Author Topic: Dec 29 - Queen'sOpal - Part 2  (Read 2236 times)

Frog

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Dec 29 - Queen'sOpal - Part 2
« on: December 29, 2008, 09:00:05 AM »
I think I said all I needed to in the email, so just direct all your fiery darts this way! You know you want to… ;)
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jjb

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Re: Dec 29 - Queen'sOpal - Part 2
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2008, 09:46:39 AM »
These two (or 1.5) chapters moved the story along and we're hoping going to get some action soon, so that's good. But I would like to see more lower elf interaction, not just T and D with the Kings and Queens of the other elf nations. Sure, they're royalty, but it seems to me like the elves are people who interact regardless of class. And I'm not seeing much of the High elf-> lower elf interaction.

That's all for now. Except for grammar and other little stuff, I thought the story is being moved along quite nicely. Though I've been expecting to see a dragonet pop up randomly.

Frog

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Re: Dec 29 - Queen'sOpal - Part 2
« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2008, 12:36:44 AM »
Thank you Jjb!
You got me curious though; did you read the last bit? Because it had Tayvin and Drynn interacting with others their age, but these scenes kinda lend themselves to be exclusive (gotta get the Tayvin/Drynn relationship down now before I can move to anything else). But there will be more chances in the next couple chapters too. More action? Well eventually;  my blood/guts/gore tend to be a bit more spread out than some of these other stories I've been reading on here but definitely more conflict. That's for sure. :)
I'm beginning to think I need to write a disclaimer about those dragonets... or at least a count down. "You're only two hundred and some odd pages away...." :)
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Reaves

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Re: Dec 29 - Queen'sOpal - Part 2
« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2008, 01:08:31 AM »
Yay, Queen's Opal! This one is probably the most "fantasy-ish" in that you have wizards, elves and dragons, and I love it for that.

First off, this sentence seemed to be phrased a bit awkwardly to me.
Quote
The colors swirled with an inner light that glowed like it had a life of its own.
Also, I'm not sure it needs its own indent- I assume magical things are not all that rare in your world, and Drynn has seen the opal many times now. It just seems to give false suspense.

There doesn't seem to be anything especially striking about your dialogue, but I really like it. Maybe its because you really get into the characters heads, why they say what they say.

You gave us a lot of information about elves, humans, and their history in general, without turning it into an info-dump. Kudos.

As I read through your second chapter I can't help but notice that your style flows pretty well. Its not overly fancy, its not overly clunky, and it gets the job done.

This might just be part of elven culture, but I don't think that any typical nation would send a king to be a trader to another nation.

I like it. That's all I can say. So far, there doesn't seem to be any real threat, villian, or antagonist, besides the sickness. I'm guessing it has something to do with drow, and you'll incorporate that later. I don't really see where you are going with this, but that's okay. Just don't forget to throw some conflict in there sooner or later, and keep escalating.
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Necroben

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Re: Dec 29 - Queen'sOpal - Part 2
« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2008, 07:44:16 AM »
I agree about wanting to see conflict, or at least some external conflict.

I think I remember you saying your elves aren't the typical elves were all used to seeing.  While I don't really mind either way, I would like to see more about whether they are or aren't.

I love the traditional fantasy feel you have going.  Your painting a great backdrop for you characters and I can see that there are a lot of different things that (are/could be) going on in the background.

So far it's a book that I wouldn't have been able to put down. ;)
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Frog

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Re: Dec 29 - Queen'sOpal - Part 2
« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2008, 08:31:11 PM »
Thanks guys! Now I'm happy. :)

Yes I do admit to have a weakness in plotting and my book tends to be more character driven. Which is one of the reasons I decided to join this group, so you all could tell me where the problems are. So I'll just have to keep submitting my stuff and if there is ever a point where you really start to wonder about me, be sure to let me know.

My elves vs Tolken elves. Hmm... well I am not going to ruin it by giving any specifics, but I'll tell you my general goal and you can tell me if I ever achieve it. I love elves, but the thing that always bugged me about the Tolken variety is that they were so 'perfect' that all they seemed to do is stand there and look poised (yes, I'm talking to you Legalos!), so while my elves have lots of the gifts and features associated with elves, I wanted to humanize them (for lack of a better word) by giving them new weaknesses and some funny character/racial inconsistencies. It all starts out as very subtle (esp in the beginning when they are just interacting with each other) but there are a few big things too that would completely ruin what little plot I have if I told you now, so I won't, but I would be interested in knowing when/if you start to notice a few of these things on your own so I can know if I did my job or not.

I'm also curious to know what kind of things you think are going on in the background... I wouldn't tell you if you're right or not, but it would be interesting to know.

 
First off, this sentence seemed to be phrased a bit awkwardly to me.
Quote
The colors swirled with an inner light that glowed like it had a life of its own.
Also, I'm not sure it needs its own indent- I assume magical things are not all that rare in your world, and Drynn has seen the opal many times now. It just seems to give false suspense.

Curse you Reaves for ruining the only chance for dramatics I have! J/k. I will look at it again. :)
« Last Edit: December 30, 2008, 10:25:42 PM by Frog »
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Hayley

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Re: Dec 29 - Queen'sOpal - Part 2
« Reply #6 on: January 05, 2009, 02:54:11 AM »
Personally, I don't think there needs to be conflict just yet, as has been suggested above... I can't see where it would fit into the storyline already (I'm guessing this is a long piece).

Again, very, very well written, flows nicely which makes it easy to read, and isn't jumpy from one chapter to the next.

Aside from a few spelling errors that I picked up, it's brilliant! :)
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Necroben

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Re: Dec 29 - Queen'sOpal - Part 2
« Reply #7 on: January 05, 2009, 06:51:54 AM »
I'm also curious to know what kind of things you think are going on in the background... I wouldn't tell you if you're right or not, but it would be interesting to know.

Hmm.  The most obvious would be the already stated goblin vs dwarves.  With drow being mentioned and in d&d terms they are very chaotic, they could then begin scheming behind the scene to influence events.  Humans vs elves with some individuals who come forward to help on their own.  Then there is the trade aspect that could add tention to the whole situation.  Alliances switching back and forth as disease sweeps the land.  There might also be other races to be introduced as well.
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Frog

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Re: Dec 29 - Queen'sOpal - Part 2
« Reply #8 on: January 05, 2009, 08:32:19 AM »
Thanks for reading/commenting Hayley (x2), and I'm glad you seem to be enjoying it. Yes, this is a long piece. Last count was 156200 words and 573 pgs  and we're only about 40 pgs into it, so lots and lots of stuff to cover... assuming I can keep my audience that long. :)

Well Ben, at the very least you proved you were paying attention. We'll just have to see how good you were/are at predicting the paper thin plot as we go. :)

Thanks all, and hopefully I'll see some of you in the next bit I'm sending out right now (because hey, it's midnight over here, and I'm still up).
I've already conquered the world. This is exactly the way I want it.