12-29-08 Specre of Death Act I

[Karl]

Go ahead! Rip into it!! You know you want to! In fact I'll challenge you to critique this!

And don't feel unqualified because it is in screenplay format. I'm mostly interest in what you think if the story and dialogue, which should translate easy enough.

Write on, my friends, write on...

[Necroben]

We HEAR the opening strains of ‘Nighttrain

Is this G&R’s nighttrain?  Or is this an original score?

What does (Beat) mean?

05 – Post battle

The dialogue feels stilted.  Sometimes their using slang and other times they are rather articulate.  It seems like your trying to get across the arch-type clumsy teenager, but they seem more like zombies talking to one another.
 
Page 12, line 25:  This might be a better place to show and not tell.  Have it revealed that there is someone “dark” watching her.  She doesn’t seem to want to talk about it anyway, so why would she? 

(On the other hand, I believe you said this would be a personally funded film so that option might not work.  Of course, you could be a whiz at special effects and know how to pull it off.  Anyway, it just doesn’t seem in character for her to say something like that at this point.)

07 - Sword training:

Glaives:  This weapon seems out of place in the list.  All the others could and most often are used with one hand.  Re-enforcing the hand-held as being singular, just being held with one hand.  However, I might just be a little nit-picky on that score.

When you refer to the nephilim, are you meaning giants, or giant-like beings?

By the end of act one the dialogue between the two youths warms up.  They put on more flesh but still have a wooden feel in the way they speak to one another.  But their actions feel more normal now.

While I tend to gravitate away from any religious-(like or related) stories, I’ve found yours intriguing.  Your mix of military and ministry brings a singular picture to mind.

Very entertaining.

[Karl]

Night Train is an R&B standard composed by Jimmy Forest in 1951. You may have heard it on the Back To The Future soundtrack. My current preference is for the arrangement by Alvino Rey which has a heavy, sultry beat and dirty trumpets a la The Stripper. The opening scenes are supposed to have a Noir feel to them.

And all music cited in my scripts would be recordings specifically for my films. Assuming I have a budget.

The use of (Beat) merely means a pause, usually in dialogue.

Part of the production design or "look" of the film is a lack of what I call "sparkles." I don't want obvious displays of mystical powers like what you would see from a spellcaster in WoW. That being said, it creates the opportunity for characters to claim to see things, i.e. pixies, that may or may not actually exist. You will probably never see what the Watchers look like.

I've seen someone use a glaive one-handed. Not by that person's choice. It wasn't pretty.

Nephlim in the Bible refer to either angels that stayed on Earth after the Creation, or their children by humans. They tended to be of larger than human size. They hold a similar position in Judeo-Christian mythology as the titans do in Greek mythology. See Genesis 6 vs. 4. If you don't have a Bible there are plenty online versions available.

[Necroben]

Sorry I worded that wrong.

I was trying to see what you meant when you mentioned Nephlim.

I've read all sorts of interpretations about them and I wanted to know what they were in the script.

Since they would never be seen it wouldn't really matter.  I was just trying to get a feel for it as a whole.

[Reaves]

Okay. Grabs your attention right away, I like that.

In the car ride, Sean asks Claire about the ring she is wearing, and if she is married. But why would she be so surprised at the question if she was wearing it to

keep the hounds off of me.

?

It seems a bit telly when they are explaining about their "seeing" powers.

When Malachi the swordmaster is explaining how to kill the different types of spectres, I didn't really care about Taurus the Bull and etc.

It seemed...I don't know how to say it. Too cliche, when Malachi is like, "hit me."

Good analogy when Sinclair said fighting was like music.

Thummim, in Hebrew would mean something like ‘perfection’, in the latin ‘veritas’ and in the English ‘truth.’ Urim, in Hebrew would mean ‘light’, in the Latin would be ‘doctrina’ and in the English ‘revelation.’ These were stone decorations attached to the breastplate of the Judean High Priest, used as means of communicating directly with Jehovah. The entire breastplate and accompanying pieces are now thought lost.

This seemed a bit inconsistent. He gave the Hebrew definition in english, but the latin in latin.

I do like Malachi's character and speech patterns.

I like how the characters seem to gain more "character" and uniqueness as the story progresses.

So far I like it. I assume that all three acts of the screenplay are about the same length? If so, you might want to consider introducing the antagonist somewhere in here- just to show that not everything is going perfectly for our heroes.

[Karl]

Uh... lessee here...

First, I'm not sure Claire is as much surprised by the question as just amused by it. She basically laughs in Sean's face.

The hounds are unwanted men who hit on her. Nothing more.

Second, Malachi and the Sword Master are two completely different characters. Malachi appears young like Sean. The swordmaster is an older, one eyes, one legged guy. When a charater is intruduced in ALL CAPS (i.e  Entering the frame is the SWORD MASTER. ) that indicates a new character. Not sure if that is a mistake on my part or a misread on yours. Please let me know.

Third, with Thummim and Urim, since the one mention of this doesn't really pertain to the main story, is this something that bothered you enough that I should change it?

(Side note: if you watch the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark when they open the ark, the French dude is wearing the metal breastplate that has the Thummim and Urim on it)

Um... suffice to say I can't really discuss the antagonist until I present the other two acts.

Jumping back slightly to Spectre's End, Manyang  commented that my zombie did a roundhouse kick. Actually it just said "roundhouse" which for me means a large, slow punch as in any Star Trek original series fist fights. Fear not, I'll make sure that is fixed in post-production.

[Reaves]

I completely understood the hounds part, it just seems like a question she would be used to.

With Malachi..  I was probably just reading too fast. whoops.

I don't really care about Thummim and Urim, just seemed inconsistent.

[Frog]

Okay, it’s official. I don’t like reading screen plays. Just too much new stuff going on. I’ll try to keep my comments content related though

Sinclair first line seems a bit too awkward to be cool. How about, “So are we.”?

So wait, the church goers were zombies? All of them? Weird…. And Sean and Claire were agents? Well they didn’t seem to be doing to much in the fight scene, so why exactly were they there?

I’ve always heard it Urim and Thummim, rather the Tummim and Urim, but hey, I’m no scholar….

All the Sean and Claire interactions seem painfully awkward... but if that what's your going for, then good.

Wow, I feel like I am on information overload and it feels a bit rushed, but I really don't know what to tell you since some of these things are meant to be seen. It is very interesting though....