12-15-08 Aspirations

[Necroben]

Since it was decided that we could submit more if we are ready, well here goes round 2.  Red Ring!

[Reaves]

Yay, round two! Aspirations continue!

lol alright, I won't mince words. Right off the bat I ran into something that looks like half-fragment, half-run-on. It just doesn't make sense.

.  It was simple, I couldn’t mess it up, not these few pieces, which I assumed went over my existing clothes, I hoped.

Actually now that I read on the entire first paragraph seems rather similar in structure and style. Maybe you should change the way you start your sentences to make them sound more complete? Maybe its just you're too in love with commas.

I love the description of the girl he first meets. Especially this sentence, it works really well.

It seemed everything around her went out of its way to make it easier for her smile.

Write like that more!!

As I read on I like this part more and more. The way you describe her and their interactions is clean and neat but also beautiful.

When she says she's a vampire I think there could be a little more disbelief on his part. Maybe trying to yank her vamp teeth off? It would be funny.

I think the way you describe the Stranger's accent as "Bad" takes away some of the mysteriousness and makes him seem pretentious. Just a thought.

In the cab, I don't think the sounds of crashing glass would deafen you. If you were holding the gun next to your ear or if you were in an enclosed space sure, but not from glass. Maybe say he couldn't hear over the glass?

Also, I've never heard anyone say "devils of dust." Dustdevils, absolutely.

Devils of dust spun erratically, dancing among crags of grey stone; washing grime in waves upon the bare bones of this world.

I don't quite understand how he knows instinctively its hell. Especially how he knows its the Second Circle. Great description of Hell, though, and great demon thingy!!

Wow, so I really love the second installment. There is certainly a lot happening here. It seems like your writing quality goes waaaay up when you are writing about something you are interested in: beautiful women, demons, vampires, hell....beautiful women...
I really like the story so far, it is looking great!!

[wcarter4]

Your pacing is quite refreshing just like last time. Some of the chapter breaks may need to be tweaked slightly, but not by much.
The main problem is comma splicing. You put commas where they aren't necessary try using semicolons or varying the length of your sentences some.
I agree that you might want to explain how the Jason knows the various circles of hell. Maybe a brief mention of Dante's Inferno?

[Necroben]

I agree that you might want to explain how the Jason knows the various circles of hell. Maybe a brief mention of Dante's Inferno?

That was the reference I  was alluding too.  I think I took it for granted as being a well known story.  Thanks y'all!

[Silk]

To respond to the discussion: I suppose he could be a bit more disbelieving, but I didn’t really mind the fact that he wasn’t. After all, he’s just run into some weird guy, who gave hm some weird ring, then ended up at this place where suddely he’s supposed to be with/dating/married to someone, none of which he knows anything about… At some point, “I’m a vampire” is kinda just par for the course.

And yeah, not everyone’s read Dante’s Inferno, or will make that connection before they do anything else. It also seems kinda weird that the narrator would immediately leap to that conclusion. On the other hand… Literary references are just so cool!

My comments:

It could just be me, but the tone of this submission seems somehow different from the previous one. I have no idea why that is. It could just be that I’m reading it two weeks later and the character is sober and at a party (a happy association) instead of crawling bars and generally being miserable. That’s one of the flaws of a staggered workshop submission like this…

Jason has just come into the ballroom expecting to meet his lady, whoever that is. He’s so wrapped up in his wife’s death, though, I wonder why shock that it is her/disappointment that it is not here isn’t the very first thing that we see when he sees her. Or even hears her  calling him.

The writing seems much stronger here, though, and some of these lines are making me laugh out loud. “You’re elegant, you’re beautiful, you are grace personified.” “What?” “You look great!”

You’re using this “say something – say what? – short paraphrase!” device fairly often so far though. It’s not annoying yet, but could get that way in a hurry.

Okay, several paragraphs later, I still have no idea whether the narrator knows this woman, or what he thinks so far, and I’m really starting to wonder at the absence. The way he still refers to her as “Lady” at the start of Chapter 9 makes me think he doesn’t know her, but that’s all conjecture. That he didn’t think of it’s dead wife/not dead wife right away seemed strange. That he still hasn’t thought of it is really stretching plausibility.

Pick a tense, any tense; but stick to one. You’re weaving in and out of both past and present here. They both seem to work equally well…

Okay. After the “I’m a vampire” discussion we finally know for sure that this isn’t the narrator’s old wife. I still would have liked to see it much sooner.

Halfway down page five, the narrator says, “I didn’t notice her look soften”. Then why mention it? This is a first person narration. If he didn’t see it your narrator shouldn’t even know to mention.

I’m not sure why there’s a chapter break at chapter 10. Since it’s a straight continuation of the dialogue, it seems like it should just go straight through. I suppose you can do this sort of thing for emphasis, but since your chapters are so short I kind of wonder if the emphasis is lost a bit. It’s also made me lose track of the dialogue – I’m not sure who’s speaking at the start of the dialogue in chapter 10 just one sentence later. (Actually, I’m wondering about a few of them. A couple feel kind of unnecessary to me.)

You have some really interesting dynamics set up. Miranda has to love him but obviously hates him, at least in some ways, and I think that’s a really fascinating thing, as is the narrator’s conflict of I-love-my-wife-but-I-might-love-her-but-I-love-my-wife etcetera. I’d really like to see more of both these things. I know it’s early yet (as of chapter 10 and 11 where they’re basically just introduced) but I would also like to see more show of these things as opposed to tell. It’s not that I have a problem with the amount of “tell” that’s been going on – I don’t think it’s too much, and has so far been effective – but “show” is so much more powerful.

The “meet the inlaws” section I could accept as present tense even if the rest of the story ends up being told in past, because it’s seperated from the rest of the story and makes sense instead of just looking inconsistent. It’s also quite funny.

After reading the whole thing, I’m actually kind of torn about the meet the in-laws section. I like it, it’s funny and gets a whole lot out of the way pretty quickly. On the other hand, this would be a good place to show us more of the dynamics between Jason and Miranda, not to mention the rest of the family. Then again, that stuff about Jason and Miranda (I hope!) is coming, and if the rest of the family doesn’t play into the rest of the story much, it might be silly to spend so much time on them. I thought it would be worth mentioning though.

After the cab crash: I’m starting to wonder about your vampires (not for the first time) and how they, well, work, for lack of a better way to put it. In most of the stuff I’ve read (not that I read much vampire lit at all) vampires are dead; but this one breathes, blushes, and has a pulse.

I like the description of the brain feeling swollen and wanting to push its way out of the eyeballs. Nice. The wasteland outside the mystery building is also very well described. I’m kind of having a hard time picturing the mystery building itself, though. And I love your final line.

There! Did I manage to give you enough reading material this time? ~^

[Necroben]

My comments:

1:  You’re using this “say something – say what? – short paraphrase!” device fairly often so far though. It’s not annoying yet, but could get that way in a hurry.

2:  Okay, several paragraphs later, I still have no idea whether the narrator knows this woman, or what he thinks so far, and I’m really starting to wonder at the absence. The way he still refers to her as “Lady” at the start of Chapter 9 makes me think he doesn’t know her, but that’s all conjecture. That he didn’t think of it’s dead wife/not dead wife right away seemed strange. That he still hasn’t thought of it is really stretching plausibility.

3:  Pick a tense, any tense; but stick to one. You’re weaving in and out of both past and present here. They both seem to work equally well…

4:  Halfway down page five, the narrator says, “I didn’t notice her look soften”. Then why mention it? This is a first person narration. If he didn’t see it your narrator shouldn’t even know to mention.

5:  After reading the whole thing, I’m actually kind of torn about the meet the in-laws section. I like it, it’s funny and gets a whole lot out of the way pretty quickly. On the other hand, this would be a good place to show us more of the dynamics between Jason and Miranda, not to mention the rest of the family. Then again, that stuff about Jason and Miranda (I hope!) is coming, and if the rest of the family doesn’t play into the rest of the story much, it might be silly to spend so much time on them. I thought it would be worth mentioning though.

6:  After the cab crash: I’m starting to wonder about your vampires (not for the first time) and how they, well, work, for lack of a better way to put it. In most of the stuff I’ve read (not that I read much vampire lit at all) vampires are dead; but this one breathes, blushes, and has a pulse.

7:  There! Did I manage to give you enough reading material this time? ~^

1:  I don't think I understand, or maybe I'm just misunderstanding your reference.  Could you be more specific?

2:  He refers to her as Lady because that was the way I had her introduced in my first submission.  One of the dangers you mentioned in stagered submissions.

3:  You are quite correct, thank you!  It was something that I totally missed.

4:  I had wanted to foreshadow future meetings between these two characters.  With the way First person works its hard to hide a lot of things.  "Will he survive?"  that kind of question is kinda already answered.  So with that in mind, that they would meet and talk about this argument they were having in the future, would that type of allusion work?

5:  I haven't been able to write that scene the way I want, so I've left most of it out.  I'm trying to accomplish both actually.

6:  I've been trying to allude to the fact that they are not the traditional vampires.  I will explain more about them later, but as they are not (right now) important to the story I really just want too foreshadow a bit.

7:  and... yes you did!  Thank you, very much.

[Silk]

1. I quoted this line before: “You’re elegant, you’re beautiful, you are grace personified.” “What?” “You look great!” You used that construction about three times right in a row - the narrator said something, the woman said "what?" and the narrator responded with a much shorter version of what he'd said the first time.  That's what I mean. Page 2-3 is where it occurs.

2. Yeah, I actually do remember that bit. My point is just that I didn't know concretely whether or not this was the narrator's dead wife (as the wish bit before seems to lead us to expect) and it seems strange to me that the narrator wouldn't think of that, since he's so wrapped up with her death still.

3. That's what writing groups are for.

4. I think it's just in this particular case, it seems weird that you would say something that the narrator obviously wouldn't actually know, since he said he wasn't looking at her. I don't think you need foreshadowing, actually; I expect Miranda and Jason to meet again without any additional hints. That's just me.

5. Durr. That would be the NaNo notes that you mentioned and that I obviously promptly forgot about. I just took at as part of the story. So, now you know you can get away with it, if you want.

6. That's fine, but by this point your reader is going to start wondering about that. It would be a good idea, I think, to start throwing out some additional information soon. You don't have to tell us all, or even most. Even the tiniest scraps can keep a reader going.

7. There, see, I told you I'd do better this time!

[Necroben]

Thank you for the clarification SilknSnow.

In the cab, I don't think the sounds of crashing glass would deafen you. If you were holding the gun next to your ear or if you were in an enclosed space sure, but not from glass. Maybe say he couldn't hear over the glass?

I don't want to seem like I'm being defencive, and I hope I'm not.  But, anyone in front of the muzzle blast of a gun is going to hear it louder than someone who is beside or behind the gun.  Without going into too much detail, yes I have been in front.

[Manyang]

I’m actually really torn about this part. I loved some of it, but hated other parts.
The ones I liked were the initial meeting with Miranda and the meeting of the in-laws.

You’ve managed to give her a feminine charm that really shines, and the dynamic between them is great to read. The in-laws part is something in which I quite like the dynamics of all the cliché roles being projected on a family of vampires giving it a nice menacing undercurrent.

The first few sentences are too fragmented. Too many commas and side-sentences which make some sentences rather hard to follow. (In the looking at the mirror line the “I had to admit” part can be scratched without any adaptation for instance)

The point where he panicked seemed too distant for me at first. After puzzling on it for a few moments I got to the timing part which was great. If you scratch the “I have to admit” part I think it would flow better and the jarring would be prevented.

Wouldn’t it be more natural for him to assume he’s meeting his wife there? Or at least have a vague hope he will? As a reader that’s what I’m expecting since that’s the person he wished for. Would his wife lay out a cowboy outfit for him?
What’s his reaction to not meeting his wife there? Sure she’s dazzling, but she’s not his wife.
He’s there to meet his wife, not his lady, or at least I as a reader am there to meet his wife.

In chapter nine it then all fell apart for me.
The conversation seems off to me; if she loves him wouldn’t she have a bit more patience with his situation? In her reactions she responds as though they are forced together however if love is ingrained in her she will delight in it, not resent him for it, or perhaps some of both in a confused mix. I miss the emotional connection that she displayed when she greeted him.

In chapter ten he looses all sight that he is the fulfilment of Miranda’s wish. She wished for a mate and got him. Thereby you also negate your rape analogy in the next chapter. They are both in a situation they wished to be in, if not exactly as they imagined it. Beside, even under the threat of death it is perfectly possible to have consensual sex at some point in the next two weeks. There are consensual one-night-stands, two weeks seems enough time to at least contemplate it becoming consensual.
I would really like to see the rape analogy gone. I think it’s off and found it very annoying because of it.

Again, if she loves him, as ingrained, and he is the fulfilment of her wish for a mate how can she accuse him of a decision between raping her and murdering her? If that is her sentiment towards him, why does she take him home to her parents?
To me it seems as though you completely forgot to take her situation and emotional position into consideration in this scene.

As I said I like the in-laws scene, however, at this point its purpose is as yet unclear to me; I assume you’re introducing them here because they’ll play a part later on. However for this part of the story there is no real reason why they couldn’t be assailed on their way there so unless you need them later you could completely scratch that scene because it doesn’t have a direct impact in this part of the story.

The stranger wanting his soul, then tossing him in hell to prevent them from actually consummating their marriage, he’s the devil. I now have a very strong suspicion about how the rest of the book will go and actually feel a bit disappointed because of it.

The final remark about the demon made him appear rather harmless. You haven’t established Jason as someone obsessed with gender issues so if that is the most remarkable thing an average person would notice about the hellspawn in front of it there must be a serious lack of things to worry about such as claws and fangs or other such things.
 

[Necroben]

1.  The stranger wanting his soul, then tossing him in hell to prevent them from actually consummating their marriage, he’s the devil. I now have a very strong suspicion about how the rest of the book will go and actually feel a bit disappointed because of it.

1.  I really hope not!   


After re-reading some of Y'all's comments I think I messed up.  Jason isn't supposed to think that he even made a wish.  So he really wouldn't be thinking about meeting anyone.  Miranda should come as a surprise.  If this is not the case then I have an Epic Fail.  And so I am sorry about the confusion.


Re-Edit:  I hope you'll be surprised then.  I want it to be the:  "I didn't see that coming."     Mixed with: "But that does make sense" 

I keep reading and re-reading and I get the feeling that I'm missing something, but I can't find it.  Probably because it is just a "feeling".  Oh well, back to the drawing board.

[Manyang]

I really hope I'm wrong as well since I really liked what you were doing with this. I guess I'll RAFO

"I was wrong.  Always be careful what you wish for, you just might get it."

The first line of the first chapter is a bit of a giveaway on the wishing thing.

[Hayley]

This is another one I really like. A lot seems to happen so it doesn't give the reader much opportunity to get bored with what's happening at that precise moment.

Miranda certainly seems like an interesting character! Looking forward to reading the next bit (sat in the December 29 folder at the moment...)

Loved the varying opinions of the in-laws.

I also agree with the comments above that some lines were "LOL"-worthy. Like literally. And the realism of the in-party conversation was brilliant.

Looking forward to the next part

[jwdenzel]

Man, this got weird, but I really like it. 

Comments

In the first thread, there was a comment about chapter lengths.  Personally, I think the length you've picked is fine.  Refreshing, even.

The pacing of the writing is a bit fast, but that's OK, because again, I think that's part of your style, and part of the story's tone. What you might want to consider altering though, is how quickly you "jump cut".  Here's an example.  Notice how many "unseen" cuts (to use a film term) are implied in your very first paragraph here:

I stood at the foot of the bed staring at my costume and groaned.  It was simple, I couldn’t mess it up, not these few pieces, which I assumed went over my existing clothes, I hoped.  The cowboy hat, chaps, fake pistol, and belt—with a holster—were all it comprised.  Another sigh, this was getting to be a bad habit.  Well, I had to play this as given to find out what the hell was going on.  Looking into the bathroom mirror, I had to admit, wasn’t as embarrassing as I thought it might be.  The blue jeans I had on lent itself well to the costume and my t-shirt wasn’t too out of place, so I was fairly confident in my appearance.

Foot of bed, cut, [implied dressing], in front of mirror. 

Perhaps a paragraph break would help here?  It keeps your swift pace, but gives the reader some breathing room. 

One thing I will say... you have definitely taken the "In late / Out early" advice from the Writing Excuses people to heart!   You should be a film editor. ;-)

But a glimmer of hope arrived when I heard my name. “Jason!” 

O_O

Chapter 9... some exposition.  Finally.  Good stuff.  Although we still need more periods rather than commas and conjunctions. ;-)

It's an awkward chapter break between chapters 9 and 10.  If you really want to break it around there, I suggest making the chapter break right after the Vampire Wife says

“... Anyway, my wish was not for a marriage.  I wanted a Mate.  You wished for a Loving Wife.  Well you got one, me, lucky you.”

You seemed happy to see me when we first met, but as soon as the door closed you’ve, well, been mad at me. 

I didn't pick up on that at all.  Maybe Jason is just exaggerating, but the Vampire Wife (uh...Miranda) actually seemed nice all along. I never got that she was mad in any way.

“Jason, be welcome in my home.  I’ve waited for Miranda to bring a boy home for ages, and now she brings you all of a sudden, with no warning in fact.”

"Gee, thanks mom!"   Unless you have other motivations here, this greeting felt a little unrealistic. If she was a mom who was hoping her daughter would actually bring a guy home, it seems to me that she would be on her best (forced) behavior.  Maybe even trying TOO hard.  But she comes across as smooth and almost used to this sort of thing.  Which conflicts with her words.

Though to be honest I haven’t climbed anything since I was a boy, but how hard could it be?
Very hard, while there were handholds galore the footing was tricky.  When I got a few feet into the air, with nothing supporting me but my fingers and with slight help from my feet, I got tired rather more quickly that I thought I should have.  I mean, I couldn’t be that out of shape, could I?  As it turned out, I was that out of shape.

You repeated the same "gag" her twice.  "How hard could it be? Hard. / How out of shape am I? Very."   Just consider re-wording it some.

J

[jwdenzel]

Regarding some comments others have made above:

- I agree that Jason's worry about raping her seems weak.  Technicalities of consensual sex aside, it's perfectly fine for Jason to have that irrational worry.  My opinion is that it's just a weak internal conflict.   If that's his biggest worry at the moment, then I think he'd get over it. This leads me to the next point

- Consider playing up his hope that the "Lady" will turn out to be his wife.   Somebody else suggested this, and I agree.  I also thought he was expecting to see her.  When it turns out that its not her, then you can insert a good internal conflict:  Maybe Jason still feels loyal to his wife? Maybe HE doesn't want to have sex with Miranda. At least, not to consummate anything. 

- I'm a little confused by the Stranger's true motivations. Maybe that's intentional. I'll reserve judgement until I've read more.

- I agree that the genderless demon at the end is made less scary by being 3 foot tall and nipple-less.    But your description of the place Jason thinks is hell is really well written. 

J

[Necroben]

"Gee, thanks mom!"   Unless you have other motivations here, this greeting felt a little unrealistic. If she was a mom who was hoping her daughter would actually bring a guy home, it seems to me that she would be on her best (forced) behavior.  Maybe even trying TOO hard.  But she comes across as smooth and almost used to this sort of thing.  Which conflicts with her words.

Believe it or not, this was actually said to me when I first met a girl's mother.  She might have been a little crazy, but I think she did it on purpose.  Probably to keep us on our toes, and out of mischief.