doesn't have to be changed if  eventually answered, WHY would Leringould not know at least a little bit about the birthright of the man he was chasing after? It makes even less sense if they had encountered one another before.
If you ever find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

Dangerbutton

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Re: Jan 5th, 2009 - Birthright - Chapter 2
« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2009, 09:26:20 PM »
I didn't see any major problems on my first read through except that Leringould shouldn't have let Boone touch his gun. I doubt anyone would be that stupid, and while it doesn't have to be changed if  eventually answered, WHY would Leringould not know at least a little bit about the birthright of the man he was chasing after? It makes even less sense if they had encountered one another before.


I had hoped it would be evident from Warren's comments at the end of the chapter, but what Boone has is NOT a typical Birthright. From what Leringould observed, his assumption was that it was a more common Birthright, one that only enhanced his physical capabilities (Similar to Rogers' Birthright from the Prologue). What Boone possesses is, in fact,  far different. With just about any regular Birthright, Boone shouldn't have been able to get away with anything while surrounded by armed men. When Boone touched Leringould's gun, although it made the men more wary of whatever Boone might do, they had no way of expecting that Boone would even be capable of pulling a stunt  like he did.
I suppose I'll have to revise it slightly to make that more evident. Thanks for the observation.

wcarter4

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Re: Jan 5th, 2009 - Birthright - Chapter 2
« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2009, 11:40:27 PM »
Your welcome, :) but what I meant was birthrights aside, there are many disarming techniques for firearms (especially pistols) that have been around since their invention.  Powers or no authorities are generally not dumb enough to let someone touch their gun.
This knowledge comes from over eight and a half years of experience in various martial arts. I think you can make it work though, if since it's evident that he is already surrounded by people with guns.
If you ever find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

Dangerbutton

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Re: Jan 5th, 2009 - Birthright - Chapter 2
« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2009, 01:04:05 AM »
I think you can make it work though, if since it's evident that he is already surrounded by people with guns.

That was exactly the reason he got away with it.

Frog

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Re: Jan 5th, 2009 - Birthright - Chapter 2
« Reply #5 on: January 06, 2009, 06:11:41 AM »
Thoughts while reading:
Wow, lots of points from me at the beginning. You get right into the scene with good details and enough good dialogue to keep it going. Perfect.

Some of the phrases you used just struck me as awkward. I could figure them out, it just seemed to disrupt the flow. Like this one: 'Even among those that would brand him as a heretic, there were so many Boone was guilty of' and this one :'which only increased the tension in the weapons that were pointed at him.'

'roldt' are we supposed to know what that means? I don't think it's a name...

Some fluffy, 'telly' phrases that can be deleted: 'reading Boone’s actions' 'Quickly analyzing his surroundings' 'determining which direction Boone had to run. '

'“Curse the Birthright!” Boone muttered' Which is it? is he yelling (!) or muttering? Watch the tags.


'Where were the stairs?' Great chance for internal thought. Italize it.


A lot of your sentences seem a bit too telly and too long and I would break your paragraphs more.
Ex: 'The second story must have housed the owner and staff of the tavern, which was why the stairs were hidden somewhere in the kitchen.' I don't care what's on the second story, especially if you are going to show me latter, so just have him guess that the stairs are hidden in the kitchen and go from there.

'And with those words, Boone proceeded to surprise, shock, astound, bewilder, and foil his captors.' How did he do that? Show me and skip the fluff.

'While Boone was generally quick to make witty remarks.' Never tell me if a character is witty in the narration. You might get away with it if another character says it, but mostly you are going to have to show me.

Overall impression:
Most of my stuff was nit picky and up to debate because I really thought it was good and moving right along. Just cut some of the fluff and telling details. And I am still lost on the magic system, but I never did read the prologue, so that may be where my problem is....

Good Luck!
« Last Edit: January 06, 2009, 06:28:39 AM by Frog »
I've already conquered the world. This is exactly the way I want it.

Reaves

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Re: Jan 5th, 2009 - Birthright - Chapter 2
« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2009, 01:14:21 AM »
Wow I was once again impressed with your submission. Each time you send something out it only seems better than what came before. You kept me interested and involved the entire time. I don't really have much to add, except my agreement that Leringould shouldn't let Boone grab his gun, and a few weird sentences like these:

Quote
And with those words, Boone proceeded to surprise, shock, astound, bewilder, and foil his captors.

Quote
While Boone was generally quick to make witty remarks

Otherwise I thought it was very good. The pacing worked well and it just seemed overall very smooth. Keep writing it like that!
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maxonennis

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Re: Jan 5th, 2009 - Birthright - Chapter 2
« Reply #7 on: January 09, 2009, 02:08:15 AM »
I read all three of your chapters in one (the prologue and the first two chapters), and reading it as such, the story makes quite a bit of sense, so this is more of a berief review of all three in one. I read all the critiques on your chapters as well so I would know what was already said.

I was hooked almost from the start of the story, very fast passed, and very involving for me as a reader.

Throughout you have the tendency to uses awkward phrasing, and sentences every few pages. They aren’t really numerous, but every once in a while you write something that sounds like it should be in third person omniscient rather than limited and it throws me out of the story.

However, my biggest complaint is that I had assumed that the boy who the men in the prologue were looking for would be the main character and so far it doesn’t seem that way. That in and of itself isn’t a complaint, but the fact that if he is as I suspect, then he probably should’ve been introduced in at least the second chapter—on one waits past chapter three for the introduction to the main character.

All in all it is a very entertaining story so far.
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Dangerbutton

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Re: Jan 5th, 2009 - Birthright - Chapter 2
« Reply #8 on: January 09, 2009, 06:42:41 AM »
However, my biggest complaint is that I had assumed that the boy who the men in the prologue were looking for would be the main character and so far it doesn’t seem that way. That in and of itself isn’t a complaint, but the fact that if he is as I suspect, then he probably should’ve been introduced in at least the second chapter—on one waits past chapter three for the introduction to the main character.

Okay, I'll go ahead and let you all know right now that the boy mentioned in the prologue is not the main character. He will be a very important one, but Boone is the main character.

maxonennis

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Re: Jan 5th, 2009 - Birthright - Chapter 2
« Reply #9 on: January 09, 2009, 04:26:06 PM »

Okay, I'll go ahead and let you all know right now that the boy mentioned in the prologue is not the main character. He will be a very important one, but Boone is the main character.

That's what I thought, but I wanted some comframation.
"Don't argue with ignorance. And when you argue with me, that's all you get!" Mike

Maxonennis’ soliloquy on Frog relations: “How can I bake the hall in the candle of her brain?”