Dec 15 - Queen'sOpal - Part 1

[Frog]

I've killed off Drynn and lots of other characters in atomic detonations (w/e they annoy me somehow or I am frustrated by writing in general) I just fix it later when I figure it out and life is good again. And I meant you've told me your favorites before and I could add a few more to my hit list if I wanted to.
Oh, if I pulled a SM, it hardly would matter at this point. After all, It's hard to disappoint fans that you don't have... or leak a book that isn't published.... So, I still have to work quite a bit before you can hate me as much as her. An interesting goal,  but it could be entertaining.
He's staying crazy. Get over it.
I did so kill off Aaron. I killed him so completely that he's not even in the book anymore, so there! I just don't like to do it just for the heck of it, only if it really adds to the plot (like a certain Queen's death that everyone else already knows about).... or puts a certain person in their place. 

[little wilson]

You got rid of his character just as thoroughly as you got rid of Harold....and I liked Harold. He was evil. He was cool. And now he's....gone. Sad that.

And I have gotten over his crazy state. I just want to see how it will pan out with him. And the other evil man that he's with who consistently refers to him as "Nephew"....

And now I'm curious who else I told you I liked. Josie? Vernack? Cindle?....Sorren?

My goal isn't to hate you as much as SM. I don't normally hate people, so....this is weird, having such an intense dislike for this lady. My hope is that even if your book IS leaked somehow (although you make a good point that it wouldn't matter, but let's hypothesize and say that you're published and someone leaks QH) you'll still finish it for the sake of you fans and not throw a tantrum saying how you're just not 'emotionally capable' of writing it. Stupid woman. Hate her. Hate her with a passion. 

[Frog]

Quit jacking my thread! This is where people are supposed to be ripping my book apart, not where you ruin it for everyone by raising expectations and naming off characters that haven't been introduced yet and talking extensively about an author that I've already been traumatized by once in this whole writing process, as you well know (someone in another group compared my dragonets to her werewolves). I am going to have so much fun when you start posting your stuff again....

[little wilson]

Well....that may very well be soon then. Assuming we can ever decide how submissions are going to work, anyway....I was planning on submitting on the next submission date (which I thought would be this coming Monday, or something....but now I don't think so....).

You know what chapter is up next for mine, don't you? Chapter 2....The one that ends sweetly. At least, I think it does.

And sorry for naming characters....I just didn't know who else I had said. I was curious....And now my curiosity has been satiated, because I know the one big character that I forgot. And I'm sad that I forgot her....She rocks!

And let me again reiterate what I said when the traumatizing experience first took place. This is nothing like Twilight. Twilight is garbage. This is actually good. Your characters grow and develop, whereas hers are static and flat and frustratingly stupid...among other thing. Your book has a plot. Hers does not. Your book is interesting to think about weeks after reading it. Her book is also interesting to think about weeks after reading it....As long as those thoughts involve fire.....Yours doesn't need that addition, though....And I could continue naming differences, but....I don't really feel like it....

Oh, and since you mentioned it. Sorry for the thread-jacking. Wasn't really trying to....just sort of happened 

[Frog]

Wow, I was totally kidding...through all of it. You can jack my thread anytime you want...and  thanks for the ego stroke. You're good about that, even though I understand that you have to be a little biased. And I was very surprised to see that you missed that one character which actually shall remain nameless.
Yes, your next chp is very interesting and I can't wait to see what you've done with it.

[little wilson]

What I've done with it?...That would be nothing since you last saw it....That chapter won't get a whole lot done to it. It's Chapter 3 that will....At least the end. You told me some good things last time....

And I could tell that you were joking, but I figured an apology couldn't hurt....And yes, I'm surprised that I missed her too. I don't know how I managed that, but it's probably because I was focused more on Opal, and she's more in Heir....kind of. Right?....Maybe I'm wrong....I'm probably wrong. It's been too long since I last read Opal, and I never did finish Heir.....

Why do I have to biased? Because you were my roommate?..Ah, but you're not anymore. And the title 'roommate' really doesn't mean a whole lot, as I found out this last semester with my bad case of hunger right there towards the end...Stupid roommates....But we won't get into that here....

[Silk]

I dunno, Frog, you'd better do something about this Wilson character. She's leaking your secrets all over the place!

I mean, without her, we never would have guessed that Vernack was coming back. Jeez.

[little wilson]

Of course you wouldn't have guessed. I mean, when he returns, I'm sure you would've said, "Well hey! Look at this! It's a dragonet with the same name! I wonder if they're related?!"....Or maybe you just would've said "Vernack.....That sounds familiar....Why does it sound familiar?" and then you would've shrugged and continued reading.

Right?

[Silk]

Well yeah, if you hadn't said that I just woulda assumed that we were talking about Vernack the Forty-Third.  What's more, until that happened, I never, ever would have wondered about what happened to the talking dragonet from the prologue ever again.

[little wilson]

Totally. Because characters in Prologues are completely worthless.....

[Frog]

First off Wilson, that character is in Opal plenty. And I should hope you haven't finished Heir because with all my revisions, I haven't come close to finishing Heir and it would be a shame if my book was so predictable it started writing itself...
Poor Vernack. I hope he doesn't hear all your sarcastic comments. Even if he can't really talk, he does have a bit of a temper among other things... (i.e. smacking certain people with his tail...). Though I must say that thought of 43 Vernacks would terrify certain people....
And yes, I am seriously considering investing in a gag. Or handcuffs...they would probably be more effective in this case.

[little wilson]

Handcuffs?....Hmm. I doubt it. I could probably still find some way to type. Remember, my laptop works again (yay for the power adapter coming early), and therefore my computer is mobile. I'm sure I could get it to my hands, where ever they may be cuffed....

Though I must say that thought of 43 Vernacks would terrify certain people....

Would one of those people be a certain blonde-haired chap?...I'm thinking 'yes'.....there's a slim chance that I'm wrong, but I really don't think I am.

Oh flip! Yes, of course she's in Opal....Dang it....Now I remember.....*cue lyrics, It's all coming back to me now*.....Argh. I'm really kind of upset that I forgot about her...Curse me.

[Manyang]

Well let me state first off that I am familiar with the forgotten realms setting so most of the assumed knowledge will be in place.
Since I’m running hopelessly behind on all the reviews I’ll be keeping them a bit shorter, so sorry for less shredding to come.

I did like the prologue, the conflict was strong and clear and the dragonet seems interesting.

I’m not too keen on your solution for the timejump. I’d suggest skipping the omniscient paragraph of the prologue and have Drynn mention the legends of the horrible Garrad when he mentions the drow war. There being legends should imply a lot of time having passed.

Chapter one seemed too flat to me. None of the characters got fleshed out enough to make me care about them. I’m sure that will come in later chapters but for now it didn’t really get me involved.
Drynn could use some positive characterization. So far you’ve shown us he is not a fighter, and he’s not the focal point of the giggling herd, nor id he very emotional about his mother’s death, so who or what is he? Perhaps instead of showing him being bullied around by people who are doing what they want to be doing, you could show him doing what he likes, give us a trait or skill to define him and gauge him before you show the people around him get the better of him.

Also, shouldn’t there be a corpse and rituals if the queen is dead? Wouldn’t the servants that moved her have cried out and told others about her passing if she was so loved? So far her death seems to have about as much impact as a stuffed toy that was tossed away. (Next chapters I’m sure, but I actually need to see some impact on the world right then and there.) Few things will make the world stop quite like the death of a close relative.

That’s about it for me, I do agree with the points made above and quite like the world and the setting you’ve got going.

[Frog]

Good questions. Questions that should be answered over time, but they bother me a little, so I will answer them now. Despite what Garrad said about 'rotting corpses' (because he is a ignorant human that uses his own expressions whether or not they apply) elves do not leave corpses. The death of the three elves where "nothing was left but dust blown from empty cloth" was not just a freak occurrence. It happens every time an elf is killed rather than going to Falberain . And there is another spot in the first chapter after Drynn first learns about the death were he thinks about the journey to Falberain vs elven bodies disintegrating (very Jedi, I know but there is a reason for it). Elven royalty is very laid back (house is just as small as anyone elses, Tayvin and Drynn have friends in the holt they interact with as if they were on equal footing) so there are no servants to speak of.
So, until the boys come in, no one knew that the queen had died except for the king who was there when it happened (and we all saw his reaction...).
I'll admit all of these points are a little obscure at this point and they will come out several more times, but I just felt a need to settle it now for whatever reason...  (I hate breaking up my book, but what can you do?)
As for everything else, you mentioned some of the things I thought of when I tried to think of ways to 'show' Drynn better, so I'm glad that you are here to tell me I am on the right track (no sarcasm).
Thank you so much! You guys are great!

[Hayley]

Wow....

First off, can I apologise for not having a lot of negative critism... if any.

Very, very well written!

Felt really sad for Drynn when his father seemed completely detached from his mother's death. It was like... yes, your mother's died, here's the opal.. good luck. That's what it seemed like... really felt for him.

The only thing I would say is that we don't seem to get to know the characters very well. Like, what it is they do, where they are... but it is getting late, and may have mssed that.

Thought the older brother/younger brother/older brother's best friend scene was brilliant, just after the fencing match. The older brother being adored, the best friend suddenly ignored, and the younger brother just sort of.... there... wishing he was taller.

But very, very well done!! A brilliant read!