Crystalheart Ch. 3

[Reaves]

Part three, of Crystalheart. You know the drill. Thanks for taking the time!

[Frog]

Okay, I'm done
I liked it, and the only real trouble I was having with it was a bit of the pacing. There's not too much action in the scenes, just a lot of regrouping which is fine and necessary, but I wouldn't stay there too long. Only you can tell us how much of the chp is vital to the story, but here are a few places that I had some trouble with.
First off, the snake image seemed a bit too out of place for me. I mean, I can see what you were doing with it and if it was a scene from a movie, it would probably be fine, but the shift just seemed awkward to me, especially since I really don't care about a snake and a mouse right now. I want to see how Aermyst somehow survived the horrors of last time. Having Aermyst see the snake might be a good setting detail, but as it is right now, I would rather skip it.
Everything else seemed really good until he goes out walking and suddenly its four days later and he is still walking. Time breaks like that should have some kind of break in the writing, and since he isn't doing much more in that scene besides walking and thinking, I would probably suggest just getting to the next scene and catching us up on his new quest as we go (which you already seem to do anyway).
I liked the dialogue with the various sales people (esp. the last one), but some of the telling details of the money system and other small things seemed a bit unnecessary.
That's it from me, so I'll just go back to sitting on the edge of my seat, hoping Aermyst will somehow get his crystalheart back...sad that....

[jjb]

Did you change the name of the heartcrystal to soulstone? In the middle of this chapter I think Aemeryst referred to the heartcrystal as a soul stone once, but then he went back to calling them heartcrystals.

I also thought the snake scene was strange. I guess you wanted to use it to set the setting before Aemeryst woke up and to indicate that he was alive and weak, but the shift didn't work very well. Either take it out or find a way to transition to him better.

I actually liked this chapter better than chapter 2 because of the lack of action. Instead of fighting everyone he saw, Aemeryst's story is actually moving along quite nicely. I think I'm starting to get into his character, but his thoughts still aren't entirely believable. i.e, when he kept grieving over his best friend, I didn't feel his pain at all.

That's it right now. I like your story, but I don't believe the characters entirely yet.

[Necroben]

While I can't say that I entirely disagree, I really didn't have that much of a problem with the scene with the the snake.

“...he tossed the crystal in the air”… Then he takes his shirt off.  Did he catch it?  Did it hang suspended?  Then he puts it on his chest.  What happened with it between tossing it and taking his shirt off?

Other than that, I really liked it.  I like the way the story moved, it just seemed to flow along smoothly.  Your world building shone a backlight to the story that never blinded me away from the character.  Heck, I’m hoping that the stone works for him.  Can’t wait for the next part.

[Reaves]

The snake was really just supposed to build a bit of suspense. Did Aermyst or Dantes make it? Are they alive? Hahaha, not so fast, I'm going to make you become a snake for a paragraph and then I'll tell you, tee hee hee!
And yeah Frog I was thinking of it like a movie, particularly Harry Potter which always seems to start with a snake...

Originally, I was going to go more in-depth over his travel through the desert, ie having him find a desert hare and an oasis, but I thought it read too much like a travelogue. "On the third day, he..."

Also I made a last-minute addition to all the grief, with him screaming at the sky etc. Was it too much? was that why it seemed unbelievable? Or was it something else?  Fortunately I have never had something like that to me, friends' parents have died, once a guy I was close to died, but never anything like this. And it is the sort of thing where if you get it wrong, you are a pretentious idiot but if you get it right it stays with you.

[Flo_the_G]

I think stretching out his walk through the desert would have been appropriate. As it is, it feels as though the city he finally reaches after days of wearying travels was just around the corner all along, and he doesn't realy seem to have been affected by it all, except for his shoddy clothing. Maybe you could push his grieving over Dantes into the desert, just so that the reader spends more time in the actual desert.

I don't recall whether you mentioned this in the earlier chapters: How exactly did Aermyst's team get into the desert? By  donkey, horse, car? Well, obviously not by car. But mentioning their method of travel (and maybe pack animals slaughtered and/or taken by the bad guys) would have helped better establish the setting earlier on.

I didn't mind the scene with the snake a lot, I think the main problem is the abrupt change in viewpoint. If you intend to put more of that sort of thing in, then by all means keep the snake, it's a good scene.

When Aermyst wakes up in the desert, you never mention that he gets up (unless I just missed it, in that case disregard this), but you do say that he sits back down. After that he turns around and walks, without having got up again. You might want to fix that.

There was one other question I asked myself: why is being soulless an advantage, and does it entail anything specific in your setting? I kept waiting for him to look into a mirror that didn't show his reflection or something.

The scenes in the city were great. You managed to convey your setting very well. You could maybe have described the city itself (for instance as seen from a distance) a bit more, but in general the hints at Aermysts plans, the conversations and also the comments on the monetary system served to give me a better feeling for the setting. One thing wasn't entirely clear to me, though. Is "Angel" merely the inofficial name of the currency, or are the coins also remnants of the previous civilisation?

[Frog]

Yeah, that was probably the hardest thing for me with the snake too; that not only did we see it, but we were in its head. Usually, you want to pick one head per scene, even when your in third person.
If you think the desert would add to the story and Aermyst's journey, then there are ways to do it w/o it sounding like a travel log, it just looked so abrupt to me the way that you had it that I would recommend making it its own scene or doing w/o.

[jwdenzel]

Chapter 3 feedback:  (minor edits)

First off, this was the best-written chapter in the book so far.  Even though it didn't have as much action, you moved the story along nicely, and you introduced your characters primary motivation:  the search for revenge and answers. 

The prose here was smoother than chapters 1 and 2, although I still think it would benefit a great deal from a few revisions down the line. 

Onto specifics:

Great opening paragraphs.  I like how you ease us in with the snake.  The desert and snake imagery really paint the scene well.  Consider however adjusting the viewpoint to not be in the snakes head?  It may work as-is, but I think you can achieve the same interesting results if you observe it from a POV outside its head.

Regarding your character's inner thoughts in italics.  I know this is frequently used by writers such as Robert Jordan.  When used properly, it's very smooth, very seamless.  But yo only used this technique once (That I recall) in chapter 1, and only a few times in chapter 2.  I get the impression that you're right on the edge of having to either complete drop it, or use it more frequently for it to work.  (For what its worth... I also struggled with this a lot before deciding to just try without doing it)

I also liked how you walked us through Aermyst's waking stape by step.  You did it slowly and methodically, and it worked pretty well IMO.  Just as I was wondering if maybe Dantes survived, you showed Aermyst thinking the same thing.  It's a good sign when an author can lead the reader along and carefully spoon feed the right info at just the right moments.

Soulstones. Heartcrystals. Crystals. Crystalhearts.  Your list of terms is growing here.  I'd say its near max capacity for these gem-related things.  LOL

Page 3 - how does he know where he is?  Or was he just left where he had been "killed"?  When the chapter opened, I got the impression he had been dumped somewhere in the middle of the desert.

Pg 4.  So one moment he's in the desert, potentially in danger of dying of starvation and heatstroke.  Then in the next he's in a town called Hallastan that has access to a lake way with fish that can be sold on the streets.  Oh, and it rains heavily there, so much that it "pours down his cheeks".    I've heard of a desert oasis, but (correct me if I'm wrong), lakes just don't appear in the middle of, or on the edge of sand deserts.  (Right?)  It's OK if this is the case, but consider explaining it.  Also, I feel like more needs to be said about his desert travel than just "he drank cactus juice".

The entire encounter with Gwenevia was enjoyable.  My only concern is over why he had to wait and why she agreed to see him so fast? Was it just because he's a crystalheart? (Or was)    Why didn't he ask to see her right away? Why wait 2 hours?   

He shrugged and followed her out bare-chested.

This doesn't feel motivated.  I think Aermyst would want to cover his chest and his scar, even if there was no danger of him being recognized. If it was as deep an emotional hit on him that you say, this would be a good place to show that he's still trying to deal with it, perhaps even unconsciously.

Ilis didn't work for me.  IMO she came across as one dimensional, and overly generic.  She reeked of "ideal young woman set in the path of a twenthy-something tough hero." 

Pg 10... With the crystal merchant, it's one thing to bargain.  But to swap insults about his daughters being whores?  That doesn't feel right to me.  Consider either explaining why the merchant wouldn't just stand up and in leave in rage (is it a cultural thing to insult one's daughters? LOL), or consider changing the nature of the banter they have.

[Reaves]

I think what you are generally getting at is that I need to work on my transitions. The snake transistion, the desert-Hallastan transition, and others. Its something I do see as a weakness, but I'm not quite sure how to fix.

The lake Sharnen next to Hallastan is fed by the Dule river which basically bisects the desert in half. (think the Nile in Egypt) I believe it does rain in the deserts occasionally, often at dangerous levels because there is very little to absorb it. But I'll make sure to do some research on desert geography and weather patterns. Also I need to figure out what kind of wildlife exists in the desert; I mention that a couple times in later chapters and I'm basically making it up as I go 

Ilis is very naive at this point in the story. Don't give up on her yet; in chapter 5 she begins to show off a bit more personality, and by chapter ten she starts getting her own conflicts and really being tested and challenged.

Vocab: There isn't a lot, but it all sounds very...similar. That will probably need to change.
Once again thanks for the critique. There's a lot of great stuff here, and I appreciate every word