To respond to the discussion first: The mutant thing I didn’t really have a problem. I just assumed it was Caleb & family’s way of referring to themselves. And I can see how changing into a wolf might make people think you are kind of, well, mutant. I can also see why Jared might think of Trohs as a mutant. That whole gorilla/wolf/shark tooth thing seemed pretty mutant to me.
I didn’t really think you were revealing too much about their abilities. I had the sense that the information you would be stringing us along for would be more setting based: the council you mentioned, the different clans (or whatever), the different kinds of shifters, etcetera.
I seem to be the voice of dissent on that point, though, so here’s a thought: As has been mentioned, it seems like these things could hit him all at once. That can be overwhelming and even frightening and aside from being a good conflict, might help you slow down those reveals some. Of course you have to give us a fairly good idea of what Jared can do, but you don’t need to do it all at once. So, he gets sudden sensory overload, doesn’t know what to make of it, everything’s all a jumble for awhile. Then, you pick out one sense at a time for him to notice. Since you said smell is most important, go for that one. It’d be a great one to pick anyway, since smell tends to be so overlooked both in writing and in real life. Well, unless someone’s forgotten to shower recently.
Yeah, just ignore my attempts at humour. I know they’re sad.
My comments:
Caleb tells Jared not to call attention to himself – which makes sense, except Caleb says this right after saying “hi” to some random on the street, presumably while still in wolf form. Doesn’t that count as calling attention to yourself? The amazing flying jumping dog also seems like it might be a little bit obvious – and again, he says this right after telling Jared not to blow their cover.
Is this the first time Jared’s shifted shape? Because at first, I had the impression that while this wasn’t everyday for him, it also wasn’t brand new, but there are a couple of things that seem to point pretty strongly to this being his first time. (His heightened senses seem to bewilder him, for one, and he also asks Caleb why Caleb is so much bigger than he is.)
I’m a bit unclear on what the characters actually look like in wolf form. At first I thought they were completely canine, but as I continue I’m starting to think I was wrong. I think part of it’s the talking – I can’t imagine talking would be easy with a canine mouth.
Okay. Later you distinguish between werewolves (Trohs) and shifters (Caleb and Jared), which again makes me think that Caleb and Jared have fully fledged wolf forms, but the way you’re describing the action – a kick here, a breakdance move – still seems very human, and more than a little implausible if they’re actual wolves.
Trohs being actually afraid of them getting away (at least in the same way as being afraid for your life, say, and therefore the same smell) seems a bit strange. Actually, I can buy the narrator thinking that, but it does cue the reader to think that Trohs either afraid of something else, or that Caleb and Jared getting away means a lot more than some territorial dispute, which is what this appears to be.
I think that’s about it. I’m really interested in the setting and can already take a few stabs at what the conflict will be in the future. Good work so far.
