Author Topic: Fateshapers Ch.2 - 12/29/08  (Read 2062 times)

AvalonDreamer

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Fateshapers Ch.2 - 12/29/08
« on: December 29, 2008, 11:10:49 PM »
Well, folks, here it is in all of it's oddity. I hope it clears up some of the issues you guys had with it ^ ^, but most of all I hope you like it and can be fair enough to give it a good ripping.
My friends held an intervention, to stop my ridiculous plans to take over the world (Jake ended up in the hospital). I convinced them to let me take over other worlds though.

*Evil grin*

RIP: James Oliver Rigney, Jr.

jjb

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Re: Fateshapers Ch.2 - 12/29/08
« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2008, 01:26:23 AM »
Yeah, I'm still unsure about their ages and whether they'd be able to fight so well at those ages. Also, you would think a sword found on an archaeological dig would be in a museum, not in the house of the digger.

And towards the end Dani(or whatever her name is) sighed when the spear missed Lias. Sighing implies disappointment unless you say sighed in relief or something like that. But at the speed a spear flies, she shouldn't have had time to sigh before the spear hit Fuei anyway.

Necroben

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Re: Fateshapers Ch.2 - 12/29/08
« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2008, 01:35:45 AM »
Page 14

6th paragraph indent, end of 2nd sentence:  Were they God friends or good friends?

8th paragraph indent:  A die or some dice.

I could believe Dani’s anger at the orange-eyed kid, but why did she go anyway?  And even though we don’t know much about Holly, why would she just follow blithely along?

I like your story.  On the other hand I'm finding it hard to compair to/care for the characters.

I like the pacing, but I get lost at times with the pov switches.  I wasn't sure that Jordan had even died, it sounded like he passed out.

Thats one heck of a cliff-hanger though. ;D
« Last Edit: December 30, 2008, 01:38:36 AM by Necrobells will be ringing »
I don't suffer from insanity...  I enjoy every minuet of it!

It's ok to be strange, as long as it's on paper. :)

Reaves

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Re: Fateshapers Ch.2 - 12/29/08
« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2008, 01:36:56 AM »
I'm gonna go ahead and critique chapter one first, then go back later and do chapter two.

On my second reread, I noticed that Lias Adair is quite similar to your own first name. Was that purposeful? Really cool name, btw.

Are they at school or at someone's house?

I still think they should be much more surprised by the blood-soaked knives and werewolves than they are.

Also, typical modern fencers don't use rapiers, but either sabres, epees, or foils. Also, they aren't sharp and don't use a scabbard. Some people in my fencing class kept theirs in a PVC pipe to prevent rust, but that was about it.

Also, what type of fence is this? How tall? They could probably just jump or climb over it.

I think this was mentioned before but when you said something along the lines of:
"The strange boy on the floor looked to be passed out or dead; for his sake he hoped it was the latter."
The 'latter' is referring to dead. The person thinking this is hoping that the strange boy is dead.

When Jordan wishes he had never met Lias Adair, because of things like this, it makes me think he's run into danger like this before. Is that what you meant? It's a good line.

From what I remember, this version seems much better and more polished than what you sent out before. No confusion over who was speaking, etc. I like it. I'll critique chapter 2 soon.
Quote from: VegasDev
RJF: "AHA! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Cairhien, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a warder when he is only the distraction! Get him Rand! Buzzzzzzz!

Reaves

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Re: Fateshapers Ch.2 - 12/29/08
« Reply #4 on: January 01, 2009, 06:02:34 PM »
Alright, finally I get some time for chapter 2!!

Interesting that the result of using the marble is that he gets old cuts and scrapes back. Good cost for your magic system.

Question: do you have Fuei purposely not use any contractions? It's kinda annoying. Maybe there is another way you could use to differentiate his speech patterns?

Maybe you could say that Dani is something of a historian too; somehow she found a fencing trainer who teaches a more practical style, something they would have used circa 1600's. Cause modern fencing...just doesn't work in real combat  :P

I think there might be a bit more surprise when Fuei says that this war against the Shadow spans worlds. As far as we know these are just ordinary schoolkids.

Oh good, now that they know Jordan is dead there are some questions asked. It's about time!

wow, interesting way to end the chapter! Talk about cliffhangers!

I've noticed that you might tend to use descriptions of the characters, instead of their names, too much. "red haired, boy, little girl." A lot of times I've found myself confused as to who was speaking. Don't be too worried about feeling repetitive because you use someones name several times in a paragraph; to a reader, names are practically invisible.
   Good work!
Quote from: VegasDev
RJF: "AHA! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Cairhien, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a warder when he is only the distraction! Get him Rand! Buzzzzzzz!

Frog

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Re: Fateshapers Ch.2 - 12/29/08
« Reply #5 on: January 01, 2009, 08:01:17 PM »
Okay, wasn't here for the first round, so I am critiquing both at the same time....

Alright, I can understand you wanting to get to the action right away as your attention getter, but you introduce so many characters and so many things about your world in general all at once that I found it overwhelming and a bit confusing. I, personally, would have appreciated a scene or two just introducing a few of these things before all the blood/guts/gore, especially the characters, which would make me care more about the outcome of said battle and make Jordan's death more dramatic. Maybe you could use Fuei as your hook by subtly introducing his mission and then use that to carry you through to the other characters going about there daily lives before he shows up...just a suggestion.
 
One nit picky thing I think I’ll mention just because I’ve seen it a few times now, when you do a quote and followed by a tag use a comma, not a period, and the tag would all be all lower cased. Like this:
“My name is Fuei Nako, of Wardengard.” He said, bowing slightly. “Now, we must go,
before we are set upon.”
Should read like this:
“My name is Fuei Nako, of Wardengard,” he said, bowing slightly. “Now, we must go,
before we are set upon.”

“That wouldn't be they, would it?”
Unless your people have a new fancy way of talking, it would be them, not they.
 
Seems rather reckless for him to go after the crystal since it doesn’t seem all that significant based on his description of it. That, and he seems a bit of a klutz to have so much trouble getting it even before the werewolves come.

POV (Lias to Fuei) shift seems a bit abrupt, maybe you could add a break or some kind of mark to set it off better (like *s or #’s). I'm not sure what the text book would tell you, but I have a lot of POV shifts in my book too and what I do is leave a space for time breaks of the same character, and use a symbol for POV shifts. W/e you decide to do, just make sure your consistent.

I'd believe it of Fuei, because he is mysterious enough, but for the rest, I would need some more background to believe their weapon wielding prowess. And why, exactly, where they chopping up the fence? Just to get past it? There has to be an easier way....

Wow, lots of POV shifts, and lots of characters going unconscious/dying. If I knew enough about these characters to care about them it would be dramatic, but right now I kind of find it annoying....

The descriptors instead of the names is a bit annoying to. At the end, when it said that the guy with orange eyes got speared, I had to scroll back up to make sure that was Fuei you were talking about.

I liked your werewolves though...they were evil, but cool. Always good :)

Good luck and good work.
I've already conquered the world. This is exactly the way I want it.

AvalonDreamer

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Re: Fateshapers Ch.2 - 12/29/08
« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2009, 03:16:23 AM »
Names are getting to be a mean little sticking point for me. Each time I begin to use their names, people start freaking out on how they know each other's names. When I do a re-write of Ch1 I'll take care of that muck, I think.

Dani is the only one (other than Fuei) who knows how to fight at all, and yes, it's more 17th century heavy-fighting than fencing (my bad on using the wrong wording... ^ ^;).

I like beating up my characters (emotionally and physically), especially Fuei, because he can take it. So far though, everything (except Jordan cutting down the fence instead of jumping it) has had a purpose, though it seems more and more now that it needs reworked to make more sense.

What about the flashback in the beginning? I've gotten mixed feelings on that in my alpha group.
My friends held an intervention, to stop my ridiculous plans to take over the world (Jake ended up in the hospital). I convinced them to let me take over other worlds though.

*Evil grin*

RIP: James Oliver Rigney, Jr.

Frog

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Re: Fateshapers Ch.2 - 12/29/08
« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2009, 06:51:36 PM »
You mean the flashback to the dig? Well, I was okay with it. I mean I didn't see it adding much to the scene at hand, but I was willing to give you the benefit of a doubt that it would become more important later. General rule about flashbacks though is the fewer the better so we can keep the current story going. :)
I've already conquered the world. This is exactly the way I want it.

Reaves

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Re: Fateshapers Ch.2 - 12/29/08
« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2009, 09:35:08 PM »
The flashback explained a lot about how their house came to be populated with ancient weapons. Also I assume the sword that she finds is important, as is the marble. As a reader I trust you.
Quote from: VegasDev
RJF: "AHA! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Cairhien, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a warder when he is only the distraction! Get him Rand! Buzzzzzzz!